Thanksgiving + Vacation = No Posting

It's been a great food coma. I woke up just in time to start the NFL double header on CBS and enjoy the Plaxico Burress-less Giants take on the Skins. My day should gradually continue to improve up until 4:15pm when it will precipitously fall off a cliff. But I don't want to dwell on the negative. I'm on vacation. Sorry loyal reader, but there will be scant updates in the next day or two. Pass the time by playing this game:

Fun Times!

Or head into the bathroom and get reacquainted with Adriana Lima:

The Return, Part 2: Friday Night Clairvoyance

Back in the day, when I was a fledgling blogger and an anti-social hermit, I used to do a semi-regular Friday column called "Friday Night Clairvoyance" that was my look ahead to the weekend in CBSVG because I was too lazy to put in the effort for any sort of weekend blogging. Aside from the occasional weekend live blog, I'm generally too lazy for any weekend posting; now my lethargy extends to Friday, as well. So that's the explanation behind the lack of predictions over the past few months. But you probably already assumed that.

Saturday is shaping up to be one of the great sporting days of 2008. Huge college football games litter the schedule, topped off by the epic Texas Tech/Oklahoma matchup. It's a perfect day for 12 hours of binge drinking. Are you up for the challenge? You better be. Here's what to expect this weekend:

Michigan State vs Penn State - The Nittany Lions have a chance to wrap up the Big Ten championship with a win over the Spartans at Beaver Stadium in Happy Valley. Repeat that last part again: Beaver Stadium in Happy Valley. Unless a team starts playing games at Cunt Stadium in Vag Valley, I'm pretty sure Penn State has the most sexually perverse home stadium in college football. That being said, the power of the innuendo leads the Nittany Lions to a 31-24 win over Michigan State.

BYU vs Utah - Regardless of who wins the Holy War and claims MWC superiority, Mormon chicks WILL be getting finger blasted Saturday night. They love that shit. Utah stays undefeated 41-31.

Michigan vs Ohio State - No one cares.

Texas Tech vs Oklahoma - The big one. The one that cannot possibly live up to the hype surrounding it. The one that won't even be close. The one that Oklahoma wins handily 45-28. The one that ruins Tech's chances of a national championship. The one that you should black out during halftime due to alcohol consumption. If you aren't time traveling during the second half of this game, then consider your Saturday an abject failure.

In case you forgot, there are some great NFL games also. So much football it hurts my face just thinking about it.

Games of Some Importance:
Jets vs Titans - Division leaders battle in Tennessee. Ugly uniforms no doubt will be on display. Titans try to hold on to its undefeated record, while Brett Favre attempts to squeeze more fun out of football. It will be interesting to see how much fun Brett has with Albert Haynesworth's junk on his head. Titans 23, Jets 14.

Dolphins vs Patriots - This could almost be considered an elimination game. That being the case...please, please, pretty please Dolphins win this game. Work some of that Wildcat magic again and and injure multiple Pats players. That's not too much to ask, is it? Fins 31, Sons of Lucifer 28.

Giants vs Cardinals - Are the Cards for real? Or are they a paper lion, a robin-sized bird that feats upon the birdseed of the NFC West but chokes when facing the league's condors? Does that bird metaphor even make sense? No. But it was still fun for everyone involved. Giants 40, Cards 24.

Hot Chick Alert - For no reason in particular, here's a picture of a hot chick who goes by the name of Eiko Koike. I'm sure you've never heard of her, but that doesn't take away from the fact that she has reeeeeeeeediculous yabbos.


Um, okay, that's just retarded. I'm not sure if I can continue.

Yeah, my mind just turned into a gooey paste. Thanks a lot Eiko.

Still Alive and Kicking

It's been lonely at CBSVG this past week. I've been getting evil stares from my blog about the lack of attention it has received. Never one for excuses, I'm just going to swallow my pride and admit that I was held hostage by Somali pirates. It was a hellish experience and one will be impossible to forget. But, the important thing to know is that I'm back and ready to dispense wisdom and childish humor two to three times a week, all for your enjoyment.

Time to make up for lost time. Here's a quick round-up of Chicks, Beer, Sports and Video Games to segue into a much more significant post tomorrow. On a Friday night no less. See what I'm willing to sacrifice for my fans?

Jeopardy style Q & A:
A: What is the above picture?
Q: The only acceptable reason for a man to purchase December's issue of Allure.

For English Premier League fans out there, do yourself a favor and watch Fanzone every once in a while. It's usually on at some weird hour and the game isn't live so there's a good chance you know the score anyway, but honestly, who cares? This is about dedicated fans rooting for their team and giving the most biased play by play commentary this side of Dicky V broadcasting a Duke game. Need proof that this show kicks ass? Watch away:


(Video compliments of The Offside and The Beautiful Game)

On the video game front, a new Mortal Kombat title just dropped (I'm so clearly from the ghetto). Not to date myself, but I was in 6th or 7th grade when the first MK was released. Let it be known that many quarters were spent playing that game, trying to figure out how to do the goddamn Fatalities. For a wee lad of 12 or 13, they were nigh on impossible to pull off. But as I grew older, and newer MKs came out, I was able to hold my own against some of the older kids at the Varsity Club, with their wispy mustaches and rat tails. In my opinion the pinnacle of the series is MK2, so here are the Fatalities from that memorable title.



What would any round up be without some drunken buffoonery? Certainly not a recap on CBSVG. When I'm an 83-year old woman, I hope to be able to pull off as an impressive a kegstand. Given that I can barely do a push up, I have my work cut out for me.

Live Blog - Jets vs Patriots

AFC East supremacy is at stake tonight. About down time someone throws a wrench in the Patriots juggernaut. Brady going down on week one was a good sign, now the Jets can put the second nail in the coffin tonight. Not the final nail, but a sturdy one. So, to honor the occasion, I figured I'd break out another live blog. Just like a bad case of the herp, I'm back. Pop some Valtrex and prepare for 3+ hours of inane observations. Side note: I'm watching alongside a huge Jets fan. I'll try to get some audio at some point.

8:09 - We don't get the NFL Network in New York, so we are watching on the CW Network right now. Let's just say that they've dropped the ball so far. Apparently the people singing the National Anthem (homely chicks) are cursing because half the song has been bleeped out. Great start CW. Loved how you started the broadcast with some audio from what sounded like a cross between Gossip Girl/90210/and the gayest nightmare that you can imagine.

8:15 - The game is underway. Over/under on Favre turnovers this game is holding steady at 3.5. I'll take the under, but that's just because I'm an optimist.

8:18 - First third down of the night. First opportunity for an explosion from the guy directly to my left.

8:22 - Challenge goes Jets way. And there is much rejoicing.

8:24 - Another big Jets 3rd down conversion on a crisp Favre pass down the seam. Well thrown ball and a big pickup for the Jets.

8:26 - TD for the Jets. Screen pass to Leon Washington who sneaks his way into the endzone. Great start for Gang Green. And Gillette Stadium falls silent.

8:35 - Pats driving. This is the only time you'll see me write BenJarvis Green-Ellis. From now on he will be known as BJ GE. Or maybe just Beej for short. He's been ineffective so far. Beej.

8:40 - I'm about to drop a little knowledge on you. Bill Belichick's spawn, Amanda, is not attractive. She looks just like him. And she is a huge whore. Suck on that Billers. Your daughter is a slut and loves cock.

8:42 = FG to the Pats. 7-3. Nice bend but don't break defense from the Jets.

8:47 - Dustin Keller, breakout tight end of the season. He and Favre have some telepathic shit going on. That was unexpected heading into the season and the football equivalent finding a $20 bill in a crumpled pair of khakis.

8:49 - Patriots tackling on a Brad Smith carry = fail.

8:51 - Two Favre tosses into the endzone, the first one should have been caught, the second one would have been a tough catch in traffic, but both fell incomplete. FG is good, 10-3 Jets. Remember this as a wasted opportunity for New York.

9:00 - Red zone alert for the Pats. Fade to Moss is terribly overthrown. He had single coverage and the ball sailed 15 ft over his head. No wonder why this guy hasn't started since high school. Jets hold. FG attempt is good, 10-6 Jets.

9:05 - Leon Washington return TD!!!! 17-6. His fourth return of the season for a score. Second TD of the game. The Pats are shellshocked. Amanda Belichick just spit the cock out of her mouth in disgust.

9:12 - Jets defense is looking pretty good right now. That might be a jinx. But whatever, my two eyes are telling me that they want this more than the Pats right now. No rhythm in the New England offense right now.

9:18 - No one bothered to guard Jericho Cotchery on a first down. Jets will take 15 yards all day. Patriots, are you planning on showing up tonight?

9:21 - Speaking of Cotchery, unbelievable one-handed catch on the sideline while getting raped by a defender.

9:22 - This drive is owned by Cotchery. Just scored a TD by breaking a tackle and stretching across the goalline. Jets offense on fire right now. NBA Jam type fire. Boomshakalaka, mother bitches.

9:24 - Just an FYI - this game is 24-6 right now. Can't imagine even the most optimistic Jets fan thought that this would be the score with 5 minutes left in the first half.

9:30 - Kris Jenkins just ate Heath Evans for a late dinner. That's how you devour fullback dive. Fullback dive tastes a lot like meatballs.

9:31 - 4th down...Sacked. Not sure if that's the right call. Jets have all the momentum right now. A TD before halftime might put this baby to bed early.

9:35 - I'd love to see an incompetence suck off between NFL officials and the umps from the MLB playoffs. Both have been awful. Is it too much to expect some professionalism from the judicial branch of our sporting events.

9:38 - 1:44 left in the first half, Pats ball. Jets would be wise to not let up on this drive. A 24-6 lead at the half is much nicer than 24-13.

9:41 - Another 4th down, Cassell runs the old DGFL favorite, QB Wedge, to pick up the first. Lame.

9:43 - Pats score with 15 ticks left in the half. Mangini can not be happy right now. Something might get thrown in the locker room for the lack of intensity shown by the Jets on the drive. Or he might just shoot a Soprano's cameo. Either way, someone might get whacked.

9:48 - Halftime: 24-13. Great first half for the Jets, although they will be disappointed about the late TD.

10:01 - Back to the live action. Rousing halftime of Youtube videos. Highlights include: RBI Baseball Bunt Home Run and Kermit the Frog Reacts to 2 Girls 1 Cup.

10:04 - Promising drive stopped as Ben Watson just decided to drop the ball under very little pressure. Jets pick up the fumble and restore order to the universe.

10:08 - So that drive didn't go anywhere for the Jets. Favre took a pair of sacks and New York goes three and out. Might we see a momentum shift here? Let's see what transpires on this Pats drive. If they can score a TD here, well, we might have ourselves a little bit of a game. Which would suck. I was comfortable with a Jets blowout. Now I'm uncomfortable. Time to remove the anal beads.

10:14 - Best way to kill a drive, fuck up a snap and lose 25 yards on one play. That pretty much will kill anything. No play for 2nd and 30. At least not in any playbook that I'm familiar with.

10:20 - Leon Washington. Guy gets the job done. Just picked up a big first down on a 3rd and 9. Jets have already entered milk the clock mode. Milk it. Milk it. /makes milking gesture with both hands.

10:28 - Conversation has shifted to Viagra and why men can't get it up. Someone threw out 'circulation problems,' which makes sense. I went with 'men just get tired of sticking their penis in the same hole for 25 years.' Probably a little bit of column A and a little bit of column B.

10:31 - FYI - According to some people in this room, if you're from New England, you're a bad person. Sounds about right.

10:34 - 3rd down penalty on the Jets gifts the Pats a first down. Things just got punched. Not people, which is good, but inanimate objects are on high alert right now.

10:36 - Matt Cassell scrambles, buys time, and completes a TD pass to Ben Watson. Big play for a guy who literally dropped the ball earlier in the quarter. Pats go for 2. And they get it. Gafney, wide open. Pats only down 3. 24-21. This should be a good 4th quarter. Ruing the fact that I need to go to work tomorrow.

10:42 - To say that the Jets defense is out of sync right now would be a huge understatement. Now is the time to assert their dominance and show the Pats that there is a new dog in town. Jets pick up a huge first down. That might settle their nerves.

10:46 - And by settling nerves, I didn't mean Jericho Cotchery fumbling the ball right into the Patriots lap. Things are looking dicey right now for New York. Their defense needs to make a stop right now. If they don't, no prostitutes for after the game.

10:49 - Cassell rips off a huge run. Jets defense is folding worse than moist origami in a $2 suit draped on a whore. That whore comment doesn't make sense, but I haven't hit my derogatory comments towards women quota yet.

10:51 - FG ties the game at 24. Pats have scored 18 straight points. Things are not good in Jetsville right now.

10:54 - Huge drive right now for the Jets. They need points here. Preferably a touchdown. Touchdowns are nice. Especially when the defense hasn't stopped anyone in the 2nd half.

10:57 - Jets in good position right now. Favre showing that he still has it as he whips in a pass to Keller. This could be the defining moment of the Jets 2008 season.

10:59 - I don't have a word right now for larger than huge, but the Jets just converted on 3rd and 2, and that's bigger than huge rightn ow. 4 minutes left in the game and this is looking like at least a guaranteed 3 points for the Jets. If I jinxed them, then I apologize. Let's see how this transpires.

11:02 - Things might be going the Jets way tonight as they pick up a first down on a Pats penalty. Hmm. Dubious call, but New York fans will take it. Gang Green knocking on the doorstep. Matt Cassell might have to pull off a Brady like comeback after the Jets score. Too bad he isn't Brady and he definitely isn't fucking Gisele tonight.

11:08 - Jets TD. Crushing drive from the Jets as they go up 7. Pats are going to have just over 3 minutes with one time out left to try to tie this up. Things might be thrown soon, regardless of the outcome of this Pats drive.

11:13 - The last thing the Pats needed was a three and out and that is exactly what the Jets got. New England punts. First down for the Jets probably ends this.

11:15 - 3rd and 2 upcoming. Two minute warning. If the Jets get this, chalk up a tally in the win column for the good guys.

11:18 - Jets come up a little short on a run up the middle. Clock keeps ticking. Jets will now punt giving the Pats about 1:10 left to work.

11:20 - 64 seconds is all that stands in the way of a Jets victory tonight. That and any last second heroics the Pats pull. Which would suck if it ended up happening.

11:21 - New England in striking distance right now. 25 yards out.

11:23 - 8 seconds. 2 plays maybe.

11:25 - Unbelievable Randy Moss TD. With one fucking second left. We are a PAT away from OT. This sucks. I love Moss but this sucks.

11:26 - We might have a broken BlackBerry. Parts went flying.

11:28 - PAT good. Overtime beckons.

11:29 - Had you told me that Matt Cassell would have 400 yards tonight I would have not believed you. In fact, that would have been the last thing I'd expect. Pats squib the kickoff and this game now rests on the result of a coin toss.

11:31 - Jets call tails. Tails it is. Jets are starting with the ball. This is has been a great game so far. It's a shame that it will have to end with sudden death. I think I just swallowed my tongue.

11:34 - Kickoff goes for a touchback. Jets are going to have to string together a drive. They only did it once in the 2nd half. This is the type of game that Favre either wins it or loses it. And it generally happens quickly.

11:35 - Sack on first down. Not the start that the Jets needed. The pressure mounts. That gods are frowning on the Jets. That is something that I can't understand. The gods are fickle bastards.

11:35 - Patriots decided that Dustin Keller had AIDS and the Plague. That is the only reason I can think of why no one guarded him. He was wide open 15 yards down the field.

11:40 - Favre is making magic happen right now. Jets are firmly in FG range. We might not see Matt Cassell again tonight.

11:42 - 33 yard FG to win the game. Jay Feely, does he have it?

11:44 - Jets win! FG to win. Jets win. That was intense. I need a shower.

Puppy Cam Is Taking Over My Life

This is the most adorable thing I've seen all year. I can't stop watching these little bundles of cuteness. My favorite is Ayumi (yellow collar) but I'd love to hear what other people think. Vote away:



Video courtesy of UStream.tv.

Vote Tomorrow

Whoever you like as a candidate, go out and vote for that person tomorrow tomorrow. Or else I will kill babies. Do you want dead babies on your conscience? Didn't think so. So get there early or late, whatever, just get there.