Congrats are in order to the Philadelphia Phillies for their World Series triumph this evening over the Tampa Bay Rays. Game 5, drawn out over three days was pretty entertaining to watch, but not nearly as exciting as what's going to happen in the sporting world over the next 24 hours. Here's 10 fearless predictions for what to expect in the coming hours.
1. In Philadelphia, there will be rioting, glorious, senseless rioting. Perhaps looting, as well. Raping and pillaging are not expected but arson is. Destruction of property is a given. So there will be slightly less criminal activity in Philly for the next day. Cops will be happy.
2. Millions of Americans will wake up tomorrow surprised to see a baseball celebration on the front page of the sports section. They will ask family members, train acquaintances and co-workers "Didn't the season end three weeks ago?" before returning to cups of dog piss coffee.
3. Bud Selig will remove his mouth from Fox Sports CEO David Hill's cock and ask Rupert Murdoch to kindly stop fucking him up the ass with a dollar bill laced condom long enough to award the Phillies the Commissioner's Trophy. He will then return to getting Eiffel Tower'ed by Hill and Murdoch.
4. This man will commit suicide by any means necessary:
6. Instead of dragging his wife through the streets of Boston by her hair, Brett Myers will break a bottle of champagne over her head, then drag her through the streets of Philly by her bloody, matted mess of hair.
7. Ryan Howard will eat this:
8. Evan Longoria will get over his 1 for 20 performance in the World Series secure in the knowledge that one day, in the not too distant future, he will have redemption. He will also down multiple tequila shots out of a stripper's cleavage. That will help ease the pain.
9. Joe Maddon will regret not using David Price from the start of Game 5's second part. He will regret the mohawk on his head even more. But most of all, he will regret looking like a douchebag all season with those stupid glasses.
10. Thousands of Phillies will make personal promises not to boo the team next year no matter what happens. Then they will realize they are lying, eat a cheesesteak, watch Sixth Sense and bemoan the insufficiency of the black QB at the helm of the Eagles.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
The Next 24 Hours Will Be Interesting
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Quite Possibly the Funniest Video of All-Time
If you don't follow the Premier League, especially Liverpool, you probably won't find this very funny, but if your a fan, oh boy, you're in for a treat so tasty you'd swear you were eating a Zagnut. Behold Rafa, Stevie G, Carra, Michael Owen and Peter Crouch as you've never heard them before:
For some reference, here are some not hilarious interviews of each individual impersonated by the anonymous impressionist.
Rafa Benitez:
Steven Gerrard:
Jamie Carragher:
Michael Owen:
Peter Crouch:
Lots of dude on here right now. Time for a random hot chick picture. Here's a tasty picture of former jailbait, now perfectly legitimate jerk material, Hayden Panettiere:
Saturday, October 18, 2008
A Question to Mull Before Bed
Good night and good luck.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
This Is For My Own Good
There are certain things in life that perplex me and from time to time I like to collect my thoughts and compile a list of said things, whether it be people, actions or other everyday occurrences that happen during my daily routine. Often times, the perplexity that comes over me gradually evolves into downright anger. So it would be fair to say that when something boggles my mind, most likely because of abject stupidity, I can go a little bit off the deep end. Which is why my doctor suggested that I write these down in one place and not go after people with a machete imbued machine gun, like the great Anger Rampage of '03.
This list will grow in time, but for right now, it's important to release the angry through my fingers and into the keyboard. If you can't stand the nonsensical grumblings of a grouchy curmudgeon, you might want to navigate to another page.
Things that I don't understand and, therefore, piss me off
If your standing on a subway car and the door keeps trying to cut you in half lengthwise, why is it so hard to realize that you need to get the fuck off the train? It shouldn't take the not so gentle prodding of automatic metal doors to tell you that you can't fit. People need to go to their miserable jobs or escape the hellish existence of their miserable jobs and you are only holding up that important process.
Why is this type of bike available:
Yet this one is not:
That is all for right now. Keep watching this space for more venting. I can already tell it's going to be a long winter and there will be much bitching to do.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Things To Do This Weekend
No EPL this weekend thanks to those communists at FIFA and their stupid World Cup qualifiers. If I had my way, admission to the World Cup would rely entirely on which country has the hottest chicks (in the case of a tie, two hot chicks must battle in a tub of KY Jelly until their clothes fall off and they start making out. Then a winner will be chosen by random drawing.)
Luckily, there's a lot of other shit going on this weekend. Of course, you could just stay home and stare at pictures of Aubrey O'Day all day.
I'm not sure who or what Danity Kane is, but apparently this chick is involved. So that's good enough in my book.
So maybe you're not a perverted shut-in with an internet connection. Fear not, there are some other things going on. Other sporting events of note:
A Shitload of College Football - Highlights include LSU vs Florida and Texas vs Oklahoma. Or my favorite matchup: Poon of the SEC vs Every Day Should be Saturday.
Not So Much NFL - Living in New York, you get the shaft when either the Jets or Giants play Monday night or have a bye. It just so happens that the G-Men take on the Cleveland Swollen Testicles on Monday and fuck over everyone else who has cable in the country's largest city. We have the Jets at 1pm then Cowboys/Cardinals at 4pm. Great. Really pumped for that slate. Look forward to the day when the NFL stops doing its Spielberg/Lucas raping Indy impression to its fans that don't have DirecTV.
LCS - Dear Red Sox charter plane captain,
Feel free to fly into a mountain on the way back from Tampa Bay. You will be doing everyone a favor. Do your civic duty. That is all.
Beer - I've said it before, and I'll say it again, when beer is involved there are no losers.
Enjoy the next two days. And if you're one of the lucky SOBs with Monday off, I hope you step on a tack. I'm not bitter or anything.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Three Movies That I Wish To Napalm Back to the Spanish Inquisition
The title of this blog post makes no sense. It is literally impossible to napalm something, let alone a movie, back to the Spanish Inquisition. Yet, that is the insatiable urge beating through my soul right now, coursing through my veins. The blog doesn't cover movies very often, but when it does, there's no fucking around. That being the case, I would personally like to introduce these movies to Tomás de Torquemada by way of napalm, who would be undoubtedly befuddled by the moving images and sounds presented before him and immediately call the films heretics. It would be only a matter of time before these films were garroted and then burned at the stake. Then all would be right with the world again.
These are without a doubt my least favorite movies of all time. They are equally offensive to my sensibilities as a member of a civilized society, so therefore, are listed in no particular order. Should anyone associated with greenlighting any of these three rolls of a celluloid shit ever approach me, they will be cut.
Cruel Intentions (1999)
This is the only movie I've ever actually walked out on. After being dragged to the theater by my girlfriend at the time (who was on the verge of creaming herself over the thought of seeing Ryan Phillippe for almost 100 minutes), my initial expectations were not high. But I figured there was enough eye candy spread amongst Witherspoon, Gellar and Blair to make it someone palatable. How wrong I was.
If I wanted to watch privileged "teenagers" take advantage of their naive and/or virtuous contemporaries, I'd go to high school and participate in it myself. Hell, I did all the time. Corrupting sophomore girls was one of my crowing achievements in high school. No need to see it on the big screen, that was my life. Perhaps if I had stuck around long enough to see the only redeeming scene from the film, Phillippe (character name: Sebastian. Reminds me of the crab from Little Mermaid. Spent entire movie wishing crabs on everyone associated with the movie) getting run over by a car, my opinion might be higher than where it currently stands: slightly below a combination of all the different types of shit that is produced by a traveling circus. Needless to say, that's 45 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Not that I'd have done anything with it, but just knowing it's at my disposal for that time I need to run away from the amputee prostitute in a recumbent bike is great piece of mind.
Curly Sue (1991)
Just watching the trailer makes me want to beat the shit out of a mulleted James Belushi. There are literally no laughs to be had in this film, yet the trailer would have you believe that this is a family friendly movie out of the Home Alone mold. I remember watching this with my family on Movie Night and, after it mercifully ended, slapping my parents in the face for subjecting me to this horror (ed note: the preceding story might not have happened).
The shame this wretchedness has caused director John Hughes has seen him completely abandon his craft and focus entirely on writing, which is a loss for all fans of the cheesy, yet endearing, 80's flick. His pre-Curly Sue resume contains multiple quintessential 80's classics like Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Planes, Trains and Automobiles. I appreciate you going into hiding to hide from the public's cries for your Director's Guild badge, John, but enough time has passed. It's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and bring back the magic.
Mr. Baseball (1992)
Fuck this movie. It came out when I was just at that age when playing baseball over the summer was basically the only reason to suffer through the school year. So naturally, I was pretty excited to see it. Unfortunately, when I finally did, I got hit in the face with a truck load of suck. Just like Curly Sue, it's a movie that, at least from the trailer, is supposed to be a comedy. I defy you to watch this movie and laugh. You hear that...I defy you.
The best part of this entire movie is the not so subtle "Fuck you!" to Cleveland seen in the trailer. Good times. Anytime the Forest City has its name sullied, I'm down. But that isn't enough to save Tom Selleck and the rest of the international cast of thousands from my fiery wrath. You're being trashed in a fledgling blog with an audience of 3! How does that make you feel? Like you need to grow a mustache to be a real man? Pussy.