Airlines = Monumental Fail

(Ed. note - The following was written on Tuesday as I sat in Gate C4 at La Guardia Airport in New York)
There are a number of reasons why I love the airport. And by love, I mean hate with such a fervor that if air travel ceases to exist in the coming years, and recent financial projections seem to think that fate is not entirely impossible, I will express no sadness. No remorse. No longing for the pleather seating in the gates, no yearning for the overpriced and wholly inedible food and certainly no yen for the static feedback that is resonating in my eardrums at this very moment, slowly driving me to the brink of madness. Suffice to say, the airport is one of my least favorite places on the earth.

Hold on, I'm fascinated by a crumb delicately balanced on the Quebecois gentleman's belly directly opposite of me. He is working on a Sodoku and cannot be bothered with even the slightest bit of personal hygiene. Please, by all means, let that crumb establish permanent residence on your bulging stomach. If it spawns an offspring, it will be an American citizen and can live in this great land without fear of prosecution for being a mother fucking crumb. Here's a seat at the front of the class, Crumb-fuck. Stretch my tax dollars a little thinner you greedy bread particle.

But, I digress. Trying to block out the inane small talk that currently inundates my personal space- think gamma radiation and Bruce Banner - is futile task at the airport, so apologies in advance if this post lacks direction or coherent thought. The is a general jeremiad pointed at the aviation business in general. The airing of grievances will begin...now:

*To the bald man making small talk with the Australians: Shut the fuck up. You will never see these people again after today, please stop trying to forge a lifelong friendship. Stop explaining baseball. Stop talking about Nascar. They don't care how "swinging" Memphis is. Memphis blows. Everybody knows that. That's why the motto of the town is "Memphis - We know we suck, but at least we aren't Knoxville." (ed. note- Might not actually be town credo).

*The People Magazine crossword puzzle does not require discussion between two people. You should be embarrassed enough just doing it, no need to bring others down with you. Please crawl into a soundproof hole when attempting to figure an 8-letter word for "Full House Dad."

*There's an invention called air conditioning, perhaps you've heard of it? It is my understanding that it sucks in air, cools it, then expels it in a forceful manner making the surrounding area much more comfortable. It's one of the things that separates us from animals. We don't need to be slaves to Mother Nature's fickle temperament. When it's 75 degrees and as humid as a Vietnamese steam room in the dead of monsoon season, its acceptable to engage the device. I realize that you're trying to cut corners, American Airlines, but seriously, I prefer a perspiration free experience as I wait for my delayed flight.

*When urinating, I'd rather not have my piss splash back onto my pant legs. I'm not sure if this is my fault or not, but clearly the urinal has some issues. I've been pissing by myself for more than a score, often times in a similar piss receptacle. There has been nary a time where I have zipped up and looked down to see two giant blotches of piss splatter on my inner thighs. What the FUCK is going on here!?!? I love having to splash soapy water all over my pants then spend 10 minutes standing under the hot air/hand washing jet drying myself off. If the person who invented the airport urinals was standing in front of my right now, I'd give them a backhand chop to the jugular, then piss down his throat as he lay prone on the ground, simultaneously gasping for air and lapping up my piss. That would be fair retribution.

Imagine if you went to a movie and it started an hour and a half late. You would lose your shit and demand your money back or at least a free pass to another showing. What about if you needed surgery and the doctor nonchalantly decided that the operation was going to start 90 minutes past its scheduled time. That would be a lawsuit. Plain and simply. Airlines routinely get away with that nonsense on a hourly basis. God it drives me insane.

The airing of grievances has now concluded. I will now board the aircraft and pray to God that it doesn't explode upon takeoff, landing or anywhere in between.