Looking for a Good Time? Try Skitch and Pictures of Al Davis

If you are a Mac user, do yourself a favor and download Skitch. It's an easy to use screen capture tool that also allows for some basic editing. When you partner that with pictures of the living dead, the possibilities for hilarity are practically endless.

Observe:

See how funny that is? Just imagine the enjoyment I experienced coming up with that biting caption above Al Davis's head.

Here's another example:
I'm so creative. No one else is doing this on the interwebs at all.

NFL Week 4 Blog-o-Rama on Your Face

I've got my Subway tuna sub. The TV is broadcasting high definition NFL entertainment. You know what that means. Sit down, strap in and look your eyeballs on the computer screen; it's time for another installment of the NFL Live blog.

1:12 - Off to a late start, apologies. The day is not off to a great start; I wore my inside sandals outside in the rain, the Broncos allowed a 60+ yard jaunt to LJ and the only game on right now is Jets/Cards. It might be slow going during the first block of games.

1:17 - If I was in CT this weekend, I could be watching Chefs/Broncos. Instead, I'm watching Brett Favre loft passes across his bottom that are almost pick sixed. Good times in the Meadowlands.

1:22 - My Yahoo game channel has informed me that the Broncos have had the ball for all of 2 plays and now find themselves down 6-0 at the Chefs, who aren't even good enough to have their name spelled correctly. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm not watching this.

1:29 - After a blocked field goal, the Jets showing a little life with a 4 down conversion and a goalline situation. 3 runs in a row?

1:30 - 1st and goal for the Jets = Run. End of quarter.

1:32 - Thx Fox. Came back late from a commercial and the Jets have a TD nullified by a holding penalty. I guess 3 runs in a row is out of the question.

1:34 - Favre throws a laser to Lav Coles for the TD. Back to the Broncos quickly. A 26 yard punt gives the Chefs excellent field position. Had someone told me Denver was going to be down 6-0 at the end of the first quarter, I would have called you a yellow bellied liar and slapped you with the backside of my hand.

1:39 - You know your defense is bad when Damon Huard is 7/9 already and Larry Johnson is on place for 3,000 yards in the game.

1:42 - Somehow the Broncos manage to avoid more trouble and N. Novak (not sure who that is) misses a 48 yard field goal. Can we wake up now please? I realize it's a 1pm start, but seriously, Cutler needs to share his insulin with his teammates and get a drive going.

1:51 - Brandon Marshall Tid!!!! Mama and Papa Fletchinator, just an FYI: expect to see an authentic B. Marsh jersey on the old X-Mas list in a couple of months.

1:55 - Fox just showed Brian Billeck in the announcing booth. Needless to say, he does not look happy to be there right now. If there was a thought bubble over his head it would look a little something like this:

BB: Is Scott Linehan still employed? What about Lane Kiffin?

1:57 - Meanwhile, Lav Coles waltzes into the endzone after a defender is either assassinated or blows out his knee leaving the speedster wide open down the left sideline. Can't blame the cornerback there for getting hurt, but he might want to crawl into a hole for a while.

2:02 - We might have just seen the end of Kurt Warner for hte day. The Bible thumper decided to dump the ball off right to the Jets and pins his defense deep in their own zone. It's not unfathomable to think that the Jets could be up 28-0 with 5 minutes left in the half.

2:06 - Jets D has 28 fantasy points this week so far. Pretty solid effort from Gang Green. Meanwhile, Arizona is rocking 3. Guess what one of those teams that I'm playing. Just keep in mind that I'm a fantasy troglodyte and my team's name is "Suck Your D for a QB."

2:09 - Jay Feely = Portuguese soccer player. He dives his way out of a shanked field goal and converts on the re-try. You stay classy, Jay. Cheater.

2:11 - BTW - 24-0 Jets. Thanks for showing up Cardinals. Enjoy that cross country flight back to AZ.

2:13 - Must eat Subway. Be back in 2 minutes. Yes, that's how long it takes me to eat a sub.

2:23 - Words cannot describe the anger that I'm feeling after Matt Prater misses a 28-yard field goal that would have pulled the Broncos within 3. Something that combines every cuss word in English language probably would get close to getting the point across. Love the fact that Denver is now going to go into half time trailing by 6 (if they are lucky).

2:26 - Dear Fox, no need to broadcast the 2nd half of the Jets/Cardinals game. Kurt Warner literally just handed the ball to the Jets defense. This is the worst offensive performance I've ever seen.

2:33 - So, um, Matt Prater, I think I owe you an apology. Anytime you can bury a 56-yarder, twice as long as the one you just missed, I will give you a little tip o' the cap. Now you have shown your worth, you are never to miss anything less than 30 yards again. If you do, your testes will be removed.

2:42 - Kurt Warner snaps off prosthetic legs in his spare time. Great humanitarian.

2:46 - Ordering a Reuben. Yes I did just polish of a foot-long tuna sub 30 minutes ago. It's clear that I don't give a shit about my arteries over the weekend.

2:46 - Matt Prater, getting shit done. Tie game. Get that man a high priced escort.

2:58 - Higher probability: me falling asleep or the Cardinals making this interesting? I'm leaning towards the former.

3:04 - According to Brian Billeck, refs don't call illegal procedure every time. Occasionally, refs will give offensive linemen warnings before throwing the flag on them. Sounds like complete ass-hat-ery, but still good to know going forward.

3:09 - So, ummmm, Jets. What's going on here? A 34 point lead has turned to 20 in just under 10 minutes of game play. And the Cardinals just recovered an onside kick. Wow. Might be time for Mangini to light a fire under his team's ass. Just a thought.

3:11 - More wisdom from Billick: "Sometimes you need to take the 2x4 to the head of the mule." That's a new one for all of us non mule owners.

3:13 - Reuben time. Warm up the defibrillator.

3:24 - Worst idea of the day = the Reuban. That was gluttonous and just a terrible decision. I will now forgo any other meal today. This is my punishment.

3:31 - Note to Fox producers: Please alert Brian Billick that the Jets aren't what most people would classify a 'storied franchise.' A more accurate description would be something along the lines of 'mired in mediocrity for decades.'

3:34 - Broncos down 3 to the Chefs head to the 4th quarter. This is not how I expected things to turn out today.

3:38 - Damon Huard is carving up the Broncos with the precision of a Jedi master with a fully customized Lightsaber. His TD pass gives the Chefs a 10 point lead with just under a full quarter remaining. Watching your team get picked apart through Stat Tracker is like getting stabbed to death by needles. It's a long, painful process.

3:51 - Jets finish off the game with a long TD to Cotchery on a 4th and 1. Arizona has surrendered 48 points to a team that had received considerable criticism for being too conservative offensively. That makes sense.

3:55 - Broncos now down by 7 with 8 minutes or so. A 3 and out is a necessity. I'm wringing my hands nervously.

3:58 - A kickoff return to midfield by the Chefs. Broncos = pussy bitches.

4:07 - Unless the Broncos can force a turnover, the Chefs will beat the Broncos and I will punch myself in the balls.

4:14 - Brett Favre just threw his 6th TD pass of the game. In other news, I need a moment to recover from punching myself in the balls.

4:22 - Huge hit in the waning seconds of Jets/Cards. Anquan Boldin knocked out cold in the endzone. Very Jerry McGuire like. Meanwhile, this is eating into quality Cowboys Redskins time. And the Broncos gave up another touchdown. Fuck this shit. Worst NFL Sunday of the year so far.

4:37 - For all you baseball fans, it's looking dire for the Mets right now. 3 outs left, down by 2, needing a win.

4:42 - Still smarting from the Broncos loss. The only person feeling worse than me right now is Anquan Boldin.

4:53 - Mets season hangs in the balance. This is sweet. New York baseball = fail.

5:07 - Halfway through the 2nd quarter of SD/OAK and I've seen SD run two offensive plays. If there is justice in this world, the Raiders will pull off the upset.

5:16 - The Reuben is making it hard to type/stay awake. Posts might become sporadic.

John McCain in Swiftboat Willie

Somewhere, Walt Disney rolls over in his grave. Meanwhile, we can laugh at the topical humor.

I'm a Fantasy Soccer Nerd

Perhaps this is not the type of information that should be spread publicly across the interweb tubes, but if Clay Aiken feels comfortable enough admitting that he enjoys the company of penis, then I can at least do my part. I'm a fantasy soccer nerd. Last season alone I had fantasy teams for the Premership, Serie A, La Liga, Ligue 1 and the Champions League. Things have calmed down a little since then, but I still spend way too much time obsessing over a sport that most people in this country couldn't care less about. But as you can probably tell from the countless Liverpool/WAG posts, I can't get enough of it. So much so that I write a weekly e-newsletter that recaps the last week's Prem games and looks ahead the following weekend's matchups. I do this once a week. Not including me, there are two people who receive this, one of whom is already considering cancelling subscription even though the newsletter is free. That's how big of a nerd I am.

So, in an attempt to make myself seem less pathetic, I bring to my loyal fanbase a taste of the Remember Laughter Register, the weekly Premiership fantasy e-newsletter. If you're interested in signing up, or just want to laugh at me for being lame, just drop me a line in the comments or send me an email. Minor edits have been made to protect the innocent subscribers (both of them) and to avoid any fantasy value confusion that might arise from being registered on different fantasy sites.

The Remember Laughter Register

Volume V, 9/25/08

The world steadies its eyes towards Wall Street and Washington D.C. as the fate of the American economy hangs in the balance. Will the $700 billion bailout rescue the plummeting economy? Or is it just a quick fix to a deeper problem? Meanwhile, the eyes of football fans are squarely focused on a similar crisis happening in the northeast of England. When will the turmoil that has sent Newcastle spiraling to the relegation zone end? Is there a bailout awaiting the Toon army at the end of this murky tunnel? Who will be their savior? The hole is deep for the Magpies and without any solution (or manager) in sight, it’s worrying times for Newcastle fans around the world. In other news around the league, Manchester United and Chelsea draw in the marquee match day four meeting and Liverpool failed to breakthrough a stubborn Stoke City rearguard, earning the Potters a famous point at Anfield.

Star of the Week – Michael Chopra, Sunderland

Finding the pace of the game can be a tough ask for any player coming off the bench, but that role seems to suit Sunderland striker Michael Chopra. His ten minute double against Middlesbrough secured three points for the Black Cats and sent them rocketing up to the top half of the table. Whether manager Roy Keane decides to keep this goal predator on the bench or elects to send him out in the starting 11 remains to be seen, but the gaffer would be wise to give Chopra an extended run and see what the young man can do. Honorable mention: Robinho, Thomas Sorensen, David Di Michele

Scalawag of the Week – David James, Portsmouth

The first repeat scalawag of the season and it goes to a man at the receiving end of a 6-0 drubbing by the suddenly potent Manchester City. Not at fault for a number of the half dozen, the dishonor bestowed upon him is a reflection of the total fantasy package rather than any horrendous howler. The quixotic James continues to baffle spectators throughout the land, with a combination of jaw dropping saves and gasp inducing blunders. Now inching closer to his 40^th year, James is strikingly consistent in his inconsistency. Dishonorable mention: Harry Redknapp, Robbie Keane, Steven Taylor

Through the Looking Glass – Next Week’s Fixtures

Everton v Liverpool

Aston Villa v Sunderland

Fulham v West Ham

Man Utd v Bolton

Middlesbrough v West Brom

Newcastle v Blackburn

Stoke City v Chelsea

Arsenal v Hull City

Portsmouth v Tottenham

Wigan v Man City

Keep an Eye On – Robinho, Manchester City

Two games and two goals for the diminutive Brazilian. Should any less be expected from the most expensive player in the history of English football? Regardless of the expectations, the former Real Madrid galacticos, has become an instant hero at the City of Manchester stadium and with the supporting cast around him, should have no problem finding the back of the net on a regular basis. As the quick, small guy in his strike partnership with compatriot Jo, Robinho will find space abound as defenses struggle to adapt to the new, and undeniably, improved Man City.

Under the Radar – Kevin Davies, Bolton Wanderers

After an aberrantly dry spell all of last season, the Bolton target man has already tallied as many times this year (3) as he did in 2007/8. The style of play at Bolton remains ploddingly direct, so there isn’t really an explanation for the drop in production for Davies. What’s important is that he has regained his goal scoring touch and owners should expect Davies to hit the double digit goal mark with little difficultly this campaign. As the main target for any and all corners and free kicks, there’s no reason to think otherwise.

From the Terrace

Dear Remember Laughter Register Editor (yes I made up a fake letter to the editor section):

My favorite team is Tottenham. We got rid of one of the best strike partnership in the Premier League for a group of mostly unproven foreigners and now we are at the bottom of the table. How long can we expect to wait before this team starts to show signs of progress?

Best,

Distressed in N. London

To Distressed:

It has been an awful start to the season for one of the teams pipped to possibly make the jump into the top four. Now a top half finish would probably suit Spurs fans. To answer your question, at least another four to five games will go by before we see any cohesion with this team. That doesn’t mean to expect a string of losses for your beloved squad, but don’t be surprised if wins are hard to come by for another month or so. Once the manager settles on his preferred 11, then the winning ways will return to Tottenham. Having only played a handful of games so far, it’s nigh on impossible to separate the real quality out from the bunch. Juande Ramos will get there in time. Patience and expectation control is the key here.

Link-o-the-Week

http://www.worldcupblog.org/world-football/emmanuel-adebayor-wins-award-for-biggest-asshole-alive.html#more-3162

(scroll down for the head scratching hilarity)

No Live Blog for Week 3

Just got an iPhone. Must play around with it. Here's a picture of Elisha Cuthbert and Mila Kunis looking hot. I'm not quite sure why they aren't making out, but I guess the photographer was too busy being artistic to even ask. Is it asking too much to break out a strap on? I guess so. Do your job, sir.

Week 2 NFL Live Blog

Last week was such a rousing success (read: 40 uniques a day) that I decided to hunker down and rip off another live blog. Main screen: Giants/Rams (ugh another Rams game, I might not make this survive this). Secondary screen: Colts/Vikes.

Big game of the day: the 4:15 Jets/Pats game. There might be a lost mind or two during that affair.

First unwarranted fantasy mention of the day: the Bears just blocked a kick and returned it for a TD. Chicago's defense is on the team I'm facing. The day is not off to a great start. Although I'm still reveling in the glory that was the Liverpool victory over Manchester United.

Not having Direct TV is brutal. That's going to be a tough pill to swallow during the DEN/SD game.

1:16 - Something is seriously off kilter with Peyton Manning. Brady is already done. Imagine if Manning goes down, also. Who is the NFL going to turn to for commercials?

1:23 - Remember when Dante Hall was good? Those were good times. Especially that game where he faced-raped the Broncos to the tune of multiple special team touchdowns. Here's a refresher.


1:30 - Marc Bulger = the only man in the NFL who gets hurt handing the ball off to his teammate. Good times to be a Rams fan.

1:33 - The Colts cannot stop Adrian Peterson. Eight men in the box and still he bursts through for a five yard gain. A dropped surefire TD pass has cost the Vikes a 10-0 lead over the Colts. That is going to come back to haunt them. Mark my words. Minnesota will rue the fact that they are only up by six over the Ponies. Also mark these words: if I have to watch another Bill Gates/Jerry Seinfeld Microsoft commercial, I will spill someone's blood.

1:39 - The pitch is not working for the Colts. Scratch pitch.

1:40 - Hi Stat-Tracker,
I just paid $10 for you. Can you update more regularly than once per quarter? Much appreciated.

Your's truly,
The Fletchinator

1:44 - Worst blocking attempt ever on Jared Allen. Tight end tried to block the reigning sack champ by turning around and attempting to box out Allen. Needless to say, it was a marvelous fail.

1:55 - The Aaron Rodgers era is off to a flying start. 21-0 over the Lions with 6 minutes left in the first half. Multiple Favre-ian plays. Will he follow in his predecessor's shoes and start at painkilling regiment? I sure hope so.

2:01 - Discussion of Lehman Brothers has been going on for the past 15 minutes. Riveting stuff. The aural equivalent of watching paint dry.

2:07 - A Steven Jackson 15 yard gain almost was able to divert attention away from finance and back to football. Unfortunately, the conversation quickly reverted back to the shit our country is in right now.

2:12 - Not sure if I've ever seen Peyton Manning look this uncomfortable in a football game. Hosting SNL, yes. But never in football. Also, little sidenote directed at Chris Johnson: now that you are America's fantasy darling, step up your game. I'm going to need more than 7 yards per half from you. Find the mf'ing endzone. Immediately.

2:20 - Eli Manning just through the ball left handed. Countdown to Favre reference...4.3.2.1... Aikman wouldn't take the bait. Thank God.

2:27 - Down 2 at halftime in fantasy. That 60 yard run by Chris Johnson at the end of the Titans 1st half really helped. Glad to see my pep talked worked.

2:34 - Stat-Tracker update: I have it running on two separate browsers simultaneously (Safari and Firefox) and with two different accounts. No wonder why Jerry Yang is going to be out of a job soon. I'm going to get regular updates if I have to go all the way to Yahoo and hack into there database.

2:47 - Rams rush defense < Air

2:50 - Had someone told me that the Colts would be shutout halfway through the 3rd quarter vs the Vikings, I'd have called that person a liar and slapped them in the face because that's what I do to liars. Now, I'd be slapping myself in the face for doubting the Vikes.

3:01 - Ridiculous play in the Colts game. Manning deep to a wide-open Anthony Gonzalez, who streaks down the field, cuts inside, and in the act of being tackled laterals the ball to Reggie Wayne. After hurdling his teammate, Wayne stumbles into the endzone. But is it a TD? It was called a score on the field, but it's being reviewed right now. Regardless of what happens, that was the most exciting play of the weekend.

3:05 - Play reversed, Wayne was down. I'm going to be really pissed if Joe Addai runs this in for a TD. Addai, obviously, is on the fantasy team I'm playing right now. After two stuffed QB sneaks, Addai get in(?). On further review, it doesn't look like he scored. God I hope they review this call. I'm calling in my yearly favor.

3:11 - Sometimes, you really just want to fuck up a referee. Now is one of those times. I want to mailbox the referee's home. He clearly blew that TD call. Addai didn't cross the line. I have two eyes, it was clear as day the he didn't score. I need to walk off my rage.

3:20 - Remember when Adam Vinateiri was good? That's not the case any more. He just missed a chip shot. He's going to have to pay for sex tonight.

3:26 - Outrageous juggling catch by Tory Holt in the endzone. Maybe the Rams are going to decide to make this interesting. But again, this is the Rams. They will unquestionably fuck this up somehow.

3:38 - And just like that, the G-Men roll down the field and score a game clinching TD. Meanwhile, the Colts score then convert the 2 point conversion to tie the game. I told you the Vikes were going to regret not putting this game out of reach when they had the chance.

3:43 - My back is killing me from being hunched over the computer. Quasimodo would be proud of me.

3:45 - Stat tracker appears to be working. About damn time. That only took 3.5 quarters. Thanks Yahoo. Enjoy your stock plummeting.

3:48 - Greg Gumball (sp?) just threw out "whale of day" as a line. Welcome to the 20th century.

3:54 - I blinked and Detroit took the lead vs Green Bay. Calvin Johnson and Roy Williams have to be the most talented receiver combo in the league. I would kill someone to be one of those guys. The Rams, meanwhile, somehow managed to give up about three TDs in the space of 5 minutes. What a pathetic ragtag bunch of second-rate players. I'd be surprised if they won more than 4 games this year.

4:02 - Indy and Minnesota both appear to be playing for OT. Either that or they don't realize that the game is still tied.

4:03 - I stand corrected. Manning throws a seam to Reggie Wayne for 20 yards. On comes Vinateiri with a chance to win. Here's the game...

4:04 - That looks to be the ballgame. Vinateiri splits the uprights. That's going to stick in the craw of Vikes fans. They had the game and let it slip away. Might be time to realize that Tavaris Jackson is not the answer.

4:27 - Trying to figure out how to watch the Broncos on my computer. Any suggestions?

4:39 - Watching the Broncos on a bootlegged Mexican broadcast through my computer. Posting might become light.

My Friend, the Jets Fan

One of the many reasons why I love football. (For some reason, I can't get this to work on Firefox, but it is working on IE)

NFL Week 1 Live Blog and Musings

The NFL is back mother-bitches. Welcome to the CBSVG live blog. Right now on the main screen we have Jets-Fins. I'm sitting next to a huge Jets fan. He already asked for a forced fumble on the opening kickoff. This should be fun. Second screen is Eagles/Rams. Hopefully we'll get through this alive.

Standard typos and spelling error Live blog rules apply.

1:05 - 3 and out for the Fins. The Tony Sporano (sp?) era is off to a great start. Here comes the Brett Favre era. Jim Nantz is loosening up his jaw for an afternoon of verbal fellatio.

1:07 - Favre scrambles for the first down. I was half expecting an underhand pass.

1:11 - Great punt return by the Fins. I'm still being berated for the obvious PI call on Will Allen that was overlooked by the zebras.

1:15 - Phil Simms just made the claim that the Fins greatest asset is Ricky Williams. Going to be a long season for either Simms or Miami. I'm guessing it's Miami.

1:16 - First look in at the Rams/Eagles games. The Birds scored on their opening drive. Speaking of birds, Falcons QB Matt Ryan just throw a strike to Mike Jenkins who housed it. Welcome to the NFL Matt. Back to the Rams, Drew Bennett is hurt and it doesn't look good.

1:19 - During a channel changing snafu, we missed Favre's first ever Jets TD pass. There is a lot of hostility in the room right now. But also a lot of joy. Like the time I found out that Scar Jo gave me herpes.

1:26 - The Pennington era is not off to a great start. 1 for 6 for -1 yard. He just fluttered a pass out to the sideline that would not have been able to rip through a stretched out moist paper towel. To say that Chad's arm is weak is the equivalent of saying that Lexington Steel's cock doesn't make a horse envious. Not sure that made sense, just wanted to give a shout out to my boy Lex.

1:32 - James Brown just informed me that Tom Brady limped into the locker room. Early favorite for "Best news of the day" award.

1:36 - Jets first injury concern of the year: Mike Nugent hobbled off the field after pushing a short field goal wide right. Cuss words are flying.

1:45 - Dolphins are driving right now. Pennington showing a little life on there. That Chad, he's a fighter. Awaiting further word on Tom Brady's injury. God this is so sweet. Speaking of sweet, great drive by the Fins results in a touchdown. Game's picking up a little. Although the same can't be said for the Rams. They suck. Scott Linehan might get fired at halftime. Stay tuned for the second half...Only on Fox.

1:54 - Just a little fun little thing I noticed about Yahoo Stat Tracker. LT's last name doesn't completely fit within the name plate, so it reads: L. Tomlinsor. That's pretty badass. Here's the proof:

By the way, Deep Penetration is my fantasy team. Marvel at it. Also, we had our first Favre forced ball that almost resulted in a picks. A sack on the next play makes it 3/17. A dump off leads to a 4/13. In field goal range, the Jets decide to go for it before calling time out. Minds are being lost here as it slowly dawns on everyone that the Jets might be without a kicker for the rest of the game. In the Rams game, DeSean Jackson just got raped on a fade route and no flag. PI no longer exists in the league.

2:03 - 4/13 for the Jets. Unbelievable turn of events. Favre hoists up a hail mary that inexplicably finds an open receiver at the front of the endzone. Without a kicker, the Jets are forced to go for 2. Denied. Somehow not having a kicker is going to come back to bite them this game. Mark my words.

2:07 - Nantz is killing Ben Graham for a poor kickoff. Dude, cut the dude some slack. He was playing Aussie rules football a couple of years ago. He doesn't know how to kick off a fucking tee.

2:14 - Steven Jackson just got destroyed going up the seam. Completely decleated. His helmet might have exploded. But give them man credit, he held onto the ball and looked pretty sharp doing so. Steven Jackson = Beastlord.

2:19 - Still searching for a kicker on the Jets sideline. Kellen Clemens should start practicing.

2:22 - McNabb to Hank Baskett for like 90 yards. The Rams have a solid secondary. McNabb might throw for 400 yards this game. Oh, all this with 45 seconds left in the first half. What did the Rams practice during training camp?

And that about wraps it up for the first half in our games. Looking forward to the Tom Brady update. Also the 3 minute piss I'm about to take.

Gayest thing I've ever seen: The CBS Scene outside of Foxboro Stadium. Could they want to teabag the Pats more?

2:38 - Left knee injury to Tom Brady. Someone might be collecting that bounty from Kissing Suzy Kolber. About damn time.

2:43 - First Favre turnover. A fumble that kills a promising Jets drive. I was almost killed by a wayward punch that was directed at that couch.

2:54 - Jake Long, tackling defensive ends doesn't work in the NFL. Kthxbai.

2:56 - Asanti Samuel should have had a pick-6 for the Eagles. Coach B would have berated him for not taking advantage of the green grass ahead of him.

3:00 - Apparently Favre has been playing football since the dawn of time. Sims claims that he has started 6000 games in a row. I know it's hyperbole, but come on. Let's keep it in the realm of credibility.

3:05 - Thomas Jones TD for the Jets, that should pretty much kill off the Fins. Send them to the tuna net and the Bumblebee factory. Meanwhile, in Philly, DeSean Jackson is making the Rams his bitch. 28-0 in the 3rd quarter. Thanks for getting your team, Coach Linehan. Way to earn your paycheck.

3:15 - I know I'm harping on this, but the Rams are one of the worst teams I've seen in a while. Yes, it's week 1 and they can improve. But outside of Steven Jackson, this is a team of asshat scrubs. Oh, DeSean Jackson almost just housed a punt return. Most impressive rookie ever. That's Phil Sims hyperbole for you.

3:25 - Watching Pennington throw a deep pass is about as depressing as seeing a homeless man beat off in a urinal stall at Grand Central. If that makes sense, hat tip to me.

3:36 - Jets goalline stand might just end it in Miami. There are 9 minutes left and I'm calling it. That's how bad the Fins have looked on offense. Preparations have begun for the 4:15 Dallas-Cleveland game that has the most important fantasy implications in the history of the world. See, Phil, it's not hard to exaggerate. I hate you.

3:41 - Is it too early to make the claim that Ted Ginn sucks and will never develop into anything else besides a mediocre return man? I'm ready to take that plunge. Who's with me?

3:47 - Dolphins score and decide to show a little fight. Last year, they would have given up 21 points in the last 3 minutes. That's a change in the culture. Or just a team with some balls. Just under 4 minutes, onside kick or kick it deep? The keep goes deep. Fins need a 3 and out or else this game is over.

3:51 - 2 minute warning down in Miami. Jets with a 3/2. There will be either a positive or negative outburst forthcoming. Full audio later.

3:55 - Jets run on 3rd down after a procedure penalty. The punt is decent, but the Fins have decent field position, 1:43 left in the game and zero timeouts to win the game. The tension is palpable here.

4:04 - Valiant drive by the Dolphins comes up a little short as Chad throws a pick in the endzone with less than 10 seconds remaining. Not the only thing thrown during that drive, as shirts were removed and pillows were sent flying as we led up to the final conclusion. Good start by the Jets. Great first half of the doubleheader.

4:16 - We're off in Cleveland. Here's to the fantasy eruption that's about to happen on the field and in my pants.

4:19 - Great 3 and out for the Cowboys. Would have loved for them to recover that fumbled snap, but I won't complain. Still rocking those 10 shutout points right now. Now it's time for the offense to step up and put some points on the board. Let's go MaToFe (Marion Barber, Terrell Owens, Felix Jones).

4:27 - Cowboys = Best offense ever. They might score 400 points this game. Although Marion Barber has started a little slowly. There appear to holes on the outside. Maybe Felix Jones time? Or Jason Witten time. Fuck, he's on my roommates GF's team, who I'm also playing in fantasy. BTW - she autodrafted. I love losing to autodrafted teams. This is the reason why I hate fantasy football. Very little skill, mostly luck. Although my first round draft pick Marion B. just punched in a 1-yard TD.

4:31 - The celebration for the Jets win? Boilermakers. I'm a coward so I'm passing but they are going down right now. I love the NFL.

4:34 - Fattest coach in the NFL? Might be a toss up between Andy Reid and Romeo Crennel. Still awaiting the first sideline coronary explosion.

4:39 - Braylon Edwards just dropped a surefire 60 yard TD pass. That hurts. We just got a little closer to the first Romeo Crennel heart attack. And I'm nearing that point as well.

4:53 - Pacman Jones just stole a BrayBray TD by dragging him down in the endzone after he was clearly beaten with an outside-in move. That stings. 6 points just slipped through my fingers and there was little I can do. Pacman, you and I are going to the gentleman's club and we're going to make it fucking rain. Then you are going to fuck up some strippers so you're out of the league again and someone else can get burned for a TD. This is happening at halftime. No more fucking around. I need you to put a bullet in a stripper.

5:03 - Question: Is Cleveland going to put any pressure on Tony Romo? No? Just checking, just wanted to be clear.

5:o5 - Incredulous coverage from the Browns who decided that not getting within 5 yards of TO was a good idea. As you can expect, the result is a TD for Owens. The subsequent celebration was a homage to Olympic sprinters and because the NFL is fucking lame, he gets hit with a penalty for excessive celebration. Maybe Vince McMahon was on to something when he called the NFL the "No Fun League." Joyful expression is not allowed in this game where people can literally get paralyzed and/or die at any point during the course of the 60 minutes. That seems fair.

5:10 - Can Jim Brown look more surly? I don't think I've seen a more disgruntled face on anyone at a football game.

5:18 - Tony Romo has so much time in the pocket that Jessica Simpson could get on her knees and blow him before he had to worry about getting hit by a Browns defender. An outrageous level of protection.

5:21 - Braylon Edwards might want to work on his hands during practice next week. I've seen at least 3 drops so far. One of which was 60 yard TD bomb. That is frustrating. There needs to be a word for how I'm feeling. Maybe something along the lines of "Murrrgggaaahhh!"

5:31 - The BK Wrapper intrigues me.

5:36 - Cowboys are walking all over the Browns. Marion Barber is having a huge first half. As is Terrell Owens. There is much rejoicing as we head into halftime of our double header. I'm going to eat my second Subway sub of the day. See you in 1000 calories.

5:53 - I am full. Let the entire interwebs hear my cry of satiation.

5:58 - Worst offensive pass interference call in the history of offensive pass interference. I have not been impressed with the referees today. Let's go zebra hunting.

6:12 - FELIX! 1 carry, 1 TD. That's a great ratio. Sorry for the lack of updates recently; we were discussing an orgy and my attention wavered from football for a moment.

6:17 - The Browns fans are turning on their team. Maybe a little early for that. But then again, no one ever equated Cleveland with classy. That was harsh. But I've been blogging for 5.5 hours straight, I'm getting a little bit punchy.

6:26 - The Browns are going quietly into the night. The Cowboys are driving for their 5th touchdown of the game and the only remaining question is whether or not Braylon Edwards is going to have more than 1.4 fantasy points. Douche. Drop another ball and I'll cut your face.

6:30 - Something I typed must have stirred something within the Browns. A endzone pick and a 24 yard burst from Jamal Lewis and suddenly, it doesn't look completely improbable that they may score another touchdown. Psst - look towards BrayBray. I shouldn't get greedy though, my afternoon players have come through in big way and I'm now sporting a 37 point fantasy league over Autodraft McGee.

6:43 - Cleveland decides to kick a field goal down by 3 TDs with 10 minutes left. Calling that questionable is an understatement. Someone needs to explain the rules of the game to Crennel. He's too focused on staving off the heart attack right around the corner.

6:52 - This game is just about over. As is this live blog. My fingers are killing me, my back is shot, my eyes are watery. I won't promise a weekly live blog but keep checking this space. Maybe I'll surprise even myself.

It's Tuesday, why not throw together an impromptu hot chick poll?

We are slowly counting down to the one year anniversary of Chicks, Beer, Sports, Video Games and I'm thinking that it might be time to refresh the lovely banner at the top of the screen. That was one of my first creative conquests, and while I'll be sad to see it go, it might be time for a change. Not that I don't still love Scar Jo and Elisha, because Lord knows that my passion for those two still burns deeps within my loins (at least I hope it's passion that is causing the burning), but I thought it might be interesting to throw up some pictures of hot chicks who could be candidates for the coveted two leftmost slots on the logo and let the reader(s) of this blog decide who should be up there.

It's now in your hands. The candidates (if there are any glaring omissions, please make use of the comments for suggestions):