NFL Week 4 Blog-o-Rama on Your Face

I've got my Subway tuna sub. The TV is broadcasting high definition NFL entertainment. You know what that means. Sit down, strap in and look your eyeballs on the computer screen; it's time for another installment of the NFL Live blog.

1:12 - Off to a late start, apologies. The day is not off to a great start; I wore my inside sandals outside in the rain, the Broncos allowed a 60+ yard jaunt to LJ and the only game on right now is Jets/Cards. It might be slow going during the first block of games.

1:17 - If I was in CT this weekend, I could be watching Chefs/Broncos. Instead, I'm watching Brett Favre loft passes across his bottom that are almost pick sixed. Good times in the Meadowlands.

1:22 - My Yahoo game channel has informed me that the Broncos have had the ball for all of 2 plays and now find themselves down 6-0 at the Chefs, who aren't even good enough to have their name spelled correctly. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm not watching this.

1:29 - After a blocked field goal, the Jets showing a little life with a 4 down conversion and a goalline situation. 3 runs in a row?

1:30 - 1st and goal for the Jets = Run. End of quarter.

1:32 - Thx Fox. Came back late from a commercial and the Jets have a TD nullified by a holding penalty. I guess 3 runs in a row is out of the question.

1:34 - Favre throws a laser to Lav Coles for the TD. Back to the Broncos quickly. A 26 yard punt gives the Chefs excellent field position. Had someone told me Denver was going to be down 6-0 at the end of the first quarter, I would have called you a yellow bellied liar and slapped you with the backside of my hand.

1:39 - You know your defense is bad when Damon Huard is 7/9 already and Larry Johnson is on place for 3,000 yards in the game.

1:42 - Somehow the Broncos manage to avoid more trouble and N. Novak (not sure who that is) misses a 48 yard field goal. Can we wake up now please? I realize it's a 1pm start, but seriously, Cutler needs to share his insulin with his teammates and get a drive going.

1:51 - Brandon Marshall Tid!!!! Mama and Papa Fletchinator, just an FYI: expect to see an authentic B. Marsh jersey on the old X-Mas list in a couple of months.

1:55 - Fox just showed Brian Billeck in the announcing booth. Needless to say, he does not look happy to be there right now. If there was a thought bubble over his head it would look a little something like this:

BB: Is Scott Linehan still employed? What about Lane Kiffin?

1:57 - Meanwhile, Lav Coles waltzes into the endzone after a defender is either assassinated or blows out his knee leaving the speedster wide open down the left sideline. Can't blame the cornerback there for getting hurt, but he might want to crawl into a hole for a while.

2:02 - We might have just seen the end of Kurt Warner for hte day. The Bible thumper decided to dump the ball off right to the Jets and pins his defense deep in their own zone. It's not unfathomable to think that the Jets could be up 28-0 with 5 minutes left in the half.

2:06 - Jets D has 28 fantasy points this week so far. Pretty solid effort from Gang Green. Meanwhile, Arizona is rocking 3. Guess what one of those teams that I'm playing. Just keep in mind that I'm a fantasy troglodyte and my team's name is "Suck Your D for a QB."

2:09 - Jay Feely = Portuguese soccer player. He dives his way out of a shanked field goal and converts on the re-try. You stay classy, Jay. Cheater.

2:11 - BTW - 24-0 Jets. Thanks for showing up Cardinals. Enjoy that cross country flight back to AZ.

2:13 - Must eat Subway. Be back in 2 minutes. Yes, that's how long it takes me to eat a sub.

2:23 - Words cannot describe the anger that I'm feeling after Matt Prater misses a 28-yard field goal that would have pulled the Broncos within 3. Something that combines every cuss word in English language probably would get close to getting the point across. Love the fact that Denver is now going to go into half time trailing by 6 (if they are lucky).

2:26 - Dear Fox, no need to broadcast the 2nd half of the Jets/Cardinals game. Kurt Warner literally just handed the ball to the Jets defense. This is the worst offensive performance I've ever seen.

2:33 - So, um, Matt Prater, I think I owe you an apology. Anytime you can bury a 56-yarder, twice as long as the one you just missed, I will give you a little tip o' the cap. Now you have shown your worth, you are never to miss anything less than 30 yards again. If you do, your testes will be removed.

2:42 - Kurt Warner snaps off prosthetic legs in his spare time. Great humanitarian.

2:46 - Ordering a Reuben. Yes I did just polish of a foot-long tuna sub 30 minutes ago. It's clear that I don't give a shit about my arteries over the weekend.

2:46 - Matt Prater, getting shit done. Tie game. Get that man a high priced escort.

2:58 - Higher probability: me falling asleep or the Cardinals making this interesting? I'm leaning towards the former.

3:04 - According to Brian Billeck, refs don't call illegal procedure every time. Occasionally, refs will give offensive linemen warnings before throwing the flag on them. Sounds like complete ass-hat-ery, but still good to know going forward.

3:09 - So, ummmm, Jets. What's going on here? A 34 point lead has turned to 20 in just under 10 minutes of game play. And the Cardinals just recovered an onside kick. Wow. Might be time for Mangini to light a fire under his team's ass. Just a thought.

3:11 - More wisdom from Billick: "Sometimes you need to take the 2x4 to the head of the mule." That's a new one for all of us non mule owners.

3:13 - Reuben time. Warm up the defibrillator.

3:24 - Worst idea of the day = the Reuban. That was gluttonous and just a terrible decision. I will now forgo any other meal today. This is my punishment.

3:31 - Note to Fox producers: Please alert Brian Billick that the Jets aren't what most people would classify a 'storied franchise.' A more accurate description would be something along the lines of 'mired in mediocrity for decades.'

3:34 - Broncos down 3 to the Chefs head to the 4th quarter. This is not how I expected things to turn out today.

3:38 - Damon Huard is carving up the Broncos with the precision of a Jedi master with a fully customized Lightsaber. His TD pass gives the Chefs a 10 point lead with just under a full quarter remaining. Watching your team get picked apart through Stat Tracker is like getting stabbed to death by needles. It's a long, painful process.

3:51 - Jets finish off the game with a long TD to Cotchery on a 4th and 1. Arizona has surrendered 48 points to a team that had received considerable criticism for being too conservative offensively. That makes sense.

3:55 - Broncos now down by 7 with 8 minutes or so. A 3 and out is a necessity. I'm wringing my hands nervously.

3:58 - A kickoff return to midfield by the Chefs. Broncos = pussy bitches.

4:07 - Unless the Broncos can force a turnover, the Chefs will beat the Broncos and I will punch myself in the balls.

4:14 - Brett Favre just threw his 6th TD pass of the game. In other news, I need a moment to recover from punching myself in the balls.

4:22 - Huge hit in the waning seconds of Jets/Cards. Anquan Boldin knocked out cold in the endzone. Very Jerry McGuire like. Meanwhile, this is eating into quality Cowboys Redskins time. And the Broncos gave up another touchdown. Fuck this shit. Worst NFL Sunday of the year so far.

4:37 - For all you baseball fans, it's looking dire for the Mets right now. 3 outs left, down by 2, needing a win.

4:42 - Still smarting from the Broncos loss. The only person feeling worse than me right now is Anquan Boldin.

4:53 - Mets season hangs in the balance. This is sweet. New York baseball = fail.

5:07 - Halfway through the 2nd quarter of SD/OAK and I've seen SD run two offensive plays. If there is justice in this world, the Raiders will pull off the upset.

5:16 - The Reuben is making it hard to type/stay awake. Posts might become sporadic.