NFL Week 1 Live Blog and Musings

The NFL is back mother-bitches. Welcome to the CBSVG live blog. Right now on the main screen we have Jets-Fins. I'm sitting next to a huge Jets fan. He already asked for a forced fumble on the opening kickoff. This should be fun. Second screen is Eagles/Rams. Hopefully we'll get through this alive.

Standard typos and spelling error Live blog rules apply.

1:05 - 3 and out for the Fins. The Tony Sporano (sp?) era is off to a great start. Here comes the Brett Favre era. Jim Nantz is loosening up his jaw for an afternoon of verbal fellatio.

1:07 - Favre scrambles for the first down. I was half expecting an underhand pass.

1:11 - Great punt return by the Fins. I'm still being berated for the obvious PI call on Will Allen that was overlooked by the zebras.

1:15 - Phil Simms just made the claim that the Fins greatest asset is Ricky Williams. Going to be a long season for either Simms or Miami. I'm guessing it's Miami.

1:16 - First look in at the Rams/Eagles games. The Birds scored on their opening drive. Speaking of birds, Falcons QB Matt Ryan just throw a strike to Mike Jenkins who housed it. Welcome to the NFL Matt. Back to the Rams, Drew Bennett is hurt and it doesn't look good.

1:19 - During a channel changing snafu, we missed Favre's first ever Jets TD pass. There is a lot of hostility in the room right now. But also a lot of joy. Like the time I found out that Scar Jo gave me herpes.

1:26 - The Pennington era is not off to a great start. 1 for 6 for -1 yard. He just fluttered a pass out to the sideline that would not have been able to rip through a stretched out moist paper towel. To say that Chad's arm is weak is the equivalent of saying that Lexington Steel's cock doesn't make a horse envious. Not sure that made sense, just wanted to give a shout out to my boy Lex.

1:32 - James Brown just informed me that Tom Brady limped into the locker room. Early favorite for "Best news of the day" award.

1:36 - Jets first injury concern of the year: Mike Nugent hobbled off the field after pushing a short field goal wide right. Cuss words are flying.

1:45 - Dolphins are driving right now. Pennington showing a little life on there. That Chad, he's a fighter. Awaiting further word on Tom Brady's injury. God this is so sweet. Speaking of sweet, great drive by the Fins results in a touchdown. Game's picking up a little. Although the same can't be said for the Rams. They suck. Scott Linehan might get fired at halftime. Stay tuned for the second half...Only on Fox.

1:54 - Just a little fun little thing I noticed about Yahoo Stat Tracker. LT's last name doesn't completely fit within the name plate, so it reads: L. Tomlinsor. That's pretty badass. Here's the proof:

By the way, Deep Penetration is my fantasy team. Marvel at it. Also, we had our first Favre forced ball that almost resulted in a picks. A sack on the next play makes it 3/17. A dump off leads to a 4/13. In field goal range, the Jets decide to go for it before calling time out. Minds are being lost here as it slowly dawns on everyone that the Jets might be without a kicker for the rest of the game. In the Rams game, DeSean Jackson just got raped on a fade route and no flag. PI no longer exists in the league.

2:03 - 4/13 for the Jets. Unbelievable turn of events. Favre hoists up a hail mary that inexplicably finds an open receiver at the front of the endzone. Without a kicker, the Jets are forced to go for 2. Denied. Somehow not having a kicker is going to come back to bite them this game. Mark my words.

2:07 - Nantz is killing Ben Graham for a poor kickoff. Dude, cut the dude some slack. He was playing Aussie rules football a couple of years ago. He doesn't know how to kick off a fucking tee.

2:14 - Steven Jackson just got destroyed going up the seam. Completely decleated. His helmet might have exploded. But give them man credit, he held onto the ball and looked pretty sharp doing so. Steven Jackson = Beastlord.

2:19 - Still searching for a kicker on the Jets sideline. Kellen Clemens should start practicing.

2:22 - McNabb to Hank Baskett for like 90 yards. The Rams have a solid secondary. McNabb might throw for 400 yards this game. Oh, all this with 45 seconds left in the first half. What did the Rams practice during training camp?

And that about wraps it up for the first half in our games. Looking forward to the Tom Brady update. Also the 3 minute piss I'm about to take.

Gayest thing I've ever seen: The CBS Scene outside of Foxboro Stadium. Could they want to teabag the Pats more?

2:38 - Left knee injury to Tom Brady. Someone might be collecting that bounty from Kissing Suzy Kolber. About damn time.

2:43 - First Favre turnover. A fumble that kills a promising Jets drive. I was almost killed by a wayward punch that was directed at that couch.

2:54 - Jake Long, tackling defensive ends doesn't work in the NFL. Kthxbai.

2:56 - Asanti Samuel should have had a pick-6 for the Eagles. Coach B would have berated him for not taking advantage of the green grass ahead of him.

3:00 - Apparently Favre has been playing football since the dawn of time. Sims claims that he has started 6000 games in a row. I know it's hyperbole, but come on. Let's keep it in the realm of credibility.

3:05 - Thomas Jones TD for the Jets, that should pretty much kill off the Fins. Send them to the tuna net and the Bumblebee factory. Meanwhile, in Philly, DeSean Jackson is making the Rams his bitch. 28-0 in the 3rd quarter. Thanks for getting your team, Coach Linehan. Way to earn your paycheck.

3:15 - I know I'm harping on this, but the Rams are one of the worst teams I've seen in a while. Yes, it's week 1 and they can improve. But outside of Steven Jackson, this is a team of asshat scrubs. Oh, DeSean Jackson almost just housed a punt return. Most impressive rookie ever. That's Phil Sims hyperbole for you.

3:25 - Watching Pennington throw a deep pass is about as depressing as seeing a homeless man beat off in a urinal stall at Grand Central. If that makes sense, hat tip to me.

3:36 - Jets goalline stand might just end it in Miami. There are 9 minutes left and I'm calling it. That's how bad the Fins have looked on offense. Preparations have begun for the 4:15 Dallas-Cleveland game that has the most important fantasy implications in the history of the world. See, Phil, it's not hard to exaggerate. I hate you.

3:41 - Is it too early to make the claim that Ted Ginn sucks and will never develop into anything else besides a mediocre return man? I'm ready to take that plunge. Who's with me?

3:47 - Dolphins score and decide to show a little fight. Last year, they would have given up 21 points in the last 3 minutes. That's a change in the culture. Or just a team with some balls. Just under 4 minutes, onside kick or kick it deep? The keep goes deep. Fins need a 3 and out or else this game is over.

3:51 - 2 minute warning down in Miami. Jets with a 3/2. There will be either a positive or negative outburst forthcoming. Full audio later.

3:55 - Jets run on 3rd down after a procedure penalty. The punt is decent, but the Fins have decent field position, 1:43 left in the game and zero timeouts to win the game. The tension is palpable here.

4:04 - Valiant drive by the Dolphins comes up a little short as Chad throws a pick in the endzone with less than 10 seconds remaining. Not the only thing thrown during that drive, as shirts were removed and pillows were sent flying as we led up to the final conclusion. Good start by the Jets. Great first half of the doubleheader.

4:16 - We're off in Cleveland. Here's to the fantasy eruption that's about to happen on the field and in my pants.

4:19 - Great 3 and out for the Cowboys. Would have loved for them to recover that fumbled snap, but I won't complain. Still rocking those 10 shutout points right now. Now it's time for the offense to step up and put some points on the board. Let's go MaToFe (Marion Barber, Terrell Owens, Felix Jones).

4:27 - Cowboys = Best offense ever. They might score 400 points this game. Although Marion Barber has started a little slowly. There appear to holes on the outside. Maybe Felix Jones time? Or Jason Witten time. Fuck, he's on my roommates GF's team, who I'm also playing in fantasy. BTW - she autodrafted. I love losing to autodrafted teams. This is the reason why I hate fantasy football. Very little skill, mostly luck. Although my first round draft pick Marion B. just punched in a 1-yard TD.

4:31 - The celebration for the Jets win? Boilermakers. I'm a coward so I'm passing but they are going down right now. I love the NFL.

4:34 - Fattest coach in the NFL? Might be a toss up between Andy Reid and Romeo Crennel. Still awaiting the first sideline coronary explosion.

4:39 - Braylon Edwards just dropped a surefire 60 yard TD pass. That hurts. We just got a little closer to the first Romeo Crennel heart attack. And I'm nearing that point as well.

4:53 - Pacman Jones just stole a BrayBray TD by dragging him down in the endzone after he was clearly beaten with an outside-in move. That stings. 6 points just slipped through my fingers and there was little I can do. Pacman, you and I are going to the gentleman's club and we're going to make it fucking rain. Then you are going to fuck up some strippers so you're out of the league again and someone else can get burned for a TD. This is happening at halftime. No more fucking around. I need you to put a bullet in a stripper.

5:03 - Question: Is Cleveland going to put any pressure on Tony Romo? No? Just checking, just wanted to be clear.

5:o5 - Incredulous coverage from the Browns who decided that not getting within 5 yards of TO was a good idea. As you can expect, the result is a TD for Owens. The subsequent celebration was a homage to Olympic sprinters and because the NFL is fucking lame, he gets hit with a penalty for excessive celebration. Maybe Vince McMahon was on to something when he called the NFL the "No Fun League." Joyful expression is not allowed in this game where people can literally get paralyzed and/or die at any point during the course of the 60 minutes. That seems fair.

5:10 - Can Jim Brown look more surly? I don't think I've seen a more disgruntled face on anyone at a football game.

5:18 - Tony Romo has so much time in the pocket that Jessica Simpson could get on her knees and blow him before he had to worry about getting hit by a Browns defender. An outrageous level of protection.

5:21 - Braylon Edwards might want to work on his hands during practice next week. I've seen at least 3 drops so far. One of which was 60 yard TD bomb. That is frustrating. There needs to be a word for how I'm feeling. Maybe something along the lines of "Murrrgggaaahhh!"

5:31 - The BK Wrapper intrigues me.

5:36 - Cowboys are walking all over the Browns. Marion Barber is having a huge first half. As is Terrell Owens. There is much rejoicing as we head into halftime of our double header. I'm going to eat my second Subway sub of the day. See you in 1000 calories.

5:53 - I am full. Let the entire interwebs hear my cry of satiation.

5:58 - Worst offensive pass interference call in the history of offensive pass interference. I have not been impressed with the referees today. Let's go zebra hunting.

6:12 - FELIX! 1 carry, 1 TD. That's a great ratio. Sorry for the lack of updates recently; we were discussing an orgy and my attention wavered from football for a moment.

6:17 - The Browns fans are turning on their team. Maybe a little early for that. But then again, no one ever equated Cleveland with classy. That was harsh. But I've been blogging for 5.5 hours straight, I'm getting a little bit punchy.

6:26 - The Browns are going quietly into the night. The Cowboys are driving for their 5th touchdown of the game and the only remaining question is whether or not Braylon Edwards is going to have more than 1.4 fantasy points. Douche. Drop another ball and I'll cut your face.

6:30 - Something I typed must have stirred something within the Browns. A endzone pick and a 24 yard burst from Jamal Lewis and suddenly, it doesn't look completely improbable that they may score another touchdown. Psst - look towards BrayBray. I shouldn't get greedy though, my afternoon players have come through in big way and I'm now sporting a 37 point fantasy league over Autodraft McGee.

6:43 - Cleveland decides to kick a field goal down by 3 TDs with 10 minutes left. Calling that questionable is an understatement. Someone needs to explain the rules of the game to Crennel. He's too focused on staving off the heart attack right around the corner.

6:52 - This game is just about over. As is this live blog. My fingers are killing me, my back is shot, my eyes are watery. I won't promise a weekly live blog but keep checking this space. Maybe I'll surprise even myself.