Things I Should Have Said to the Bouncer at Bourbon Street After Being Denied Entry

As you can probably guess from this aptly named post, I was denied entrance into Bourbon Street on Friday Night. Needless to say, I was not pleased. Unfortunately, I had no witty retort, so I walked away with my tail between my legs. It's true, I have a tail. Here is a list of things I wish I had said to the bouncer instead of meekly walking away.
--"Rape is imminent."
--"Please sir, I need to get into the bar. My wife is going into labor and I'm a doctor. I need to deliver that fucking baby right now."
--"My name is Jake Jupiter. Now step aside and let me pass."
--"Dude, come on. What's the worst that can happen? "
--"Oh yeah, well, the jerk store just called and they're all out of you."
--"If I don't get a beer right now, my dick is about to fall off. You don't want that on your conscious."
--"There a hundred dollars in my pocket. You let me in, you might get to sniff a little bit of that cabbage."
--"I'm going to piss on you if you don't let me in. Seriously, there will be piss on or around your leg. Do you really want to be standing in piss, do you?"
--"Who would win in a fight between you and my bodyguard? Oh, he should be here any second. And he is one mean dude."
--"This is amateur hour. I'm the Fletchinator. Come on, let me in."
--"Look, these pastel pants are not going to grind up on a bitch on their own."
--"So what if I'm drunk as fuck. I guarantee you I won't throw up. I promise."
--"Time passes very slowly in the jaws of a submerged hippo. You are about to find that out for yourself."
--"You have brought disgrace upon my family. If you don't let me in, I will need to commit ritualistic suicide."
--"Fuck."
--"Shit."
--"Piss."
--"Well, who is coming to the ballet with me?"