Fantasy Football Draft Highlights or: How I Threw Away $40...Again

I despise fantasy football. I think it's a complete waste of time. Yet, every year, I get suckered into tossing down a decent amount of money on a team that has no chance of winning anything. Why? Great question. I guess it's just my generous nature. Lining the pockets of good friends is what I was put on this earth to do. My confidence heading into the season is a rickety as a moist house of cards supporting Oprah after a trip to the Cheesecake Factory.

Instead of boring you with insipid details of my shitty ass team, here are some highlights from the stimulating draft that took place tonight at 11pm EST. Here's the cast of characters and draft order:

1) Jess-UGA - Unoriginal name award + bonus points for auto-picking...let's wrap this thing up by midnight people
2) Ralph Wiggum - Not the Simpsons character, in case you were curious
3) Dr. Shocker - Hopefully will figure out how to use the draft center without sabotaging his team
4) Team Nightmare - Most likely to throw something across the room after draft target is taken with the pick right before him
5) Rippling Cunt Lips - Best team in the fucking Universe!
6) Three Toed Sloth - Nothing interesting to say about this team, sorry
7) Bumblebee tuna - I was hoping we could get Team Gramblor, but I'll accept this name
8) Team Big Time - Defending champ, would like nothing more to see this team miss the playoffs
9) Ugly on the Inside - Only slightly insufferable Steelers fan
10) The Cleveland Browns - Last and most certainly least, I just call it like I see it

I'll be updating in real time, so apologies for any typos. Let's get this bitch started.

Pre-Draft banter: Is focused squarely on Soulcalibur IV. How do we ever get laid?

11:00pm - 1st round, 1st pick - Jess-UGA auto-picks LT. Well done, artificial intelligence. You've come a long way since the Apple IIGS.

11:02pm - 1st round, 5th pick - RCL (Rippling Cunt Lips) goes with Marion Barber. Fantastic pick. Shockingly, Dr Shocker took injured Tom Brady with the 3rd overall pick. Living up to his namesake.

11:03pm: Rusty trombone is thrown out for the first time. I hope it's not the last.

11:06pm: 2nd round, 15th pick - TO falls into my lap. How 'bout them Cowboys? Week 10 is going to be tough for the RCL. Hopefully by then I'll be 9-0. If Tony Romo goes down this year, I'm fucked.

11:08: Not as much smack talk as I'd like. I blame that on the fact that I'm sober.

11:09: I'm making one of the cardinal sins of fantasy football. Going with wide receivers over RBs in the 2nd and 3rd rounds. This is not going well. I'm an idiot.

11:10: 3 QBs taken in a row. Hmmm. I'm noticing a trend here.

11:12: Thinking of taking Edgerrin James. Hopefully, he is still available. He is!! I probably shouldn't be too excited about that. That's the state of the union though.

11:15: Another fantasy sin: taking a player from your favorite team too early. And I'm going with Jay Cutler. Probably a bad idea, but whatever, I won one game last year. I can't do that badly again, can I?

11:16: I'm catching flack for the Cutler pick and deservedly so. But whatever, at least he doesn't have a debilitating genetic disease that requires constant monitoring and insulin shots to maintain life functions. Also, I've given up on writing down the round and the pick number. Too much work for a blog that only 4 people read.

11:19: Cleveland Browns just logged into the draft. Looking at his team, it's already better than mine. I should have just auto drafted.

11:21: First "I had no idea" pick of the night: Three Toed Sloths taking Kevin Curtis. You can tell that a lot of research went into this draft.

11:25: Just talked myself out of picking Greg Jennings and going with Roddy White instead. And you wonder why I know that I'm throwing away 40 bucks.

11:28: So glad that it's a long weekend coming up. And I just got Greg Jennings with my next pick. Hot dang! The gods have smiled upon me this day.

11:32: Unrelated note: Stanford has a white running back. Why am I not surprised? What is surprising is that he is ripping up shit. Oh god, my pick. And I need a QB. Jeff Garcia feels right. And so does my junk when I look at his wife. Hello! Whammo!

11:36: Lendale White must have the plague. Either that or went on an In-and-Out binge during the offseason that only the people in my league are aware of because no one is going near him.

11:39: Into the 10th round, picks are slowing down. I'm getting groggy. Shouldn't have had that warm panda's milk before the draft. Ricky Williams was just drafted. That would have been newsworthy if this was 2003.

11:43: From now on, strickly going with best available player for the rest of my picks. Time to shut the ole brain down. You served me well tonight, my gray mushy friend. I will try my best not to completely kill you with booze this weekend.

11:48: I now have both backs in the Cowboys backfield. Watching Hard Knocks has convinced me that this is the best team in the universe right now. Somehow this will come back to bite me in my pimply ass.

11:53: This is starting to drag.

11:56: QB or another RB? I'm leaning towards RB, but probably should go with a QB. Fuck it. I'm drafting Mike Vick again. Take that Department of Corrections.

12:02: We're past the witching hour and a kicker was just drafted. I think my fairy godmother just crapped herself.

12:05: Might be time just to go to sleep. Chad Pennington is on my fantasy team. A 20 year old used condom is more durable than Pennington. And just like a 20 year old used condom, I'm going to have major regrets with Chad the morning after.

12:10: Barely sitting up straight right now. Sleeping on the couch sounds like an amazing idea right now.

12:15: Apparently a guy by the name of JT O'Sullivan is the starting QB for the 49ers. Could have fooled me. I thought that was the name of the Irish pub in the 7th circle of Hell. Last pick coming up. It's about damn time.

Finally, it's over. Hope that this is the last time you have to suffer through a live draft.

That Should Just About Wrap Things Up

As I write this, the Yankees are on their way to officially ending their season. Sure, there are maybe 30 or so games left on the docket, but for all intents and purposes (or as I like to say: intensive purposes) tonight's 7-3 loss against the Red Sox finally drives the last rusty, tetanus laden spike through the Bronx Bombers coffin. The playoff run is coming to an end, this from one of the great eternal/internal optimists the world has ever seen. But now, as summer slowly ebbs into autumn, there is only one logical conclusion. The Yankees have as much business in the playoffs as I have being at an 18-year old girl's slumber party. No matter how badly I want either scenario to happen, it just isn't happening.

This is a feeling I've not felt in my mature life. Half of my time spent on this planet has been in a world where the Yankees make the playoffs every season. That chapter of my life came to an end tonight, just like the crack dealing and busing in illegal immigrant eras before it. Am I disappointed? You bet, but this is also something that shouldn't be a huge shock for anyone who has spent significant time watching the Yankees this year. The team never was healthy and regularly failed to come through with important plays during key times. It's that simple. Starting catcher goes down on any team in the league and there are going to be problems. Same with a number one starter. Add to that flirting with disaster recipe career worst years by your second baseman/centerfielder/shortstop and it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Now, I focus my attention to my other teams: Liverpool and my tragically under appreciated Denver Broncos, to whom I must apologize for slighting terribly this past offseason. The next week will be spent brushing up on depth charts, player analysis and blogs as I prepare for the run to our third Super Bowl title.

Fuck it, who am I kidding? I'd take a wild card birth right now. I guess this is what life is like with the glass half empty all the time. Great. The next 124 years of my life should be awesome.

Soulcalibur IV is Sort of Ridiculous

And by ridiculous, I mean awesome. Need proof? You need only to scroll down the page.






God bless the Japanese perverts who developed this game.

The Big 4

It's time to announce the order of the top four teams for the upcoming Premier League season. I used up all my good intro writing in the previous posts, so I'm just going to throw out the names of the teams and see what happens.

4. Arsenal - They have the best coach in the league and a roster full of young stars, but I still get the sense like this team is going to falter down the stretch again. I have a feeling the team will miss underrated holding midfielder Mathieu Flamini more than people realize. I see a lot of style here, but not enough substance and steel to muster a title challenge. In a year or two, if the team sticks together, this could be the top squad in the league. They just aren't there right now.

3. Manchester United - God I hope this happens. Ronaldo won't be back until October at the earliest. The hope is that they drop enough points between the beginning of the season to when their key player returns to ultimately derail their campaign before it really gets off the ground. With players like Rooney, Tevez, Scholes, Giggs, Ferdinand, etc, etc, filling in for the douche Ronaldo it probably won't even disrupt the defending champs. But a man can dream can't he?

2. Liverpool - Look, even I need to be realistic. Liverpool is not winning the league this year. They might never win it again. All I want is a title challenge; to not be out of it in February. It would be great to post home wins over Arsenal, Man U and Chelsea this season. My ample gut is telling me that this is the year that Liverpool gets close. Not close enough, but close enough to make it interesting. With Robbie Keane joining Nando "The Boner Machine" Torres, the goals should come. As long as the generally sturdy Liverpool back line can maintain its parsimonious conceding ways, I don't see why the Reds can't pressue the eventual winners all the way to the final whistle. Which leads me to the newly crowded kings...

1. Chelsea - Another purchased title will make its way to Stamford Bridge this year. What can you say besides "Congrats, you have the richest owner in the league and he doesn't mind throwing away millions upon millions of pounds to fund a winning team?" That's not easy to compete against. So it doesn't bother me to anoint Chelsea the Premier League champions of 08/09. It just makes me bitter and want to throw things. Damn, I was really hoping that writing this wouldn't piss me off, but I failed miserably. Oh well.

Enjoy the season, everyone. Except Man U and Chelsea fans. You can rot in hell.

Decent Prem Preview - Part II

Time to get back at it. Ten teams left. Will you're team be the number one squad for the upcoming season? Either scroll down for an immediate answer to that burning question or join me for the scenic route through the jungle of top half teams. I promised no WAGs, but to whet your appetite I couldn't resist a gratuitous picture to get the ball rolling. Behold, Danielle Lloyd, former slampig of Marcus Bent (huh?) and Teddy Sheringham.


I will now kick my own ass for choosing beer and video games over professional soccer. Onto the countdown.

Smelling Europe

10. Manchester City - The boys from the blue side of Manchester might have been a few spots higher if not for the ongoing controversy that follows owner Thaksin Shinawatra. One day he is having his assets frozen, the next he is skipping out on bail in his native Thailand. Everyone agrees that this is one sketchy dude. A year after buying the team there are already whispers that he is looking to sell. Quite a fine mess that Mark Hughes walked into. Oh by the way, Man City just lost at home in the first leg of a UEFA Cup tie to a team from Denmark that not only have I never heard of, but couldn't spell and pronounce even after I looked at the name for ten minutes. Not a great start to the season.

It can't all be bad for the Blues if they are ranked in the top 10, even if it is at the shitty end of the list. The reason for that is Mark Hughes. The guy is a good coach and knows how to get the most out of his players. He will put out a scrappy bunch of ankle biters that will make life miserable for the pretty boys of the league. Also, they spend upwards of $20 million pounds on a Brazilian forward who was plying his trade in Russia before move to the Prem. Sounds like a smart investment. Unproven Brazilians tend to excel in the Prem. Just look at...um...hmm...okay, you get my point. At least they didn't end up having to pay Ronaldinho a quarter of a million pounds a month.

9. Newcastle United - Sorry Mighty B, I just couldn't put it off any longer. I love the attacking verve that King Kevin Keegan has brought in his return to St. James Park, but the team still sucks at the back. Yes, the addition of Coloccini will help tighten up the rear (/chuckles) but when your back four is as gaping as Tera Patrick's anus after a session with Lexington Steele, one addition is not going to make that big a difference.

If Michael Owen, Oba Martins and Mark Viduka all stay healthy (huuuuuge if), the three pronged attack will cause problems for any team in the league. Too bad the team has no midfield fire power to take advantage of the exposed holes in the final third. A rampaging attacking midfielder with sublime distribution abilities is just what this team needs. Shame that the Luka Modric deal never came together. He really would have held the room, er, team together. All told, this year will be an improvement from last, but the Magpies aren't Euro-material yet. Looks like another Milk Cup for your squad, Mighty B.

8. Everton - Hey Everton! Yeah, that's right, you! So, uh, do you maybe want to improve your team this offseason? You know, maybe not rest completely on your laurels and try to strenghthen a squad that finished fifth. No, not interested? Okay, sounds good. See you in eighth this year.

Apparently, the Toffees are subscribing to the addition by subtraction ethos this year. The outfit from Goodison Park did not make one substantial transfer during the offseaon and lost key contributors Andy Johnson and Manuel Fernandes. How anyone can say that they will be able to repeat last year's success is beyond me. In fact, I would argue that anyone making that claim is retarded. Boycott that, you daffy mother bitches.

Posititioning at the Teat of Glory

7. Tottenham - This could change if Berbatov leaves the club after this blog post goes live, so please keep that in mind before castrating me for putting them too high. As it stands, the north London squad made a deuce-load of moves during the transfer window. I can't even count the amount of moves this team made in the past three months. And that is using all my fingers and toes. Probably makes sense to just leave it at "the team is completely different than the one that ended the season."

New boys Luka Modric and David Bentley will spearhead a midfield with more flair than a tranny vacationing in Rio de Janeiro during Carnival. Good times ahead for Spurs fans. So the question remains, will the completely different team be any better than the one that finished 11th last year. If you had any common sense, you could conclude from their ranking in this countdown that I believe that they will in fact improve in 08/09. Way to go, poindexter.

6. Portsmouth - Happy Time Harry Redknapp has done a fantastic job building a winner on the south coast. The reigning FA Cup champs will have a hard time replicating that feat, but with the addition of a proven goal scorer in Peter Crouch to partner Jermain Defoe, I sense that the team's league form will improve. With any luck, a higher position in the table will lead to the recruitment of more attractive fans. They could use them. Pompey's supporters were just named the ugliest in all the Prem. Judge for yourself:

Okay, great. I'm going to have nightmares tonight.

5. Aston Villa - Just missing out on the coveted top four are the Villans. But supporters of the high flying squad from England's second city shouldn't be too concerned; with an offensive zeal virtually unmatched by anyone outside of the big quartet at the top of the league, Aston Villa should continue to delight supporters and neutrals alike. Of course, this could also be accomplished by offering free beer to fans, but until hooliganism is curtailed, offensive zeal will have to do.

The team was able to hold on to captain and midfield lynchpin Gareth Barry, or as I like to call him, Gare Bare (it rhymes!), after he publically stated that he wanted to leave the team. Whether or not the fans accept him is one thing, but on the field, his teammates will certainly appreciate his contributions. Look for Ashley Young to continue to terrorize defenses with this speed, vision and homemade jerk-off videos. Bottom line: it's a good time to be a Villan supporter.

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Coming on Friday...the BIG FOUR! You know who they are, but do you know how they will finish? Neither do I. But it will be fun making poop jokes and pretending that I do.

FYI - Water fountains are for humans

Apparently this is not common knowledge. Just a heads up to New Yorkers with dogs: if I ever see you hoist your dog up to a water fountain and unleash the stream of water as your dog slobbers it up, I'm going to throw a fucking shuriken in your throat. It's bad enough that homeless people use the fountains, but to have a dog slathering saliva on the spout with its tongue, that by the way could have been licking its own asshole not two seconds before, is something I will not stand for. I will seriously take out a ninja star, and launch it directly at your jugular, then scamper away as the blood fountain gushes from the gaping puncture wound. I'd love to show you an example, but I can't seem to find a Samurai Shodown II blood fountain video on YouTube.

Decent Prem Preview - Part 1

This weekend marks the dawning of a new Premier League season in England. Thank Christ. It's about damn time. It's been three months since I've last laid eyes on the cherry red beauty that is the Liverpool home kit and my loins have been itching to start popping Nando boners again. But before discussing the top teams, its important to start at the bottom feeding relegation scum that will soon become the punching bags of every other team in the league and then work up from there.

While I won't go as far as calling this the "Ultimate Prem Preview" it should turn out to be fairly decent in the end. No gimmicks and no WAGs (try to hide your disappointment). Just a moderately comprehensive (read: one to two paragraph) look at how the teams will finish 20 through 1. At the very least, I know that the Mighty B will appreciate it. And as an added bonus, come the end of the season, if every one of my predictions is wrong, I'll solicit Amy Winehouse for sex, which, in my estimation, is a fate worse than death.

Like a game of soccer, this preview will feature two halves. First up, the bottom half of the table. For fans of these teams, welcome to mediocrity.

Relegation Fodder

20. Hull City - Welcome to the big time, bitches. Now get on your knees and prepare to take it like a man. Or an effeminate transvestite Russian mail order bride. Either way, expect to get fucked up big time this year. Never been to the Prem before? Prepare for the thrashing of your life. At the very worst, Hull can't be worse that Derby was last year. Right? Anyone?

Mark my words, Hull will struggle to get to 2o points this season. Any shrewd acquisitions made this offseason (George Boateng, Geovanni) will be offset by a squad that lacks any real quality. This menagerie of washed up never-weres have one and done written all over it.

19. Stoke City - See two preceding paragraphs to get an idea of how Stoke City will do this season. Much like Hull, I only see immense struggles for the Potters, the one difference being that Stoke has a goalkeeper in Thomas Sorensen that can rescue points by his own Herculean efforts. It's never a good sign when you head into the season with your goalie being the key to your success, but that's how the cosmos are lining up for Stoke.

On a side note, Stoke City would immediately rocket up my countdown if they inserted and "r" into their name and became Stroke City. That's comedy gold and worth at least a mid-table finish.

18. Fulham - The Cottagers are the unlucky bastards who round out the relegation fodder section of the preview. After barely surviving last year, the team has undergone a major restructuring. Being ridiculously active in the transfer market does not guarantee success, especially when buying mostly from the bargain bin. Bringing in Andy Johnson might seem like a good decision, but his injury problems and lack of goals from the run of play are somewhat disconcerting.

Fulham somehow avoided the drop last season, but will not be able to reproduce the magic again in 08/09. Back down into the dregs of English football society with you. Your bland uniforms and disgraceful pitch will not be missed.

Sweating it Out

17. West Bromwich Albion - When a team is fighting for survival, 17th place can seem like winning the league. Come next May, that's the feeling that will be radiating through The Hawthorns as the squad clinches its inclusion in the following season's top flight. How are they going to survive? By luck, mainly, but also by a few key contributions from some proven Prem players. Jonathan Greening, Scott Carson and Luke Moore have all had success in England's top division and should help ease the pain of joining the upper class. The team knows that survival is the number one priority, so don't expect much in the way of glamor or flair, but when the final table is released, expect cheering within the West Brom community.

16. Bolton Wanderers - I don't know how this team keeps surviving in the Prem, but they do. After taking a big step backwards following Big Sam's move to Newcastle, Bolton looked to be heading back down to the boggy quagmire that is the English Championship. Even after selling talisman Nicolas Anelka to Chelsea, the Trotters figured out a way to scrape together enough points for survival. The same will happen this year, except we won't be seeing any high profile transfers in or out of the club.

Bolton will continue to rely on direct soccer, focusing on set pieces and the long ball. And pundits everywhere will bemoan their tactics. And I will fast-forward through their games. Tough shit for everyone else. Bolton only cares about one thing: itself. Selfish pricks.

The Meh Division

15. Sunderland - The Meh Division. Known for the permanent malaise that afflicts teams and fans in this category, the Meh Division is for teams that are good enough to avoid being dragged into a relegation dogfight but are incapable of challenging for the top half of the table. I find that Sunderland fits that description perfectly. The most exciting thing about Sunderland is Roy Keane's short tie and even shorter temper. I'm still waiting for a Keano postgame meltdown. I have a feeling that without top striker Kenwyn Jones for a couple of months, we might see an apoplectic Keane sooner rather than later.

14. Wigan Athletic - I could give two shits about Wigan. But legendary orgy-meister Steve Bruce always gives me a chuckle. That being said, this team is no better than last year's squad, so it makes sense to put them in the same finishing position (not doggystyle, you pervert). You just keep on shagging those birds, Brucie, and everything will work out in the end.

13. West Ham United - A legendary youth academy and chronic underachievement in the league mean that beleaguered West Ham fans are quick to turn nasty. Don't be surprised when that happens this year and costs perpetually pessimistic manager Alan Curbishley his job this year. No worries, mates. A lower-mid level finish will be your return for your troubles. Isn't that something to get excited about?

If not, just keep blowing your bubbles, you weirdos.

12. Middlesbrough - A full season of Alfonso Alves should help Middlesbrough move up from 13th position last year to the lofty heights of 12th in 08/09. Not much else to say about Boro besides that. This team just reeks of mid-table apathy. They never challenge for Europe and they are rarely involved in a relegation struggle. It must be so boring rooting for this team. Any Boro fans out there care to comment? I'd love to hear your thoughts on supporting your team. Or, feel free to send any picture of scantily clad female fans my way. I'll make sure they find a good home.

11. Blackburn Rovers - Wrapping up the Meh Division is Blackburn Rovers. With its creative heart (David Bentley) ripped out of the midfield and an almost completely untested manager taking over for Mark Hughes, this could be a tumultuous year for the blue and white kitted boys from Lancaster. Surely they will see a dip in performance, even if goal scoring stud Roque Santa Cruz continues his blistering tally record. Will his service dry up now that Bentley has moved on to Spurs? Most likely. That's one of the reasons why I didn't pick him for my fantasy team this year.

Stalwart, and incredibly bald, keeper Brad Friedel has also been shipped out. Why? Money, I guess. That or the owners were tired of looking at his shiny noggin. Look for Blackburn to take a tumble down the table as new manager Paul Ince fails to improve a team missing two of its most influential players.

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PART 2 of the Decent Prem Preview later in the week.

My Blog Feels Unloved

Summer. Good for ogling hot chicks in public. Bad for updating blogs. Posts have dried up round these parts recently and for that I apologize. But rest assured, things will pick up again shortly. The Prem starts in less than two weeks, so you have a nice beefy preview to look forward to (in addition to tasty WAGS such as Abbey Clancy).


Also, I'm taking part in my first wedding this weekend, so there are bound to be some good stories from that little soiree. Just to get things off to a good start, I openly challenge anyone to outdrink me during the reception. Look for the guy double fisting vodka sodas at the Tokeneke Club bar. God, I hope Coach Lauten doesn't work there anymore. That could get mighty embarrassing.