Decent Prem Preview - Part II

Time to get back at it. Ten teams left. Will you're team be the number one squad for the upcoming season? Either scroll down for an immediate answer to that burning question or join me for the scenic route through the jungle of top half teams. I promised no WAGs, but to whet your appetite I couldn't resist a gratuitous picture to get the ball rolling. Behold, Danielle Lloyd, former slampig of Marcus Bent (huh?) and Teddy Sheringham.


I will now kick my own ass for choosing beer and video games over professional soccer. Onto the countdown.

Smelling Europe

10. Manchester City - The boys from the blue side of Manchester might have been a few spots higher if not for the ongoing controversy that follows owner Thaksin Shinawatra. One day he is having his assets frozen, the next he is skipping out on bail in his native Thailand. Everyone agrees that this is one sketchy dude. A year after buying the team there are already whispers that he is looking to sell. Quite a fine mess that Mark Hughes walked into. Oh by the way, Man City just lost at home in the first leg of a UEFA Cup tie to a team from Denmark that not only have I never heard of, but couldn't spell and pronounce even after I looked at the name for ten minutes. Not a great start to the season.

It can't all be bad for the Blues if they are ranked in the top 10, even if it is at the shitty end of the list. The reason for that is Mark Hughes. The guy is a good coach and knows how to get the most out of his players. He will put out a scrappy bunch of ankle biters that will make life miserable for the pretty boys of the league. Also, they spend upwards of $20 million pounds on a Brazilian forward who was plying his trade in Russia before move to the Prem. Sounds like a smart investment. Unproven Brazilians tend to excel in the Prem. Just look at...um...hmm...okay, you get my point. At least they didn't end up having to pay Ronaldinho a quarter of a million pounds a month.

9. Newcastle United - Sorry Mighty B, I just couldn't put it off any longer. I love the attacking verve that King Kevin Keegan has brought in his return to St. James Park, but the team still sucks at the back. Yes, the addition of Coloccini will help tighten up the rear (/chuckles) but when your back four is as gaping as Tera Patrick's anus after a session with Lexington Steele, one addition is not going to make that big a difference.

If Michael Owen, Oba Martins and Mark Viduka all stay healthy (huuuuuge if), the three pronged attack will cause problems for any team in the league. Too bad the team has no midfield fire power to take advantage of the exposed holes in the final third. A rampaging attacking midfielder with sublime distribution abilities is just what this team needs. Shame that the Luka Modric deal never came together. He really would have held the room, er, team together. All told, this year will be an improvement from last, but the Magpies aren't Euro-material yet. Looks like another Milk Cup for your squad, Mighty B.

8. Everton - Hey Everton! Yeah, that's right, you! So, uh, do you maybe want to improve your team this offseason? You know, maybe not rest completely on your laurels and try to strenghthen a squad that finished fifth. No, not interested? Okay, sounds good. See you in eighth this year.

Apparently, the Toffees are subscribing to the addition by subtraction ethos this year. The outfit from Goodison Park did not make one substantial transfer during the offseaon and lost key contributors Andy Johnson and Manuel Fernandes. How anyone can say that they will be able to repeat last year's success is beyond me. In fact, I would argue that anyone making that claim is retarded. Boycott that, you daffy mother bitches.

Posititioning at the Teat of Glory

7. Tottenham - This could change if Berbatov leaves the club after this blog post goes live, so please keep that in mind before castrating me for putting them too high. As it stands, the north London squad made a deuce-load of moves during the transfer window. I can't even count the amount of moves this team made in the past three months. And that is using all my fingers and toes. Probably makes sense to just leave it at "the team is completely different than the one that ended the season."

New boys Luka Modric and David Bentley will spearhead a midfield with more flair than a tranny vacationing in Rio de Janeiro during Carnival. Good times ahead for Spurs fans. So the question remains, will the completely different team be any better than the one that finished 11th last year. If you had any common sense, you could conclude from their ranking in this countdown that I believe that they will in fact improve in 08/09. Way to go, poindexter.

6. Portsmouth - Happy Time Harry Redknapp has done a fantastic job building a winner on the south coast. The reigning FA Cup champs will have a hard time replicating that feat, but with the addition of a proven goal scorer in Peter Crouch to partner Jermain Defoe, I sense that the team's league form will improve. With any luck, a higher position in the table will lead to the recruitment of more attractive fans. They could use them. Pompey's supporters were just named the ugliest in all the Prem. Judge for yourself:

Okay, great. I'm going to have nightmares tonight.

5. Aston Villa - Just missing out on the coveted top four are the Villans. But supporters of the high flying squad from England's second city shouldn't be too concerned; with an offensive zeal virtually unmatched by anyone outside of the big quartet at the top of the league, Aston Villa should continue to delight supporters and neutrals alike. Of course, this could also be accomplished by offering free beer to fans, but until hooliganism is curtailed, offensive zeal will have to do.

The team was able to hold on to captain and midfield lynchpin Gareth Barry, or as I like to call him, Gare Bare (it rhymes!), after he publically stated that he wanted to leave the team. Whether or not the fans accept him is one thing, but on the field, his teammates will certainly appreciate his contributions. Look for Ashley Young to continue to terrorize defenses with this speed, vision and homemade jerk-off videos. Bottom line: it's a good time to be a Villan supporter.

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Coming on Friday...the BIG FOUR! You know who they are, but do you know how they will finish? Neither do I. But it will be fun making poop jokes and pretending that I do.