With the most sincere apologies to chicks and video games, this weekend is about sports and beer. Extrapolating on that, this weekend is about combining the viewing of sports with the drinking of beer. It's a winning combination any way you slice it. You get drunk, your team wins, the sky is the limit. You get drunk, your team losses, well, at least you're drunk and throwing things becomes more acceptable.
But what makes this weekend any different when it comes to sports and beer? There are a number of reasons, but you should need only one: the fucking NFL Divisional Playoffs. Fuck. Yes. In. My. Mouth. That's about 7-8 hours of top-notch football entertainment each day and more than enough time to get obliterated. Aim high during that time. Get fucked up. After this weekend there are only three, yes THREE, NFL games left this season. Take a moment if you need it to collect yourself after coming to that realization. We all know the Super Bowl usually sucks, so this is kind of a big deal. Might want to take advantage of it. Just some sage advice from someone who knows how painfully long the NFL off-season is.
I want to have sex with the slate of games this weekend. That probably isn't even possible, but I need to express how excited I am about watching these games. Even the NFC games. (Amazing segue countdown...3...2...1...blast off) Speaking of which, why not kickoff the predictions in Green Bay, where the NFL kicks off on Saturday.
Seattle vs Green Bay:
"We want the ball and we're going to score." Ahh, Matt Hasselbeck, you incredible clod. It's one thing to be confident. It's another to throw a pick six and single-handedly cost your team a playoff win. The irony was so delicious I ordered seconds to bring home in a doggy bag. Another interesting note, Mike Holmgren returns to the township that named a road after him with the chance to end the career of Brett Favre, who is in the early stages of the 'will I or won't I retire' game that he loves to play. Fuck you Favre, make up your mind. Your wife is a whore.Getting back to the game, the Packers have a better ground game, better receivers, a better defense and the game is at Lambeau. All signs point to an overwhelming Pack victory.
But let's not crown their asses just yet. Favre has thrown 13 INTs in his last 5 playoff games. Ball control is not part of his vocabulary, just like saying "No" to a handful of painkillers. Even if Favre does soil his bedsheets, and I think he will, the Packers still have enough talent to beat a truly mediocre Seahawks.
Prediction- Favre turns the ball over twice, but the Pack survive, beating the Seahawks 23-17.
Jacksonville vs New England-
"Immortality! Take it! It's yours!" - Brad Pitt from Troy.
It's that simple for the Patriots. They are the best team in the league. That's an irrefutable fact. It pains me to write it, but it's true. They should win this game with very little difficulty. There's not much more to say about them except that no one will be sad if there is an ebola outbreak in Boston.
On the other hand, Jacksonville has the chance to be everyone's hero. Ninety-five percent of the population outside of New England is rooting for them right now. Don Shula has promised David Garrard all the whores he can pimp if they pull off the upset. So what do you do if you're Jack of River? You sit your team down in front of a giant screen and show them this and give the following speech:
Jack Del Rio: You want that? I know you fuckers do. Well, she's waiting. She's ready to take in up the ass for you boys. But you need to do something for her first and that is to beat the living shit out of the Patriots. You do that and she's all yours.
A Whale's Vagina vs Indianapolis-
It's not funny to joke about this sort of thing, but really, if both team's buses were bombed at some point on the way to the RCA Dome, I wouldn't be sad. Actually it's quite funny to joke about it. Please, someone bomb the Chargers team bus then someone take down the Colts bus.
All joking/not-really joking aside, this game really depends on the Chargers D. If they can pressure Peyton Manning and keep the score in the 20s, they have a great chance to win. If it becomes a track meet, the advantage goes to the Colts. This is one of those games where I just hope for injuries to key players on both sides. I'll have my LT voodoo doll out and I've already hired a West African witch doctor to put a hex on Manning. I hope that was $7, 12 pieces of thread and 2 calf livers well spent.
New York Giants vs Dallas-
"Immortality! Take it! It's yours!" - Brad Pitt from Troy.It's that simple for the Patriots. They are the best team in the league. That's an irrefutable fact. It pains me to write it, but it's true. They should win this game with very little difficulty. There's not much more to say about them except that no one will be sad if there is an ebola outbreak in Boston.
On the other hand, Jacksonville has the chance to be everyone's hero. Ninety-five percent of the population outside of New England is rooting for them right now. Don Shula has promised David Garrard all the whores he can pimp if they pull off the upset. So what do you do if you're Jack of River? You sit your team down in front of a giant screen and show them this and give the following speech:
Jack Del Rio: You want that? I know you fuckers do. Well, she's waiting. She's ready to take in up the ass for you boys. But you need to do something for her first and that is to beat the living shit out of the Patriots. You do that and she's all yours. Prediction- If Del Rio pulls the Scar-Jo inspirational speech, Jags win 42-10. If he doesn't Patriots take this one handily, 31-13 and emasculate the entire Jacksonville franchise in the process.
A Whale's Vagina vs Indianapolis-
It's not funny to joke about this sort of thing, but really, if both team's buses were bombed at some point on the way to the RCA Dome, I wouldn't be sad. Actually it's quite funny to joke about it. Please, someone bomb the Chargers team bus then someone take down the Colts bus.All joking/not-really joking aside, this game really depends on the Chargers D. If they can pressure Peyton Manning and keep the score in the 20s, they have a great chance to win. If it becomes a track meet, the advantage goes to the Colts. This is one of those games where I just hope for injuries to key players on both sides. I'll have my LT voodoo doll out and I've already hired a West African witch doctor to put a hex on Manning. I hope that was $7, 12 pieces of thread and 2 calf livers well spent.
Prediction- I honestly could give two shits about this game. Whatever the outcome, I'm going to be unhappy. But seeing as how this is a prediction post, I guess I should venture a guess: Colts 38-28 over the Bolts, with the number of Fletchinator frowns toppling the 50 mark.
New York Giants vs Dallas-
This should be the most entertaining game of the weekend. Two heated division rivals. Two questionable coaches. Two giant gaping vaginas (see above). I'm not sure what I'm more pumped for: the game itself, or the inevitable shots of J. Simpson in the crowd sporting her gay/pink Tony Romo jersey. Can't wait for that!Checking out the sides heading into the game, the Giants have the momentum...and the Giants...hmmm...the Giants...fuck it..here is another gratuitous Jessica Simpson shot:
People, people. Try to stay focused here. I know that you're here for some hard-hitting and insightful anal sex...er, analysis and that's what you're going to get. Giants have a lot of advantages heading into the game. They are the hotter and, more importantly, healthier team. It's difficult to beat a team three times in one season, even when your most potent offensive weapon is healthy. It really boils down to whether or not Eli Manner has any testicles. If he plays like he did against Tampa Bay, the Giants stand a chance. If he plays like the Eli we all know and love to throw rocks and Molotov Cocktails out, the Giants are fucked six ways from Sunday.
Prediction- Cowboys eke out a close win 24-21 after Manning throws a pick on the Giants final drive.
Now go out and enjoy yourself this weekend. You have haven't earned it, but pretend you have.
1 comment:
fuck you patriots & randy moss.
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