Happy Holidays from Chicks, Beer, Sports and Video Games

It's that time of year again. The time when people have to pretend to be excited about seeing relatives; the time when unfortunate souls have to look loved ones in the eye after opening a package full of worthlessness and say "I love it." The travel, the last minute shopping, the organizing of family get-togethers...it all adds up. And here you are, looking for something to take your mind off of the December hell that you life has quickly become. Sorry, I'm not sure how to break this to you, but, it's a solo flight for the next couple of weeks. Maintaining a modicum of sanity will be difficult, but with determination and a strong will, you will survive without my incoherent ramblings and nonsensical observations.

In all seriousness- because being serious is what this blog is all about- have a great holiday season. Get wasted, hook up with randomers, play new video games and watch sports like it's going out of style. Because from what I've gleaned from studying old people, it eventually does go out of style. Try not to let that get you down too much.

Enjoy the holidays, everyone.

The Remember Laughter Register Re-post

My two loyal readers are always telling me that I should post my fantasy football e-newsletter up on CBSVG. Because I have nothing else for today, why not? Please keep in mind that this is a family publication and does not feature kid-unfriendly language like "cock" or "yabbos." Or any pictures of hot chicks. That feature has yet to be introduced. All scoring and player valuation comes from the PremierLeague.com fantasy game. Please disregard all spelling and grammatical errors. I'm lazy.

The Remember Laughter Register

Volume XV, 12/19/08

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas! That’s a theme that has ongoing in the Register for the past couple of weeks, but it cannot be stressed enough. Now is the time that teams often make a move in the standings and the same opportunity is there for every fantasy owner, as well. Teams will be playing as many as four games between now and the first weekend of January. Expect changes at the top and bottom of the league. Well, maybe not at the bottom. West Brom sort of has that spot locked up for the time being. Be bold. Use that wildcard if it is still available. Optimize lineups and pay attention to who is playing and who is out. EPL managers will be busy spending this holiday season strategizing the best way to make the most out of this condensed schedule. Wise fantasy owners would do the same. So put down that egg nog, throw away the Xmas cards and forget to tip the mailman. There are more important things at stake here.


Star of the Week – Antonio Valencia, Wigan Athletic

It was quite a week for Steve Bruce’s highly sought after midfielder. Arguably Wigan’s best player this season, Valencia drove the final nails into Paul Ince’s managerial career at Blackburn with an inspired display during his team’s 3-0 victory. He had a part in each of the goals, tallying two assists and bagging one goal and also picked up clean sheet and bonus points. All told, Valencia was the top point getter in fantasy last week and has been rock solid all season. Wigan owes a lot to the midfielder and will be wise to hold off the advances of bigger clubs looking to secure his services.

Honorable mention: Steven Gerrard, Heurelho Gomes, Gabriel Agbonlahor


Scalawag of the Week – Paul Ince, Blackburn Rovers

No doubt that heads are bowed in solemn morning for the passing of one of the most inept managers in the Prem. Perhaps that is unfair to Ince, but recent form indicates that he struggled mightily to handle the pressures of the top flight. A winless run that reached double digits ultimately doomed Ince, but one could argue that given a team stripped of its most influential player (David Bentley) and one of the best keepers in the league (Brad Friedel), he never really had a chance. Things are pretty bleak right now for the Lancashire club and the winter months will prove to be even crueler unless Sam Allardyce can make an immediate impact for a team teetering on the edge of the relegation point of no return.

Dishonorable mention: Kevin Davies, Dmitar Berbatov, Tony Adams


Through the Looking Glass – Next Week’s Fixtures (Deadline to make transfers is 20 December 6:30am EST)

Blackburn v Stoke City
Bolton v Portsmouth
Fulham v Middlesbrough
Hull City v Sunderland
West Ham v Aston Villa
West Brom v Man City
Newcastle v Tottenham
Arsenal v Liverpool
Everton v Chelsea


Keep an Eye On – Nemanja Vidic, Manchester United, $7.1 million

A poor man’s John Terry, Vidic is a towering presence in both boxes. Guaranteed a start no matter what the circumstance, Vidic racks up clean sheets like a street sweeper cleaning up a dirty New York City road. Much to the delight of owners around the world, the big man will also bulge the old onion bag a handful of times throughout the season, either from corners or other set pieces. Essentially you are getting the exact same player as Terry, at about $.5m less, without the crying and missing crucial penalty kicks. There’s no downside here, really.


Under the Radar – Antonio Valencia, Wigan Athletic, $6.1 million

Star of the week gets the nod for Under the Radar. Even without Amr Zaki, Wigan maintained its mid-table position thanks in large part to Valencia. Expect a big rise in value for Valencia in the coming weeks. Expect more points from Valencia in the coming weeks. Expect teams like Liverpool and Manchester United to inquire about how much Valencia costs in coming weeks. Much like Charles’s Law, as Valencia’s renown continues to increase around the league, expect the price to keep rising in fantasy football.


Link-o-the-Week

Bored at work? Worry not, friend. Take this footballer’s quiz and see if you can correctly guess who has the horrifying hair: http://quizible.com/quiz/football-haircuts/540

I am the Smartest Man In the World. Challenge Me!

Ran across this little ditty today and I'll pass it along since you must be bored given that you came to this site.

Test your geography knowledge.

When you fail to beat my impressive score take solace in the fact that back in elementary score I was a perennial contender for selection into the National Geography Bee. Falling short of the ultimate goal of world geography domination, I'll have to get by knowing that my Traveler IQ score is likely never to be bested. Go ahead and try. Loser.

Here's my high score. It's something to strive for, but don't even think of beating it.

This Traveler IQ was calculated on Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 01:41AM GMT by comparing this person's geographical knowledge against the Web's Original Travel diary's 3,434,546 travelers who've taken the challenge.

Netflix Now: The Machine Girl

The Netflix Now post is a new feature that I'd like to introduce to CBSVG for when I can't come up with something more interesting to write about. The premise is simple: suggest a movie that incorporates one of the four tenets of this blog and write a brief review of it without paying any attention to important things like plot, directing or any of that mis en scene bullshit that I learned about in college. After reading the review, decide for yourself if it's worth a Netflix rental. If you disagree with my judgement of the film, you will be assassinated. This is a tyrannical blog.

First up in the Netflix Now queue: The Machine Girl

Just take a look at the poster for this movie:

and try to tell me that isn't awesome. I defy you to. Go ahead, I'll wait.

It's a hot Japanese college student, in a school girl outfit no less, with a mother fucking machine gun for an arm. It took every bit of my strength not to write that previous sentence in all caps with about 14 billion explanation points.

In this movie, the following things will happen:

• A person will be skinned alive by bullets
• An arm will be deep fried and turned into human tempura
• The most powerful ninja stars in existence will be thrown
• There is a drill bra
• A hot Asian chick will try to get revenge on the yakuza with a machine gun for an arm.
  
• The Fletchinator will pop a boner and beat off to said hot Asian chick

If that isn't enough to whet your appetite, then you are one of two things: a pussy or a girl. If you are the former, then watch this movie anyway and your pussy bitch status will be revoked for a period of 3 weeks. Think of it as a probationary period. If you are the former, then please leave the site and read something from Oprah's Book Club.

Without giving too much away, this is by far the bloodiest movie I've ever seen (a list that includes Saving Private Ryan, Ichi the Killer and various blood letting snuff films that I found under my parents' bed). But it manages to never take itself to seriously and reminds me of a collection of live action Mortal Kombat fatalities played for 96 straight minutes more than anything else. There's humor, gore and hot chicks abound in The Machine Girl. The only downside is that there is no nudity here but I can let it side here because there is such an excess of everything else.

Here's the trailer:


Those who have also seen it, please leave your impressions in the comments. Or don't. I'm just trying to help here.

Breaking Up Is Never Easy

Dear Pro Evolution Soccer 2009,
This is something that I hoped you and I could avoid but now, looking back, I see the path to heartbreak was simply inevitable. Let me preface the proceeding letter by letting you know that I will always cherish the time we spent together and a part of my heart will always beat to the PES tune. This is neither fun nor easy for me, but it is something I have to do. I have to walk away from you. I'm sorry Pro Evo but we are through.

Please, don't say anything or try to win me back. Just pack your bags and leave. It's harsh, I know, but it's what I need right now and you stopped caring about my needs a long time ago. You can't sway my decisions by bringing up the impeccable gameplay that you used to offer or the attention to real life soccer physics that made me fall in love with you in the first place, so many years ago. We've been through a lot, you and I, and I thank you for everything you've given me, but surely you must know that I wasn't going to put up with your refusal to change forever. Maybe we were both being naive: you thinking that I'd stick around even with your outdated graphics, lack of official licensing and mediocre online play and me thinking that next year would be different. It's best if we both agree that mistakes were made and move on with our lives.

The truth is I was willing to put up with your shortcomings when you were a superior title. It was easy to look past them when you gave me the best. But you're no longer the best. That's a tough pill to swallow. You're like an attractive girl who doesn't give head. Well, guess what, I've found someone hotter and continuing the simile from the previous sentence, the game gives amazing blodia. I'm not shallow, I just have high expectations that you were no longer able to meet.

I think you know who I'm playing now. It's Fifa. That must sting your pride given how I swore to stay loyal to you. In the past I would have been the first one to defend your honor; now it's near impossible to see you favorably in comparison. This shouldn't come as a surprise and, in fact, has been coming for some time. I'm just one of the last ones out the door.

So, where does that leave us going forward? Come talk to me again when you figure things out for yourself. I'm happy now and I expect you to respect that. Maybe this is the wake up call you need to get back to doing what you do best: bringing gamers the best goddamn soccer title out there. To see you land back on your feet would give me great pleasure and should you turn things around maybe I can see you again. As friends. You broke my heart, Pro Evo, and that wound is going to take a long time to heal.

I'm leaving now. Like I said, don't follow me. Let's make a clean break of it. I thank you for the hours of enjoyment you provided me. Good luck and good bye, old friend.

Best wishes,
The Fletchinator