The Longest 24 Hours...Part 1

To all the 24 fans out there that I'm about to offend, my sincerest apologies, but it seems that Jack Bauer has a lot of time off these days. So that got me thinking: what does America's number #1 anti-terrorist super-agent do in on his off days? The answer below...

****The following takes place between the hours of 1am July 19th and 12:59am July 20th.****

1:00am - The phone rings. Jack opens his eyes and wearily gazes at the clock. The red LED lights on his Bose Wave Radio clock have yet to come into focus. He squints and is able to make out the time. "Who the fuck is calling at this hour," he mumbles as he reaches to pick up his phone.

"Bauer here."

"Jack, it's the Secretary of Defense, we need you. We just got word that an Algerian band of terrorists have smuggled a couple of containers of weapons grade plutonium into the country. We don't know why just yet, but we need you to put out any fires that might arise."

"God damnit! This is not happening. Hold on. Let me get my shit together." Bauer rolls out of bed and begins to search for his pants. After sliding into the wrinkled chinos, he puts the receiver to his ear.

"Okay, Secretary, what's the situation?" He can't be certain but he thinks he hears a muffled giggle on the other line.

"Secretary O'Hearn, is that you?"

"Gotcha Jack! It's Ron from across the street! I'm just busting your balls. You are so fucking gullible. That's like the fifth time you've fallen for that joke. God, you are an idiot. No wonder you can't get laid."

Bauer yells an obscenity at his devious neighbor as he hangs up, then curses himself as he slips back into bed and under the covers.

Sleep does not come quickly.

7:17am - The alarm slowly fills the room, a gradual crescendo of classic rock slamming into Bauer's sensitive eardrums. He crushes a pillow against his head in an attempt to block out the incessant warbling of Stevie Nicks. It is not the ideal start to the day for Bauer. The man debates whether or not to hit the snooze button. Will nine minutes of extra sleep really help him? No, what he needs now is coffee. Black coffee. Boiling coffee. For the second time this morning, he rises from bed.

He strolls past the pants that were haphazardly discarded after the phone call incident from earlier. Pants are no longer necessary; his boxers will do just fine. He exits the bedroom and sets a course directly to the kitchen. There will be no stopping in the bathroom for Bauer. Truth be told, he hasn't had the urge to go to the bathroom much these days. Think of that: a grown man who can't bring himself to piss. Bauer scoffs at the irony as he enters the kitchen.

Still some coffee left in the pot, he thinks to himself. Damn, when was the last time he made a fresh batch? Three days? A week? He doesn't remember. Hell, he's been drunk the past month. He fills a mug to the brim and shoves the cup into the microwave, spilling at least a quarter of the obsidian liquid. Then he waits as radiation warms his morning sustenance.

After his coffee is ready, he leaves the kitchen and makes for the living room. There are empty bottles of whiskey strewn about the room. Much to his surprise, a naked woman is asleep on his couch. Strange, Bauer doesn't recall ordering a prostitute last night.

He settles into his chair and turns on the television as he nurses the first few sips from his plastic novelty mug. The coffee makes him shudder. It tastes like dirt and flat soda water. Just the way he likes it.

"Ah, good shit," says Bauer, as he browses through the channels. He stops at the Game Show Network. "Hell yeah, a Card Sharks marathon," he blurts out to no one, especially not the woman of the night who has apparently taken up residence on his couch. Suddenly, she emits a soft, yet high pitched squeal from her lower body. Bauer can't help but crack a smile as he realizes the whore has let loose a tiny fart.

10:30am - Bauer grows weary of Card Sharks. He's sat through six straight episodes of the show. How much Jim Perry can one man take, he wonders. Time to get up. Bauer's body creaks as he lifts himself from the chair. He runs his hand over his scars, their bulbous nature somehow soothing to the touch. Amazingly, the woman is still asleep on the couch and Bauer can't decide if he should wake her. Deciding against it, he makes his way to the bathroom. Finally, he can piss. Or so he thinks. After standing at the toilet for five minutes, a weak stream finally begins to trickle out of him. He blames the Chinese for this. He blames the Chinese for all the problems in his life.

He runs the shower and steps into the warm current of water cascading down from his military strength shower head. It's going to be a long day, determines the rogue agent.

11:15am - After the shower, Bauer feels more energetic. To his delight, the woman has vacated the premises, ostensibly without taking anything from his wallet or his home. That makes it all the more shocking when he gazes out of his front door and sees that his mailbox has been obliterated. That's the last time he stiffs a whore.

Time passes slowly for the out of work federal employee, especially while at home. So he decides to spend the rest of his morning and the early afternoon doing something productive. It's off to the driving range or as Bauer refers to it, "The Range of Danger."


What adventures lie in store for our hero at the range? What diabolical plan do the Chinese have in store for Bauer this time? Stay tuned to this channel to find out the exciting conclusion to the Longest 24 Hours.