Eduardo and Column Recycling

Good luck getting to sleep tonight.  I won't watch the above video, but I know what happens. Double compound fracture ahead!  That smarts.  

Once, many moons ago, I wrote a column for my old college rag showcasing the 10 worst sports injuries of all-time.  I could pull a Simmons and just recycle the thing, claim to 'tighten it up,' add some inane footnotes and watch the dollars roll in.  But this bitch is already as tight as a drum, locked in a vice, inserted into Britney Spears vagina circa 1996.  Be dialing folks, be dialing.

So instead, I'm going to reprint the top 5 and, if I can find one, throw in a video or picture.  

5) ED MCCAFFREY, Wide Receiver - Denver Broncos

What was most unfortunate about Ed McCaffrey's broken leg was not the grotesque jiggle that happened as his leg crumbled and wrapped around the defender, nor was it that he was sidelined for the entire season in only week one of the season. No, the most tragic part of the injury was that all the attention was given to his broken leg and not to the catch that he miraculously made at the same time. There is something about McCaffrey that is very strange. He gets hit harder than anyone else in the league. It is an uncanny gift. At least once a game, McCaffrey will get hit and you'll immediately think he has to be dead. However, except for that one time he broke his leg, he gets up every time, maybe a little shaken up, but in a few plays he will be back at full speed. It is an incredible thing to behold.

4) KEVIN STEVENS, Left Wing - Pittsburgh Penguins

Thankfully, a professional hockey player has never checked me before. I can imagine that what would happen to me would be quite similar to what Stevens experienced. After taking a bone-crushing check along the boards Stevens was knocked completely unconscious.  Without the use of his limbs to break his fall, he fell directly on his face, shattering it immediately. As a general rule of thumb, wily hockey veterans are not the most glamorous of folk, so Stevens might not have been that upset when he needed to have his face reconstructed.

(The hit takes place about :45 seconds in)

3) FRANK VOLPICELLI - Darien High School

The Darien High School junior varsity football team has always been on the cusp of greatness, always one step away from making that step from good JV program to excellent JV program. The game against Greenwich could have allowed for that next step to be taken. On that fateful day, not only did Darien get dominated, but also a good friend of mine lost part of his finger. In one of the strangest scenes ever experienced on a football field, Volpicelli got his finger caught in between his chest and a pulling guard and off popped the top part of his middle finger. For the next 10 minutes, as blood pumped from his stump, both teams combed the field looking for the part of the finger. The parents in the stands first thought someone had lost a contact, but as news spread of the real reason for the search, a groan was let out and faces cringed. Finally, the finger part was found and rushed to the hospital on ice. For poor Frank, it could not be reconnected. He now has a deformed middle finger, which he uses quite liberally when people upset him.

2) JOE THEISMANN, Quarterback - Washington Redskins

When people talk about horrific sports injuries, this is the one that most commonly comes up. Enough has been said about Lawrence (LT) Taylor falling right on Theismann's leg, thus breaking it in two, to fill up a couple of books, so I will make this short. The most interesting thing about this incident, in my opinion, is Lawrence Taylor's immediate reaction after destroying Theismann's career. It was not a celebratory reaction as one might expect after sacking the quarterback. Instead, LT jumped up and waved on the trainers, knowing that he had just inflicted pain on Theismann that no person should feel.



1) CLINT MALARCHUK, Goalie - Buffalo Sabres

There is something about having your neck stepped on by a razor sharp skate blade that just sounds unpleasant. This is what happened to Malarchuk as he was playing goalie for the Sabres in 1989. The result was a severed jugular vein and the foulest blood fountain ever to be seen in a sporting event. It has been said that if Malarchuk were on the opposite side of the ice and not on the side where the ambulance was parked, he would have died. For those at the game, they had the honor of seeing the most horrific injury of all time take place right in front eyes. If I had been there, I would have without question fainted, so for that I am thankful. Luckily, Malarchuk was able to recover fully from his severed neck and now coaches goalies part-time for the Florida Panthers and moonlights as a horse dentist. Some things are just too weird to make up.

Best Week Ever? Hmmmm

It might not have been the best week ever, but it's damn close.   Let's recap:

Liverpool somehow managed to beat Inter (with a little friendly roja action from Mr. Referee).

Then this little bombshell was dropped:

Then there was that whole sex scandal in China.  You know, the one that ruined careers and shamed the Chinese back to the Ming Dynasty.  Here's a refresher:

Oh, and in case you forgot, the United States flexed its cock muscles by destroying a satellite with a missile from a fucking boat.  An outrageous display of contempt for the peace keeping nations of the world.  I'm disgusted.  And aroused by the thought of Space, nay, Star Wars with other countries.  Just in time for me to show everyone the ways of the Force and my Darth Vader mini-helmet.

On a personal note, it was a short work week and I beat Rock Band (Lead Guitar) on Expert.  I'm not sure if next week is going to be able to compete.  But I'd appreciate at least an effort.  You hear that, next week!  You better bust your ass.

Quick Clairvoyance:

I'm going to keep the predictions brief because I seem to be putting the jinx on my teams. 

Me vs Getting Drunk on Saturday - Too close to call right now, but Vegas has Getting Drunk on Saturday as a slight favorite.

That's the only matchup of note for the next two days.  Sorry.  This last week took a lot out of me.

Bonus: I know it's a couple of weeks late, but I just saw this and felt the need to share.  I don't have the embed code but do yourself a favor and click this link.  Aubry has about as much chance with Bret as I do with ScarJo.  But good for her for staying optimistic.  They do live in the city and all.

I Can't Wait for the Olympics

China is losing its shit right now because of this dude:

Why? Because he is single-handedly destroying the delicate social fabric that holds the country together with his unquenchable desire to take naked pictures of the cultural icons he bangs. Well played, sir. Well played indeed.

Read on for a SFW description of this guy's exploits.

UPDATE: Edison Chen is retiring...CNN with the report.

So it has come to this...

Ever want something so badly that it actually pains you?  That's how I felt about Lindsay Lohan's yabbos.  The yearning and the longing just to get a glance at those immaculate funbags was almost impossible to control.  There was the knowledge lurking in the darkest corners of my mind telling me that it was possible that I might die without getting what measly photo spread.  Today, I got what I have been waiting for, ever so patiently.  Today, Lindsay Lohan appeared topless on the Interwebs.  

The epicenter of this intense desire is easily traceable: Mean Girls.

This was the pinnacle of Lohan's hotness, the zenith of her jailbait epoch.  Since that era-defining performance, she has undergone a steady decline into Hilton-esque sluttiness and boasts a recent filmography so dreadful and obscure that it would make Tara Reid blush.  So coming off a string of poor decisions (3 different Italian dudes in one weekend and failing to nab Vincent Chase after lustfully throwing herself at him), it should come as no surprise that Lohan has released the hounds.  

But here is the thing: I don't really care anymore.  I've seen enough nip slips and roast beefy cooch shots from Lohan.  Yes, this is a nice departure from the paparazzi upskits and grainy party shots, but let's be honest here: this reeks of desperation.  We've now seen Lohan's final play of the cards.  It just kind of sucks when you're 22 and just used the final trick up your sleeve.

This all brings me back to my original point: this is something that I wanted so badly.  I'd stay up nights thinking about gazing upon Lohan's wondrous sweater cannons.  Now I have what I've always wanted and I couldn't care less.  Kind of ruins the moment.  

Damn you, Interwebs!  This was supposed to be my day!   

(Photo credit - TheSuperficial.com)

Friday Evening Clairvoyance: The Return

All right stop collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention - Vanilla Ice "Ice Ice Baby"

That's right ladies and germs, Ice, er...Fletch is back with a brand new edition of the Clairvoyance.  After a two week hiatus, your guide to the upcoming weekend is fully recharged and ready to blow your m'f'ing mind.  So strap on your short bus helmets and pile into the the back.

Liverpool vs Barnsley - The FA Cup, the most democratic of all competitions.  If the team is registered with the FA, then it's entered into the competition.  The beauty of that is you get teams like Barnsley playing at Liverpool with a chance to pull off the biggest win in their clubs history.  Makes for some fascination stuff.  Like anything involving Chris Berman when he doesn't think the camera is rolling.  (Big hat tip to Ampex 2000 for posting these and Deadspin.com for embedding them.  Now I'm just waiting for the Gary Miller World Cup promo trax to appear.)

Prediction - Liverpool put on an uninspired performance but manage a 2-0 win over a plucky Barnsley squad.

UConn vs South Florida - The Huskies are finally playing some inspired ball.  God, it's good to have them back.  I was worried there for a minute.  But then I remembered that Jim Calhoun is the best coach in college basketball.  Soon we will be reliving these moments again:

That brings me back.  Now excuse me while I jerk off to happier times.

Prediction - UConn 79-USF 67, or my name isn't Destiny Frankenstein.

Me vs Binge Fest 08 - I don't expect to win this one.  Here is a picture of where I expect to be at the end of the night.

Prediction - The gutter wins in a landslide.

Shameless Plug of Friend's Video

Trivia and Tuesday

The man, or woman for that matter, who came up with the idea to combine trivia and bars deserves a medal. Somewhere between the Nebula Award and the Nobel Peace Prize there lies an opening for the creator of trivia night at the local watering hole.

I do not claim to be a trivia expert. But I've had my fair share of success and accumulated a decent amount of Hooters Bucks, Bar Dollars or whatever currency the dive is handing out that night. So I think I'm at least somewhat qualified to offer the following bits of wisdom to make sure that your trivia experience is enjoyable as humanly possible:

1) The most imperative rule of trivia is that you have to come up with a great team name. Even if your team is a bunch of trivia retards, it can all be salvaged with a hilarious moniker. Remember this general guideline regarding the name - make it as offensive as possible without overstepping the boundaries of good taste. Some examples include: Unsanitary Napkin (my personal fav), I'm an Aborted Fetus, Donkey Punchers Anonymous. Really try to push the envelope. The truth is no one is going to remember who the winning team was; they are going to remember the team with the most outlandish name.

2) Team size is important. Your team shall consist of no fewer than three members but no greater than six participants. Anything less than three and it just doesn't feel right. Plus the team's- if you can even call it a team- ability to pull an answer out of its collective ass is greatly diminished by a lower turnout. On the other side of that coin, if seven people show up to play trivia, you must dispose of one. Kill one if necessary. With more people come more opinions and the possibility of incorrect answers. And nothing sucks worse than being overruled by a majority vote only to give the wrong answer when you had the right one all along. Maybe having a nail gun discharge into your scrotum is worse, but you get my point. Also with greater numbers, the table can get very crowded or people lose interest because they aren't able to participate as much as they would like. General bitching like that can completely undermine a team.

3) Make sure at least one member of the team is a female. Trust me, you aren't going to know who was on the cover of the first issue of Cosmo or how much Carrie paid for her Manolo Blahnik's (psst they're shoes) in Sex and the City. Those types of questions will come up when least expected and can make or break the contending teams.

4) Have one, and only one, person handle the writing and submitting duties. It just looks unprofessional if there are 4 different sets of handwriting on the submission form. If your handwriting resembles diarrhea run through a blender twice over, then don't ask to be the team scribe. Stop being such a selfish prick.

5) Keep food and drink orders simple. The team wants a round of drinks? Get a fucking pitcher. Each person does not need a personalized beer from their favorite European micro-brewery. The more complicated the order, the more chance there is of a fuck up by the wait staff. Then your attention gets drawn away from the contest as you bitch about how you ordered a Belgian wheat beer and not a Bavarian wheat beer. Stupid mistakes like not hearing all aspects of the question can occur and will come back to bite you in the ass later.

6) For the love of Christ, if you order wings, do not expect to handle the writing responsibilities. You greasy fuck. Just go in the corner, with your ranch, your celery and your wet-naps until you are all done. Handing in an answer sheet that is clear might be your window to weight gain (gratuitous Simpsons reference) but it is not the key to a high trivia score.

If I've left any glaring omissions off this list, please feel free to add some in the comment section. I'm still miles away from being all knowing when it comes to trivia, so suggestions are welcomed.

This is Awesome

From Peggy Noonan at the Wall Street Journal.

Compliments to Drudge Report for the link.

A Mouse and Other Thoughts

That's a mouse. Not the mouse that lives in the Fletchinator Dungeon of Sorrows, but a reasonable facsimile. I'm not pleased by its arrival or the tiny pieces of shit it leaves around the Dungeon. There are various traps set up and poised to strike, but none have succeeded in crushing this furtive bitch's spine, thus proving once and for all that mice really do have bones. Somewhere an old colleague of mine shakes his head in disbelief.

It is a hell of a thing to live in fear of a rodent 1/1ooth my size. I won't pretend like it doesn't bother me. It could be in the Dungeon's bedchamber right now, gnawing away at some tiny morsel of dropped food, ready to scurry off at the slightest hint of trouble. Show yourself mouse! Show some dignity and courage! If you surrender now, you will only face exile. Continue your dastardly crumb thievery and fecal vandalism and face the most horrid of terminations.

Enough about me. You didn't come here to read the nonsensical ramblings of a frightened adult male. You're here for chicks, beer, sports and video games and that is what I intend to give you. Just to prove that my head is in the right place, here's a zesty chick:

That's Sofia Vergara and I'm aroused.

On a completely unrelated note, here is a bunch of athletes I'd like to get drunk with:

Alexander Ovechkin - It's a known fact that hockey players love to party and I get the sense that Alexander the Great loves nothing more than downing a few brews and saddling up with some Russian biddies following a tough night on the ice.

Tiger Woods - But only if he pays for everything and brings this along:

John Elway - Drinks on me, John and don't be afraid to let loose. The best quarterback of all-time always drinks for free when I'm around. I'll make sure there are no meddling bartenders or law enforcement officers telling us that we've had enough.

Derek Jeter - I'll let Wikipedia explain: Jeter had a well publicized relationship with pop diva Mariah Carey from 1997 to 1998. Jeter also dated former Miss Universe Lara Dutta and actress Jordana Brewster. He is rumored to have dated actresses Scarlett Johansson, Gabrielle Union, and Jessica Alba...He has also dated Brazilian Supermodel Adriana Lima; with whom he did a commercial. Jeter also had an on-and-off relationship with television personality Vanessa Minnillo from late 2003 until early 2006. Most recently, Jeter had been linked to actress Jessica Biel.

Well played, sir. Well played indeed.

Adriano - Brazilian striker/media punching bag Adriano is okay in my book. The man just likes to get his drink on with exotic women. What's the crime in that. Leave him alone! He's a human being!

I'd include a basketball player, but I promised myself I would never mention basketball in this blog outside of the occasional UConn Huskies tidbit or the shittiness of the NBA. And boy, is it shitty. But not as shitty as this guy.

The Nightmare is Over

Last night was memorable for many reasons.  The most obvious being the Patriots choking away their chance at football immortality.  Now they are nothing more than one of the most pathetic footnotes in the annals of monumental failures.  I hate to bring back childhood cliches but "Cheaters never prosper" has never seemed so fitting.  Also, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" works.  Another one is "All sniveling, smug fuckface asshole Patriots fans will get their comeuppance in due time."

This is beyond schadenfreude.  To my knowledge there is no German word for the experience of last night.  And that is what makes this so unique.  The rallying call against the Patriots was unlike anything I'd ever seen as a sports fan.  This was worse than any Yankee hating or Duke bashing.  It was glorious.  The vitriol, the malevolence and the disdain of the American population towards the Pats was awe inspiring.  The nation has not been this united against one common enemy since the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor.  

It felt good to get behind a cause again.

What does that say about your franchise, Bob Kraft?  That your team is so reviled in its homeland that not even the possibility of seeing the near impossible happen (an undefeated season) can make fans root for your team.  I guess that's what happens when you stack your team full of human scuck (that's a combination of human scum and suck, if you're keeping track).  

In the end, the Pats accomplished as much as the Dolphins did this year. The Patriots did not accomplish their goal this season.  Therefore, the season must be deemed a failure. 31 teams were losers this year. The Patriots just happened to do it best.

If I can quickly add something to Big Daddy Drew's epic rant at KSK it's this: FUCK YOU Gisele for drinking a glass of red wine in the owner's box last night, you pompous Brazilian cuntsicle.

Changing gears here, Tuesday is Super Tuesday.  I like to keep this blog as immature as possible, but this is one issue besides chicks, beer, sports and video games that I feel strongly about.  Please go out and vote.  Please don't just vote for a name or a party.  Look at the various issues and platforms and make an informed decision.  

CBSVG formally endorses Barack Obama.

(Photo credit: Shepard Fairey, Obey)