Trivia and Tuesday

The man, or woman for that matter, who came up with the idea to combine trivia and bars deserves a medal. Somewhere between the Nebula Award and the Nobel Peace Prize there lies an opening for the creator of trivia night at the local watering hole.

I do not claim to be a trivia expert. But I've had my fair share of success and accumulated a decent amount of Hooters Bucks, Bar Dollars or whatever currency the dive is handing out that night. So I think I'm at least somewhat qualified to offer the following bits of wisdom to make sure that your trivia experience is enjoyable as humanly possible:

1) The most imperative rule of trivia is that you have to come up with a great team name. Even if your team is a bunch of trivia retards, it can all be salvaged with a hilarious moniker. Remember this general guideline regarding the name - make it as offensive as possible without overstepping the boundaries of good taste. Some examples include: Unsanitary Napkin (my personal fav), I'm an Aborted Fetus, Donkey Punchers Anonymous. Really try to push the envelope. The truth is no one is going to remember who the winning team was; they are going to remember the team with the most outlandish name.

2) Team size is important. Your team shall consist of no fewer than three members but no greater than six participants. Anything less than three and it just doesn't feel right. Plus the team's- if you can even call it a team- ability to pull an answer out of its collective ass is greatly diminished by a lower turnout. On the other side of that coin, if seven people show up to play trivia, you must dispose of one. Kill one if necessary. With more people come more opinions and the possibility of incorrect answers. And nothing sucks worse than being overruled by a majority vote only to give the wrong answer when you had the right one all along. Maybe having a nail gun discharge into your scrotum is worse, but you get my point. Also with greater numbers, the table can get very crowded or people lose interest because they aren't able to participate as much as they would like. General bitching like that can completely undermine a team.

3) Make sure at least one member of the team is a female. Trust me, you aren't going to know who was on the cover of the first issue of Cosmo or how much Carrie paid for her Manolo Blahnik's (psst they're shoes) in Sex and the City. Those types of questions will come up when least expected and can make or break the contending teams.

4) Have one, and only one, person handle the writing and submitting duties. It just looks unprofessional if there are 4 different sets of handwriting on the submission form. If your handwriting resembles diarrhea run through a blender twice over, then don't ask to be the team scribe. Stop being such a selfish prick.

5) Keep food and drink orders simple. The team wants a round of drinks? Get a fucking pitcher. Each person does not need a personalized beer from their favorite European micro-brewery. The more complicated the order, the more chance there is of a fuck up by the wait staff. Then your attention gets drawn away from the contest as you bitch about how you ordered a Belgian wheat beer and not a Bavarian wheat beer. Stupid mistakes like not hearing all aspects of the question can occur and will come back to bite you in the ass later.

6) For the love of Christ, if you order wings, do not expect to handle the writing responsibilities. You greasy fuck. Just go in the corner, with your ranch, your celery and your wet-naps until you are all done. Handing in an answer sheet that is clear might be your window to weight gain (gratuitous Simpsons reference) but it is not the key to a high trivia score.

If I've left any glaring omissions off this list, please feel free to add some in the comment section. I'm still miles away from being all knowing when it comes to trivia, so suggestions are welcomed.