Celebrating The Most Absurdly Outrageous Movie of All-Time

That, ladies and germs, is a movie poster for the most absurdly outrageous movie of all-time. If your mind is too blown by Arnold Schwarzenegger's right bicep to read the title, worry not, I will assist. It's called "Commando." Released in 1985 and the pinnacle of Arnold's jacked/badassness, Commando not only takes no prisoner, it starts wars just for the sake of taking no prisoners. I'm not going to go through a plot description. Why? Because there is no fucking plot. It's just Arnold killing people who fucked up his shit. Don't think Arnold has charisma? He fucks charisma up in this movie with a bowie knife.

If you are a man, or a masculine woman, see this movie now. I defy you to not to enjoy this 90-minute mule pummeling (one step ahead of ass kicking).

Here is a list of reason's why this movie is so unbelievably awesome:

1) The character Arnold plays in this movie is named John Matrix. Seriously, what kind of last name is Matrix? A fucking awesome one, that's what. It's not as over-the-top as Sledgehammer or Fucksupshit but just as potent. The only downside of having Matrix as a last name is that if you have any offspring who aren't as badass, it just sounds ridiculous. Take for example, John's daughter, Jenny Matrix (played by a spirited Alyssa Milano). Can you imagine how embarrassing it must be for her on the first day of school? And I thought "The Fletchinator" was a bad last named. That's nothing compared to Matrix. No wonder why she turned out to be such a slut in Commando 2, released in 1998 in my mind.

2) Commando's opening credits are absolutely hilarious. It's a "father loves daughter" montage cheesier than an elephant's smegma. But even its unbelievably hackneyed clips show a certain amount of badassness. Take for example the shot of Matrix and his daughter hand feeding a doe. Are you serious? When was the last time you were within 5 feet of a deer? They are the most skittish animals on the planet. That's why there is a challenge in hunting them; you aren't supposed to just walk up and be able to feed it. Yet, Matrix can pull it off. I can only assume that the doe is either heavily sedated or literally so fucking scared of how jacked Matrix is that it submits to his will.

3) Bennett. I'm not sure any villain in the history of movies has ever not been assumed gay when donning a chain mail vest and fingerless leather gloves. Bennett is no exception. For someone who was supposedly an elite covert-op military agent, he sure has let himself go. But still, you have got to give the man credit. Somehow he is able to hold his own against Matrix and even takes getting electrocuted in stride. Not many men could get up from that. What he has in brawn, he definitely lacks in brains, as we will discuss shortly.

4) The one liners in Commando are simply amazing. I've never seen a movie with better quips. Here is a sampling of some of Matrix's classics:

"You're a funny man, Sully, I like you. That's why I'm going to kill you last."

"I eat Green Berets for breakfast and right now I'm very hungry."

"Because all fucking hell is going to break loose."

To plane: "Come on you piece of shit, fly or die!" (note: Matrix actually scared an inanimate object into life)

I could to go, but I don't want to deprive anyone the thrill, and hilarity, of hearing these gems for the first time.

5) SPOILER ALERT - Only read on if you have already seen the movie or you want to know how Matrix kills Bennett.

The final fight scene does a great job of encapsulating the absurdity of this movie. The setting is an underground bunker/power plant/pipe facility located at least 25 feet below a mansion built on a small island off the coast of California. Naturally, that's where you'd expect to find such a complex. Anyway, Matrix enters looking for his daughter, while Bennett waits.

See for yourself how things go down:

Bennett is a fucking idiot. He has about 4 or 5 golden opportunities to kill Matrix. Instead he gets sucked into a macho pissing contest. If he had been paying attention to what was going on around him, he would have realized that Matrix had just killed about 500 armed men by himself. Engaging him in a one-on-one knife fight probably isn't a great idea. To top it off, he gets a fucking pipe thrown through his body. Some good that chain mail did, you bumbling homoerotic douchecock.

Right now I feel like I could throw a pipe through Bennett's chest. Just need to start working on witty one-liners and doing more than just 12-ounce curls.

(Photo courtesy: Rasmussen Collectibles)