Euro 2008 Quad Preview - Part 3

Here's the Group C preview, aka "The Group of Death" or as I like to call it "The Group of Death." This group is so stacked that the totem pole I keep in the Fletchinator Dungeon of Sorrows is starting to feel inadequate.

France - The World Cup runners up will get a chance for revenge in this group as they square off against Italy in the final group match. But to make sure that game means something, they are must navigate two difficult tests in Romania and Holland. Can they do it? They certainly have the players to make it happen. But their headbutting catalyst of previous tournaments, Zinedane Zidane, is off tanning his bald spot in the French Riviera, while Les Bleus toil in Switztria (combination of Switzerland and Austria). Samir Nasri has been heralded as the next coming of Zizou, but I'm not sure he is ready to step up to the challenge. If he isn't ready to carry the torch, then the French could be in trouble. My gut is telling me that they aren't getting out of the group stages. My gut is huge. I like to listen to it.

Forget everything you know about Thierry Henry and Nicolas Anelka, this tournament belongs to Karim Benzema. The striking starlet is ready to blow up on the world stage, even if the team falters behind him. My prediction is he scores four goals in the group stages, then enters in protracted transfer talks with all the big clubs in Europe and starts nailing an unbelievably hot chick. Not bad for someone who wouldn't be able to purchase alcohol in the United States.

Player to Watch - You guessed it: Benzema. All hail the new king!

Hot Chick - Jennifer Lamiraqui makes me feel kind of funny...like when I smothered that hooker with a pillow.




Italy - The World Champs look to add another major tournament to their trophy case and gosh darn, they have a good shot of getting it done. Even without Nesta and Cannavaro they are just so f'ing solid up the middle. Buffon, Pirlo, De Rossi, Gattuso. The spine of this team is as strong as a g'd steel beam. It should be no great surprise that this is one of the pre-tourney favorites. Annoying, yes, but an undeniable fact. Just be patient; soon enough, Italian soccer will be so rife with corruption and scandal that there will be no national team and some other countries will get a chance to win something once in a while.

The only thing stopping the Italians is the group they play in. If they fail to beat the Dutch in the first game, it could be a quick tourney for the Azzuri. Which would mean that the taxi driver in Montreal who gave me a ride the other day would be extremely disappointed. That talkative m'fer would not leave me alone. So out of spite, I'm rooting openly against the Italians. Ha. Little do they realize how powerful an enemy I can be. My list of influential contacts stretches from one side of the European continent to the next. Ignore me and risk complete and utter annihilation.

Player to Watch - Depending on how the team lines up, Antonio Cassano might not get a lot of playing time this tournament. Which is a shame because as good as he is at soccer, the dude is certifiably bat shit crazy. To wit:

Hot Chick - Sadly, Francesco Totti will not be playing for the Azzuri. But that doesn't mean we can't ogle his wife. Do yourself a favor and search for Ilary Blasi with the Google safe filter off. Good times.


The Netherlands - The Netherlands, or Holland (if you swing that way), have a lot of things going for them. First and foremost, the teams uniforms are always undoubtedly sick. I'm sure this year will be no different. Secondly, the country's name can be used for some clever wordplay around the phrase "Nether regions." Always a good time right there. Finally, they have a pretty sick team to boot.

For some reason, I see this team doing some damage in the tourney. The are understandably behind Italy and France in the prognosticators picks to get out of the group, but I think they are going to shock some people, most importantly the French. Every game in this group is vital and I like the Dutch character. I have no evidence to back that up, but I've got that feeling that this team is going to go places. If only I could express that in a montage. Then people would understand what I was talking about.

With Robben, Sneijder and Van der Vaart, the Netherlands probably possess the most gifted midfield in the competition. Whether or not they can all handle playing at once remains to be seen, but expect fireworks if this troika can put it together on the pitch. If Van Persie's vagina mends in time for the group stages, then expect to see this team in the final eight.

Player to Watch - There so many skilled players here its tough to pick out one PtW. So how about we watch a death match montage between Sneijder and Van der Vaart.

Hot Chick - MTV Europe personality and wife of Rafael Van der Vaart, Sylvie VdV.

Romania - It's the first major tourney for the Romanians since 2000, so it's been a while since they've been in the spotlight. One of the byproducts of that relative anonymity is that outside of their biggest stars, no one really knows what to expect. Being saddled in the group of death has not done them any favors. It's going to be a huge challenge for them to advance and most would predict that it is three and out for the Romanians. I'm one of those people in that camp. Come sit by the campfire and I'll spin you a yarn.

The big gun for Romania, Adrian Mutu, is probably best known for his suspension from the game for six months after testing positive for cocaine. The reason Mutu gave for dusting his nose: it helped ease his sexual inadequacies. Hmm. Pretty embarrassing stuff right there. Maybe want to lay off the blow, Adrian, just in case you get busted and have to admit why you're are sniffing nose sugar. Of course, it signaled the end of his Chelsea career. But he landed on his feet back in Italy and has been lighting it up at Fiorentina (v2). Romania's chances lie with Mutu. Even his best efforts probably won't be enough for the team to navigate out of the Group of Death's rough waters.

Player to Watch - Since the last paragraph was entirely about Mutu, he should probably be Romania's PtW.

Hot Chick - Holy shit, Alina Vacariu is smoldering. We need to set up a Hot Chick best of the best at the end of the tourney.