The Return, Part 2: Friday Night Clairvoyance

Back in the day, when I was a fledgling blogger and an anti-social hermit, I used to do a semi-regular Friday column called "Friday Night Clairvoyance" that was my look ahead to the weekend in CBSVG because I was too lazy to put in the effort for any sort of weekend blogging. Aside from the occasional weekend live blog, I'm generally too lazy for any weekend posting; now my lethargy extends to Friday, as well. So that's the explanation behind the lack of predictions over the past few months. But you probably already assumed that.

Saturday is shaping up to be one of the great sporting days of 2008. Huge college football games litter the schedule, topped off by the epic Texas Tech/Oklahoma matchup. It's a perfect day for 12 hours of binge drinking. Are you up for the challenge? You better be. Here's what to expect this weekend:

Michigan State vs Penn State - The Nittany Lions have a chance to wrap up the Big Ten championship with a win over the Spartans at Beaver Stadium in Happy Valley. Repeat that last part again: Beaver Stadium in Happy Valley. Unless a team starts playing games at Cunt Stadium in Vag Valley, I'm pretty sure Penn State has the most sexually perverse home stadium in college football. That being said, the power of the innuendo leads the Nittany Lions to a 31-24 win over Michigan State.

BYU vs Utah - Regardless of who wins the Holy War and claims MWC superiority, Mormon chicks WILL be getting finger blasted Saturday night. They love that shit. Utah stays undefeated 41-31.

Michigan vs Ohio State - No one cares.

Texas Tech vs Oklahoma - The big one. The one that cannot possibly live up to the hype surrounding it. The one that won't even be close. The one that Oklahoma wins handily 45-28. The one that ruins Tech's chances of a national championship. The one that you should black out during halftime due to alcohol consumption. If you aren't time traveling during the second half of this game, then consider your Saturday an abject failure.

In case you forgot, there are some great NFL games also. So much football it hurts my face just thinking about it.

Games of Some Importance:
Jets vs Titans - Division leaders battle in Tennessee. Ugly uniforms no doubt will be on display. Titans try to hold on to its undefeated record, while Brett Favre attempts to squeeze more fun out of football. It will be interesting to see how much fun Brett has with Albert Haynesworth's junk on his head. Titans 23, Jets 14.

Dolphins vs Patriots - This could almost be considered an elimination game. That being the case...please, please, pretty please Dolphins win this game. Work some of that Wildcat magic again and and injure multiple Pats players. That's not too much to ask, is it? Fins 31, Sons of Lucifer 28.

Giants vs Cardinals - Are the Cards for real? Or are they a paper lion, a robin-sized bird that feats upon the birdseed of the NFC West but chokes when facing the league's condors? Does that bird metaphor even make sense? No. But it was still fun for everyone involved. Giants 40, Cards 24.

Hot Chick Alert - For no reason in particular, here's a picture of a hot chick who goes by the name of Eiko Koike. I'm sure you've never heard of her, but that doesn't take away from the fact that she has reeeeeeeeediculous yabbos.


Um, okay, that's just retarded. I'm not sure if I can continue.

Yeah, my mind just turned into a gooey paste. Thanks a lot Eiko.