Airlines = Monumental Fail

(Ed. note - The following was written on Tuesday as I sat in Gate C4 at La Guardia Airport in New York)
There are a number of reasons why I love the airport. And by love, I mean hate with such a fervor that if air travel ceases to exist in the coming years, and recent financial projections seem to think that fate is not entirely impossible, I will express no sadness. No remorse. No longing for the pleather seating in the gates, no yearning for the overpriced and wholly inedible food and certainly no yen for the static feedback that is resonating in my eardrums at this very moment, slowly driving me to the brink of madness. Suffice to say, the airport is one of my least favorite places on the earth.

Hold on, I'm fascinated by a crumb delicately balanced on the Quebecois gentleman's belly directly opposite of me. He is working on a Sodoku and cannot be bothered with even the slightest bit of personal hygiene. Please, by all means, let that crumb establish permanent residence on your bulging stomach. If it spawns an offspring, it will be an American citizen and can live in this great land without fear of prosecution for being a mother fucking crumb. Here's a seat at the front of the class, Crumb-fuck. Stretch my tax dollars a little thinner you greedy bread particle.

But, I digress. Trying to block out the inane small talk that currently inundates my personal space- think gamma radiation and Bruce Banner - is futile task at the airport, so apologies in advance if this post lacks direction or coherent thought. The is a general jeremiad pointed at the aviation business in general. The airing of grievances will begin...now:

*To the bald man making small talk with the Australians: Shut the fuck up. You will never see these people again after today, please stop trying to forge a lifelong friendship. Stop explaining baseball. Stop talking about Nascar. They don't care how "swinging" Memphis is. Memphis blows. Everybody knows that. That's why the motto of the town is "Memphis - We know we suck, but at least we aren't Knoxville." (ed. note- Might not actually be town credo).

*The People Magazine crossword puzzle does not require discussion between two people. You should be embarrassed enough just doing it, no need to bring others down with you. Please crawl into a soundproof hole when attempting to figure an 8-letter word for "Full House Dad."

*There's an invention called air conditioning, perhaps you've heard of it? It is my understanding that it sucks in air, cools it, then expels it in a forceful manner making the surrounding area much more comfortable. It's one of the things that separates us from animals. We don't need to be slaves to Mother Nature's fickle temperament. When it's 75 degrees and as humid as a Vietnamese steam room in the dead of monsoon season, its acceptable to engage the device. I realize that you're trying to cut corners, American Airlines, but seriously, I prefer a perspiration free experience as I wait for my delayed flight.

*When urinating, I'd rather not have my piss splash back onto my pant legs. I'm not sure if this is my fault or not, but clearly the urinal has some issues. I've been pissing by myself for more than a score, often times in a similar piss receptacle. There has been nary a time where I have zipped up and looked down to see two giant blotches of piss splatter on my inner thighs. What the FUCK is going on here!?!? I love having to splash soapy water all over my pants then spend 10 minutes standing under the hot air/hand washing jet drying myself off. If the person who invented the airport urinals was standing in front of my right now, I'd give them a backhand chop to the jugular, then piss down his throat as he lay prone on the ground, simultaneously gasping for air and lapping up my piss. That would be fair retribution.

Imagine if you went to a movie and it started an hour and a half late. You would lose your shit and demand your money back or at least a free pass to another showing. What about if you needed surgery and the doctor nonchalantly decided that the operation was going to start 90 minutes past its scheduled time. That would be a lawsuit. Plain and simply. Airlines routinely get away with that nonsense on a hourly basis. God it drives me insane.

The airing of grievances has now concluded. I will now board the aircraft and pray to God that it doesn't explode upon takeoff, landing or anywhere in between.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Congrats John. You just lost your team the Champions League final. What are you going to do next? And "Go to Disney World" is not the right answer.

Postcards From A College Freshman...II

Dear Mom and Dad,
Well, it's been quite a year. As you can see, I've grown a lot over the past two semesters. I went away to the big city a naive high school senior and now, after hopefully passing my final exams, I will return home an erudite scholar of the liberal arts. Please spare me the lecture on not having a major yet; I'll take care of that in the fall.

There were some major highlights that I haven't had the chance to tell you about and I will fill you in with all the deets when I get back. But above all, I wanted to thank you for sending that check last month. That really bailed me out of a jam. That money was spent on a worthy cause: my food money. Do not listen to Jackson if he tells you I spent it on a fake ID because that is just not true.

I know what I want for my birthday. Rock Band. I was at a freshman mixer at DKE (the frat I really want to join when I get back in the fall) and they busted out the game and we jammed for like 2 hours. It was sick. Those guys are awesome. I just hope they think I'm DKE material when handing out pledges next year.

One last note and try not to freak out about this...but I broke my phone, again. I'm so clumsy with that stupid thing. You are not going to believe this but I was walking down the street, checking my messages and it just slipped right out of my hands and into a storm drain.

It was covered in muck when I was finally able to unearth it (which is a story in its own right) and the buttons were all sticky. So when I get back, Dad and I are going to have to drive down to the AT&T store to get another one. I'm pretty sure that we have insurance on it, but you guys handle the bill so obviously would know better that I would.

Crap, look at the time. I've got to run. Make sure to pick me up next Wednesday at 2pm. I know I wrote Thursday in my last letter, but I'm going to be able to leave right after my final that day. See you then.

Cheers,
Gregg

According to Mets, Cheering Not Allowed in Baseball

From MLB.com (hat tip to River Ave. Blues for the pickup):

A day after Mets right-hander Nelson Figueroa accused the Nationals of "cheering like softball girls," Washington manager Manny Acta was unfazed by Figueroa's comments...

"Everybody is entitled to their opinion," Acta said. "We live in a world nowadays where everything you do or say, you are offending someone. I don't have any reaction to [the comments]. They were not yelling names or anything like that. They were cheering their own guys. You don't see it in the big leagues, but I don't think they were doing anything mean. [Figueroa] is entitled to his opinion. This is America."

Seems pretty reasonable to me. Apparently not so to Figueroa, who like every Joba hater, would have emotion completely stricken from the game of baseball.

To wit:

"I'm a professional," Figueroa said after the game on Monday. "I take offense to that. They should show a little more class and act a little more professional. That's why they are who they are."

I guess that's what happens when you're banished to the minor leagues: you turn into a heartless, bitter robot incapable of fun.

Closing Time, Don't Look Back in Anger and Whatever Other Catchy 90's Tune Fits a Season Recap

Editor's note: The following is an in-depth analysis of a soccer franchise. For those not interested in the sport, you may want to hit the back button on your browser. Or you might want to click this link. For those who are interested in expanding personal horizons or just want to read me bitch about my favorite soccer team, please continue.

I've spent an inordinate time watching the Liverpool Football Club this past season. Add to that the amount of time spent reading about the club on various websites, blogs, the inside of toilet stalls and crumpled pieces of tissue paper found in a garbage can outside of the Port Authority and I would venture to guess that I invested more time in this particular team than any other of my other favorites in recent memory. Sorry Yankees. Sorry Broncos. Sorry UConn men's basketball team. If I've offended any of you, I sincerely apologize.

4th place. It probably wasn't want the Reds were hoping for, but it probably is what they deserved. At certain points throughout the campaign they looked unbeatable, but as has been their problem over the past couple of seasons, they couldn't knock off the other elite teams when they had a chance. Couple that with a few too many head scratching draws (0-0 at home to relegated Birmingham, 1-1 at home to Wigan) and voila: a 76 point season. An eight point improvement over last season but somehow not living up to its full potential. So it's another season without title number 19 and a missed opportunity to take on Manchester United in the Champions League final. I'm still not ready to discuss their exit against Chelsea, so let's move on to something more constructive: criticizing players who will never read this.

Keepers - Pretty simple math here: Pepe Reina played every game (38) and only conceded 28 goals. That's pretty good. Outside of one or two brain diarrheas, it was another extremely consistent year for the baldest twenty-five year old keeper in the game. It's true that he isn't great at dealing with aerial threats and occasionally is beaten by poor positioning, but he makes up for it with his quick reflexes and his incredibly shiny dome. Clearly one of the top 3 keepers in the league at this point and should only get better. Poor Scott Carson will never get a game for the Reds and will have to go back to his previous job:



Defense - Strong in the middle and poor on the flanks. Carra was once again a rock at center half and a partnership with a fully healed Daniel Agger or his teammate for the second half of this season, Squirt Squirt Skrtel, should prove to be as impenetrable as Mother Teresa's poon. Sami Hyypia is serviceable against weaker opponents, but put anyone with speed against him and you can't help but notice that he is slower than molasses at temperatures nearing absolute zero.

So, the center of the back four is solid. Now the team just needs to bring in some competent fullbacks and we should be all set. This was probably the team's biggest weakness this year. John Arne Riise, aka The Ginger Legend, was fairly atrocious all season. Having seemingly lost control over his thunderous left boot, and incapable of guile on or off the ball, he is now clearly on the downslope of his career. Time to move him. Steve Finnan is as nondescript as a Prem player can be and at 32 is not going to get any better. That leaves Alvaro Arbeloa, The Woodsman and Fabio Aurelio, The Oft-Injured one. Neither really impress me. And they sure as hell don't scare opposing teams. One just needs to look at the fullbacks on the teams who finished higher than Liverpool to see how important an offensive defensive (if that makes sense) flank player is: Evra on Man U, Ashely Cole on Chelsea, Gael Clichy and Sanga on Arsenal. Those are some legit threats. Liverpool would be wise to strengthen this area of the squad.

Midfield - I love what Rafa did with the midfield this season. Switching to the 4-2-3-1 formation was a stroke of genius. Did he just get lucky? Perhaps. But it really opened things up for Steven Gerrard and solidified the back. Gerrard was his dominant self again this season and proved that he is the most complete midfielder in the league. The emergence of Javier Mascherano as one of the game's elite defensive midfielders was a nice bonus. Those two should continue to be at the heart of Liverpool's midfield for some time.

There is still room for considerable improvement in this area of the pitch. Xabi Alonso had what most would consider a down year and might be shipped out this summer. While I would be sad to see such an influential figure leave Anfield, maybe it's time for the Passmaster to move on. Our Dutch wingmen: Dirk Kuyt and Ryan Babel are both works in progress. Kuyt is learning a new position (wide right) and Babel is a 21-year old still acclimating to the English game. Personally, I believe that we are better off bringing in someone to replace Kuyt on the right wing, as he is quite limited in almost every important soccer skill, including: dribbling, trapping, passing, shooting and scoring. Basically he just runs around and never tires. He is the soccer equivalent of the Simpsons episode where Homer is a boxer and keeps winning because each opponent he faces gets so tired from beating the shit out of him. Not really a reputation Kuyt would like to hang his hat on, but a valuable one, I suppose.

Strikers - Hmmm, yes, this will do nicely:

This Just In: Mets, Yankees Currently Not Very Good at Baseball

The first full month of the baseball season is over and the Yankees trail the Rays in the American League East standings. That's a tough pill to swallow. Were that pill to actually exist it would contain horse semen, saw dust and granulated limestone. The Bronx Bombers sit at .500 (although they will probably slip below that mark tonight, as Cliff Lee continues his "Best Pitcher of All Time" impression) and trail the Red Sox by 4.5 games. Maybe not as doom and gloom as last year, but certainly not where the team expected to be after 34 games.

The news is only slightly rosier for the Yankees retarded half-brother, the Mets. They sit in third place, but only a game out of first. Following the historic collapse of last year, the Metropolitans would have wanted to get off to a better start. But they didn't and now their fans are bitching. I hear "Mets, worst team in baseball" almost on a daily basis. It's very uplifting stuff.

The city of New York is not ready to have two mediocre teams battling it out for the back cover of free tabloid newspapers. Summer is already unpleasant enough, I don't want to think about having to suffer through mediocrity from my Yankees. And the Mets, well, I could give two flying shiitakes about the Mets; if their languid play continues, it really makes no difference to me.

So, what team is in worse shape? That's what I intend to find out. Join me as we do a position by position comparison of the New York ballclubs.

Catcher - In a perfect world, 36 year old catchers who just signed 4-year contracts would not get injured and I would be able to use the Force and turn invisible. But, alas, such a world does not exist. And now the Yankees know that. Jorge Posada is out injured until God decides to heal his shoulder (pray, damn you, pray). When he comes back there is no guarantee that he will be able to throw the ball with any effectiveness. This is not good at all. Jose Molina has to play out of his mind for the next two months or else I will start pouting and throwing temper tantrum until Mommy sends me to timeout. Trust me, no one wants to see that. Least of all Mommy.

It's hard to believe but the Mets are sitting pretty with Brian Schneider, even if his finger did almost fell off.

Advantage: Mets

First Base - Seriously, Jason Giambi sucks. I don't care what stat you give me, he fucking sucks. No disrespect to the boys at FireJoeMorgan.com, but I refuse to accept any stat that argues that Giambi is a valuable contributor to the Yankees. BABIP, OPS+, VORP can all suck my balls.

Somewhere, a Mets fan is writing the exact same thing I just wrote, except the vitriol is directed at Carlos Delgado. But I watch Giambi on a daily basis, so he sucks more in my mind than Delgago does.

Advantage: Mets

Second Base - This was supposed to be a gimme position. Luis Castillo vs. Robinson Cano. An aging, injury prone slap hitter vs. an emerging superstar. Funny how things work out sometimes. To no great surprise, Castillo has been pretty shabby this year. He might be the only 32 year old non-catcher who can't play a day game after a night game. The one redeeming quality of his game is that he doesn't strike out that much. Not really a ringing endorsement. But when you compare it to what Cano has done this year...Sheesh. It's pretty ugly for the Yankees 2nd baseman.

Cano's OPS is less than .500. That is hard for me to imagine. Hold on, that can't be right, let me pull up my calculator. Jesus, it is right. He is OPSing .471. I really think that I could do better than that. Last year, he OPSed .841 and was touted as a future middle of the order guy. Now, he has to be the worst offensive player in baseball, so far. Will it remain that way. My gut says "No way in Hell" and also "Put Taco Bell in me immediately, slave" but there is no arguing that he has been one of the big reasons why the Yankees have struggled so far this season.

Advantage: Mets

Third Base - D. Wright and A-Rod are both amazing players. Writers much more gifted than I could write reams and reams of copy offering the written equivalent of fellatio to both men of the hot corner. But I'm not going to spend the time. Wright has been healthy this year, A-Rod has been on the 15-day DL already with a reoccurring injury. That worries me. The Mets win.

Advantage: Mets

Shortstop - This really should be a category that the Mets run away with. But for some reason, Jose Reyes has started this season similar to how he ended the last one: not very well. Don't get me wrong, he hasn't been terrible. But he sure hasn't been the Reyes of early 2007. That would concern me if I was a Mets fan. Instead, I'll just laugh about it and pick daisies in the park. La la la.

Jeter keeps plugging along, continuing to slap balls to right center and showcase an ever decreasing amount of range in the field. Just to piss of any sabermetrician (?) who might have stumbled upon this article, I'm going to give Jeter the nod over Reyes because of his intangibles and his grittiness and his desire and his leadership skills. Haha, Bill James must be rolling over in his office/grave in Theo Epstein's cellar.

Advantage: Yankees

Outfield + DH - Two different leagues here, so we are going to go with American League rules while evaluating. Damon, Cabrera, Abreu and Matsui vs. Alou, Beltran, Church and Angel Pagan. I'd love to see them battle it out, Survivor Series style. Which Latin player is going through the Spanish announcer's table? My guess would be Pagan.

Back to real sports. If Beltran can get his head out of his ass, then the Mets might stack up better against the Yanks quartet. But right now the outfield of the Yankees is OPS+ing 144, 130, 123, 160. That's solid enough to impress me. Also, I can't get the image of Matsui hurricaraning Pagan through a table out of my head. It's a little distracting.

Advantage: Yankees

Starting Pitching - Wang, Pettitte, Mussina, Hughes (oops), Kennedy (yikes). Yankees have 3/5 of that rotation still in place. Wang was 6-0 heading into tonight. Pettitte has been serviceable and somehow Moose is getting people out. I know, I can't believe it either. The back end of the rotation has experienced some growing pains. I think that both Hughes and Kennedy will have a positive impact on the season, but neither one of them started with much confidence. Solution: whores. Lots and lots of whores. Nothing picks up the old confidence like a night with a prostitute. Take notes, Cashman.

Outside of Santana, the Mets pitching is so nondescript that it pains me to write anything of value about them. In the place of flowing prose, I offer this haiku:

Pedro hurt again.
Where is his tiny midget?
Dead. Just like fastball.

Advantage: If whores are introduced, Yankees. If not, Mets.

Bullpen - Simple: Joba and Rivera are better than any combination that the Mets can put out there. Even Mr. Met and Cowbell Man.

Advantage: Yankees

Totals: 4 categories a piece. I guess both teams are equally fucked this season. Let the bitching and moaning commence in earnest.

My Week is Ruined

From The Superficial:

"Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are engaged, according to People..."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!


I'm right there with you, Lloyd.

In other, less depressing, news: a cyclone killed more than 10,000 people in Myanmar (don't you dare call it Burma), Eight Belles was euthanized on the track at the Kentucky Derby (costing me $30 bucks in the Shattered Ankles pool) and this Italian dude lost his mind (Hat tip to Awful Announcing for the link):

It's going to be a great week.