Decent Prem Preview - Part 1

This weekend marks the dawning of a new Premier League season in England. Thank Christ. It's about damn time. It's been three months since I've last laid eyes on the cherry red beauty that is the Liverpool home kit and my loins have been itching to start popping Nando boners again. But before discussing the top teams, its important to start at the bottom feeding relegation scum that will soon become the punching bags of every other team in the league and then work up from there.

While I won't go as far as calling this the "Ultimate Prem Preview" it should turn out to be fairly decent in the end. No gimmicks and no WAGs (try to hide your disappointment). Just a moderately comprehensive (read: one to two paragraph) look at how the teams will finish 20 through 1. At the very least, I know that the Mighty B will appreciate it. And as an added bonus, come the end of the season, if every one of my predictions is wrong, I'll solicit Amy Winehouse for sex, which, in my estimation, is a fate worse than death.

Like a game of soccer, this preview will feature two halves. First up, the bottom half of the table. For fans of these teams, welcome to mediocrity.

Relegation Fodder

20. Hull City - Welcome to the big time, bitches. Now get on your knees and prepare to take it like a man. Or an effeminate transvestite Russian mail order bride. Either way, expect to get fucked up big time this year. Never been to the Prem before? Prepare for the thrashing of your life. At the very worst, Hull can't be worse that Derby was last year. Right? Anyone?

Mark my words, Hull will struggle to get to 2o points this season. Any shrewd acquisitions made this offseason (George Boateng, Geovanni) will be offset by a squad that lacks any real quality. This menagerie of washed up never-weres have one and done written all over it.

19. Stoke City - See two preceding paragraphs to get an idea of how Stoke City will do this season. Much like Hull, I only see immense struggles for the Potters, the one difference being that Stoke has a goalkeeper in Thomas Sorensen that can rescue points by his own Herculean efforts. It's never a good sign when you head into the season with your goalie being the key to your success, but that's how the cosmos are lining up for Stoke.

On a side note, Stoke City would immediately rocket up my countdown if they inserted and "r" into their name and became Stroke City. That's comedy gold and worth at least a mid-table finish.

18. Fulham - The Cottagers are the unlucky bastards who round out the relegation fodder section of the preview. After barely surviving last year, the team has undergone a major restructuring. Being ridiculously active in the transfer market does not guarantee success, especially when buying mostly from the bargain bin. Bringing in Andy Johnson might seem like a good decision, but his injury problems and lack of goals from the run of play are somewhat disconcerting.

Fulham somehow avoided the drop last season, but will not be able to reproduce the magic again in 08/09. Back down into the dregs of English football society with you. Your bland uniforms and disgraceful pitch will not be missed.

Sweating it Out

17. West Bromwich Albion - When a team is fighting for survival, 17th place can seem like winning the league. Come next May, that's the feeling that will be radiating through The Hawthorns as the squad clinches its inclusion in the following season's top flight. How are they going to survive? By luck, mainly, but also by a few key contributions from some proven Prem players. Jonathan Greening, Scott Carson and Luke Moore have all had success in England's top division and should help ease the pain of joining the upper class. The team knows that survival is the number one priority, so don't expect much in the way of glamor or flair, but when the final table is released, expect cheering within the West Brom community.

16. Bolton Wanderers - I don't know how this team keeps surviving in the Prem, but they do. After taking a big step backwards following Big Sam's move to Newcastle, Bolton looked to be heading back down to the boggy quagmire that is the English Championship. Even after selling talisman Nicolas Anelka to Chelsea, the Trotters figured out a way to scrape together enough points for survival. The same will happen this year, except we won't be seeing any high profile transfers in or out of the club.

Bolton will continue to rely on direct soccer, focusing on set pieces and the long ball. And pundits everywhere will bemoan their tactics. And I will fast-forward through their games. Tough shit for everyone else. Bolton only cares about one thing: itself. Selfish pricks.

The Meh Division

15. Sunderland - The Meh Division. Known for the permanent malaise that afflicts teams and fans in this category, the Meh Division is for teams that are good enough to avoid being dragged into a relegation dogfight but are incapable of challenging for the top half of the table. I find that Sunderland fits that description perfectly. The most exciting thing about Sunderland is Roy Keane's short tie and even shorter temper. I'm still waiting for a Keano postgame meltdown. I have a feeling that without top striker Kenwyn Jones for a couple of months, we might see an apoplectic Keane sooner rather than later.

14. Wigan Athletic - I could give two shits about Wigan. But legendary orgy-meister Steve Bruce always gives me a chuckle. That being said, this team is no better than last year's squad, so it makes sense to put them in the same finishing position (not doggystyle, you pervert). You just keep on shagging those birds, Brucie, and everything will work out in the end.

13. West Ham United - A legendary youth academy and chronic underachievement in the league mean that beleaguered West Ham fans are quick to turn nasty. Don't be surprised when that happens this year and costs perpetually pessimistic manager Alan Curbishley his job this year. No worries, mates. A lower-mid level finish will be your return for your troubles. Isn't that something to get excited about?

If not, just keep blowing your bubbles, you weirdos.

12. Middlesbrough - A full season of Alfonso Alves should help Middlesbrough move up from 13th position last year to the lofty heights of 12th in 08/09. Not much else to say about Boro besides that. This team just reeks of mid-table apathy. They never challenge for Europe and they are rarely involved in a relegation struggle. It must be so boring rooting for this team. Any Boro fans out there care to comment? I'd love to hear your thoughts on supporting your team. Or, feel free to send any picture of scantily clad female fans my way. I'll make sure they find a good home.

11. Blackburn Rovers - Wrapping up the Meh Division is Blackburn Rovers. With its creative heart (David Bentley) ripped out of the midfield and an almost completely untested manager taking over for Mark Hughes, this could be a tumultuous year for the blue and white kitted boys from Lancaster. Surely they will see a dip in performance, even if goal scoring stud Roque Santa Cruz continues his blistering tally record. Will his service dry up now that Bentley has moved on to Spurs? Most likely. That's one of the reasons why I didn't pick him for my fantasy team this year.

Stalwart, and incredibly bald, keeper Brad Friedel has also been shipped out. Why? Money, I guess. That or the owners were tired of looking at his shiny noggin. Look for Blackburn to take a tumble down the table as new manager Paul Ince fails to improve a team missing two of its most influential players.

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PART 2 of the Decent Prem Preview later in the week.