Euro 2008 Quad Preview - Part 2

No need for any flowery intros here, time to get to Group B.

Austria - Go home, Austria! You're not welcome here! That must be what English and Scottish fans must be shouting while they destroy property back in their homelands. Austria, most likely the worst team ever to appear in a Euro tournament, were saved the humiliation of not qualifying for the event because as one of the host nations, they get an automatic bid. Which might not be a good thing. Austrian citizens are so terrified that their team is going to disgrace the country that petitions were signed to have them removed from the competition. Here is that groups motto: It cannot be denied: the performance of the Austrian team is an insult to your sense of aesthetics as well as to what you expect from this sport. Their participating in Euro 2008 is to you a contradiction in itself. Unmercifully, those shouts for leniency were not heard and the team must play three games and hope to not get completely destroyed.

To put it kindly, this team sucks llama balls. They are undoubtedly one of the worst teams on the European continent and have a roster that would struggle to a second rate American team. Step up, Darien Dogs. Let's see what you got. Take down Austria and immortality is yours. This team has no shot of the 2nd round and will be lucky if they clip a draw along the way. I'd like to consider myself somewhat of a knowledgeable soccer follower and I've heard of 3 players on this team: Pogatetz, Manninger and Macho. I know the first two from their time in England and the third because Macho is an awesome last name. At least the team won't have a long trip back to their families after being eliminated.

Player to Watch - Ummm, not even going to bother...Here is everything you need to know: a video featuring Austria losing to international superpower Canada in 2006.

Hot Chick - What Austria lacks in soccer quality, they make up for it in attractive women, evidenced below by the lovely Silvia Hackl.


Croatia - Try walking into an English pub this summer wearing an Croatia jersey, you know the really ugly red and white checkered one, and see what happens. You will be lucky to escape with four limbs still attached to your torso. The demise of the English team cannot be placed solely on the shoulders of the Croats, but if fans of the Three Lions want to take their frustration out on someone besides their own players, it probably would be directed at Croatia. No worries, though. Croatia would gladly absorb some British abuse and still be in Euro 2008 than the other way around, because as Croats, they are used to taking a shit load of abuse. I have no evidence to back up that claim, but it just seems to be a fitting description.

The big question for the team heading into the competition is how much they will miss Brazilian expat Eduardo, the team's leading scorer in qualification. His 10 goals helped paved the way for British misery this summer, but in a display of righteous karma, he also will be in misery as he watches his compatriots do battle without him, thanks to a horrific leg break earlier in the spring. Those are the breaks (pun intended), kiddo.

With a solid defense and an experienced midfield, Croatia should pip Poland for the runners up spot in the group. The Kovac brothers are back for another tourney and Nico Kranjcar will infuse the team with much needed flair. The one player destined to draw a lot of attention is Luca Modric. After having his bags packed for Newcastle, plans changed last minute and he ended up signing with Tottenham, almost to his own disbelief. Something shady happened here that hasn't been brought to light yet, I reckon. A big money transfer is always going to attract eyeballs and Modric should be prepared to put on a show.

Player to Watch - Luca Modric. See above paragraph for the details.

Hot Chick - As you can probably tell by her underwear, this is Nina Moric, and with apologies to Slobodan Milosevic, the hottest things to come out of Croatia, ever.


Germany - The clear cut favorite to win the group and one of the handful of teams to have the ability to take the championships, it's old hat from the Germans this year. Basically this is the same team that finished third in the last World Cup. I see no reason why they can't do as well this time around. Covering Germany's ruthless efficiency is just getting boring. They are fucking good every year. I'm starting to think that they are a team of robots sent back in time to belittle other countries soccer accomplishments.

Their roster reads like a who's who of big time players who shine on the biggest stages. Perhaps you're familiar with Michael Ballack? Does the name Miroslav Klose ring a bell? Oh don't forget about Lukas Podolski and Philip Lahm. Damn this team is stacked. Even with Crazy Jens in goal, this team should cruise, like a finely tuned BMW, into the later stages of the tourney. I'd love to see Crazy Jens lose his shit at some point and with the new balls causing quite a stir, there's a 50% chance of that happening. Good times on the horizon.

Player to Watch - If you haven't heard of Mario Gomez before the tourney, I guarantee you will know who he is after. Observe:

Hot Chick - To go along with a powerhouse team, we need a powerhouse hot chick. Gentleman, behold: Heidi Klum.

Poland - What is it with these Eastern European teams? I don't know any of the players or even know how to pronounce their names. Ugh. It's frustrating. And I sure as flaming heck don't like spelling Wawrzyniak over and over again. Any country that runs a picture of a decapitated Michael Ballack in one of its newspapers is okay in my book. As a big proponent of freedom of the press, I commend you, Poland. As your reward, I won't throw out a hackneyed "dumb Pollock" joke. You can thank me later with the finest meats and cheeses from your land.

This team is only going to go as far as Artur Boruc carries them. The Celtic keeper is one of the better keepers in Europe, even if he isn't well known out of Poland and Scotland. I will give him his due. As for the outfield players, to be honest, your guess is as good as mine. I don't think they can beat Croatia, so I think it will be difficult for them to advance. But stranger things have happened, like the time I had a dream about shooting Danny DeVito in the face with a shotgun. That was a tough image to shake.

Player to Watch - Seeing as how I'm only familiar with the team's goalies and maybe one or two other players, let's go with one of the goalies. Step up, Mr. Boruc.

Hot Chick - Joanna Krupa fits the bill quite nicely.

Group A kicks off on Saturday, so enjoy the tournament everybody. The Group C preview should follow the first day's action.