About 30 minutes left before kickoff in Merseyside derby (aka Liverpool vs Everton) and the stakes have rarely been higher. The Reds hold a 2-point lead over their city rivals for the all important fourth spot and Champions League qualification. A win here is vital for the Pool as they try to regain some of the confidence they had before getting bitch slapped and donkey punched simultaneously by Manchester United last weekend. With a trio of games against Arsenal in the next fortnight, it is imperative that the Reds get back to winning ways. No better way to do it than to roll over Everton.
The old saying goes familiarity breeds contempt. No other Premier League game has produced more red cards over the decades. Fans aren't to fond of each other, either. Might have something to do with the fact that the stadiums are about a mile apart.
You just know that the walk across Stanley Park is one filled with hooliganism. I need to get in on that. I'm secretly bummed that the whole hooligan movement never really migrated to America. Drats. Oh well. Almost kick off. Time to musk up.
Programming note: The Mighty Buntaro is making his triumphant return to the color commentary booth. So be on the look out for his pithy comments.
First Half - Team news: Liverpool comes out with Riise in the left back position. That should be interesting. Other news that warrants mentioning : Lucas is in for the suspended Monster Masch, who lost his mind in the Man U game. Everton comes out with Yakubu as the lone striker. It will be interesting to see how they manage without Tim Cahill. He has a busted foot and is out for the rest of the season. Pussy.
1:00 - Arteta lets loose a speculative shot with his left foot from 25 yards out. Meat and potatoes for Reina. Here is hoping the bald Spaniard rebounds from a bad outing against United.
One note: Liverpool is attacking the Kop end in the first half. Just thought I'd point out for anyone following along.
5:38 - Babel stretching his legs as he chases a Lucas pass down the left flank. His cross goes out for a throw. He is fast.
6:30 - GOAL!!!! The legend spreads! Nando collects the ball after Everton fails to clear and scores passed an onrushing Tim Howard. I am in love with this man. I want to have his babies. Or at least have him impregnate my girlfriend.
8:16 - Lee Carsley sees yellow for a vicious tackle on Nando. He could have seen red. Probably should have seen red. Free kick to the Pool...pulled wide by Stevie G.
From the Mighty B: i expect you have a boner right now Seriously Torres has perfected the slide kick i feel half his goals have been scored this way
Torres has scored in 6 consecutive home games. That is the sort of thing that endears a player to the fans. And it's safe to say that he has endeared himself quite nicely.
11:45 - Everton have been unable to settle. No doubt the goal didn't help. Babel again causing headaches down the left. Cross is headed out for a corner. Ball cleared to Riise who wastes the opportunity by trying an audacious volley from 30 yards. Probably not the best option there, Ginger Legend.
15:18 - Torres and Gerrard might be in a relationship. Or at least living together unbeknownst to the public. They work so well together it's ridiculous. Dirk Kuyt has a volley deflected back to him and then a follow up saved by Tim Howard. This is good stuff from the Pool. They are in the mood today, very much to my enjoyment.
20:00 - Great opening 20 minutes for the Reds. They have been in control from the start and have a deserved goal. Everton has yet to threaten.
21:36 - Just like that, Everton wins a corner. The inswinger is headed out of danger by the giant Finn, Hyypia.
Comments from the Mighty B (who is on IM right now):
That ref is jacked
Benitez wearing his lucky red tie
so far..... working well.
uhh, torres kind of looks like a girl
he needs to cut those locks
I don't want think Nando needs to change a thing. He could come out sporting a dreads and a braided beard and I would still pop boners like Hugh Hefner on 34 Viagra pills.
24:00 - Kuyt misses a header from a corner kick. Tough chance, but no excuse for a complete whiff. Maybe he is distracted by the prospects of a Goonies sequel.
27:25 - It's contagious! Babel misses a header from a looping cross from Riise. Ugh, that was a great chance. Lay out sir! Get your jersey dirty.
30:30 - Liverpool with a dangerous free kick after Torres is dragged down. Let's see what Gerrard can conjure up. A level 70 elemental spell! A terrific free kick. But the ball is headed out off an Everton defnder.
32:45 - Interesting control by Babel. Under minimal pressure, he decides that the best move is to kick the bal out of bounds. Hmm, might want to work on that in the offseason, Tower of.
34:40 - Gerrard hassling the defenders incessantly. Like that, the crowd erupts into Stevie's song. I'd like to have 40000 people starting singing about me one day. I guess that will have to wait until Unsanitary Napkin makes it to the big time.
37:20 - Dangerous free kick from Arteta. Lescott heads it goalwards, possibly handled by Hyypia. Cleared to Babel, who tries but can't beat the defender. Replay shows that Hyypia did not commit a hand ball. Take that Everton, lousy cheats.
39:32 - From a Reina clearance, ball headed down to Gerrard. The Liverpool captain unleashes a venomous volley that beats Howard, but strikes the center of the goal post and rockets out of danger. Almost a classic goal. Liverpool unlucky to not be up by more than one.
45:20 - Liverpool continue to pile on the pressure at the end of the half. Kuyt pushes a volley wide, Riise has a thunderbolt deflected wide, Hyypia glances a header wide. Great stuff from the Reds. It's been a wonderful half for Liverpool. But they need to get another goal to make sure the deed is done. There's is the halftime whistle. I'm going to grab a bagel.
Trying to find a sexy photo of Nando's girlfriend. Not having much luck. Here is a bunch of pictures. Apparently they are teenage sweethearts. Good to see that he hasn't been corrupted by English WAGS and prostitutes.
The Mighty B's firt half take:
Everton are not playing well they're better than this
Liverpool are playing well
even Kuyt is showing signs of normalcy... i expected more of a retarded play from him
Gripping stuff from Buntaro.
2nd Half - Outstanding bagel. Really hit the spot. Hopefully Liverpool will hold on to the lead and I won't have to throw up the freshly digested food.
48:16 - Everton corner, punched clear by Reina. Babel hacked down hard by Pineaar, who is justly shown a yellow card. Dirtbag.
51:02 - Not much happening in the first five minutes of the second half, Liverpool have yet to replicate the tempo of the first half and Everton still have yet to seriously mount any ongoing pressure.
53:30 - "Feed the Yak" is apparently what Everton need to do. Great little motto there.
56:45 - Lucas is struggling to do anything right at the moment. In the past three minutes, he has given the ball away multiple times and been knocked to the ground. We might see him suckling a zipper in the near future.
57:30 - The spotty play from Lucas continues as his clumsy challenge gives Everton a free kick. Arteta's service is terrible and the ball is easily cleared. The play conintues and Everton get another free kick in almost exactly the same spot. This time Arteta's cross is perfect. Leon Osman's header goes wide. Thankfully. Reina was rooted to the spot. Had that been on net, we would have a tie game. Maybe that will spur the Reds back to life.
60:25 - Yakubu almost through on goal after turning Skrtel. Terrible dive from Yakubu. That is shameful, yet somehow he escapes without being booked. Ronaldo would be proud of those theatrics.
63:01 - The offensive struggles continue for the Reds. They cannot get anything started going forward. It is looking more and more likely that Everton might nip a goal here, which would cause me to punch something. The likely targets are some near by pillows or my thigh. I'm hoping it doesn't come to that.
66:59 - I would love to see a competition to see who is more incompetent when it comes to crosses: Kuyt or Babel. I realize that they are playing out of position, but seriously, how hard is it to pick out a teammate once in a while?
68:05 - I will no longer mention Liverpool corners in this space, as they undoubtedly never lead to goals. See you in hell, corner kicks.
70:45 - The importance of a second goal cannot be overstated. With a Champions League game this week against Arsenal, another tally would put the game away and allow Rafa to take off a couple of key players for some additional rest. That's looking less and less likely at the moment.
74:10 - I envision a lot of standing for the rest of the game. Nervousness is creeping in. Crowd is getting restless. Great, that's really how I wanted this to play out. Might be a good idea to get a sub in soon.
77:55 - Completely unrelated note: the bottom of my chin hurts for some reason. Really a strange feeling I can't recall what I did to cause this. Unlike most Sundays, I might shower today.
The Mighty B has fallen silent in the second half, presumably because of his quest for the world's most delicious frozen mozzarella stick.
81:50 - The Scientist has come in to replace Babel. Like most of this attacking teammates, Babel was virtually silent in the second stanza.
83:00 - Seven minutes ago and it's hard to see Liverpool summoning a flurry to kill off the game. They seem to be more comfortable with soaking up the pressure. I'm not comfortable with that. Think of the fans for once!
85:55 - Yak is causing problems in the box. He chests down the ball and tries to fire a shot. Skrtel hoofs it behind the goal for a corner. Everton pouring people into the box. Everton is able to retain possession after Liverpool clear their lines.
87:11 - Wow, almost a great strike by Kuyt. His curling shot from just outside the box is inches wide. That looked destined for the top corner. Nando picks up a silly yellow card for kicking the ball after a stoppage. Uncharacteristic lack of composure from the young Iberian.
89:04 - Jermaine Pennant replaces Torres. We are into the final minute of regular time and Liverpool have no strikers on the pitch. It's safe to say that they have adopted a defensive strategy. Although the move almost pays immediate dividends. Gerrard controls Reina's goal kick and unleashes a pulsating drive that Howard has to stretch to reach.
91:00 - One minute into extra time. Oh I forgot that Kuyt was in. He is a striker. Just not a very good one. Everton continue to press forward.
92:14 - Final minute, free kick to Liverpool in the Everton half. Crouch in for Gerrard. This looks like it is in the bag. Not enough time for Everton to counter, you would have to believe.
There it is! Final whistle. Liverpool hold on to win 1-0 and further solidify their 4th place position. The second half was devoid of any passion and inspiration for Liverpool but a win is a win, especially when it comes in a derby. They will have to be better if they have any hope of progressing past Arsenal in the Champions League.
The Mighty B's final thought:
Crouch played a TREMENDOUS game
that 1st and only touch of his proved vital in this epic victory
Damn right, Mighty B. Damn right.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Battle on the River Mersey (Live Blog)
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Huzzah! Baseball Has Begun...Part 2
Scroll down for part one of this informative look at the upcoming baseball season. Somewhere Rob Neyer cringes. Eighteen teams down, twelve to go. No need to beat around the bush, time to get to it.
The Would-Be Contenders - Blue Jays, Phillies, Cubs, Padres, Rockies and Angels
Let me introduce you to Kelly Carlson. She is pretty much all you could ask for in a woman. Yet, outside of Nip/Tuck fans, who really knows about her? Why has she flown under the radar for so long? I don't have a legitimate answer to that question. I wish I did because I'd love to see this tight little package get some more publicity but for some reason, it just isn't happening. How does her relative anonymity connect with the six ball clubs I listed before? Simple: on their day, they can beat anyone, just like Carlson can out-hot anyone. But by the end of the season, for whatever reason, they are going to come up just short of the ultimate goal. Sure, a couple might sneak into the playoffs, but I can't see any of these squads winning it all just as, much to my chagrin, I can't see Carlson pulling in the lead role in an upcoming blockbuster. Maybe it's a weak bullpen, or an untimely injury or a refusal to do full-frontal that holds them back. Whatever it is, they just can't match the star power of the next group. Speaking of...
The 2nd in Command - Mets, Diamondbacks and Indians
These are great teams. And Megan Fox is a great looking woman. Each could very well win the World Series and she could very well be the hottest chick on the face of the earth. But, there are still three teams that I think are better and one chick who I think is hotter. We will get to them in a second.
It's hard to find a flaw here. But if I dig deep enough, I can uncover the slightest of chinks in the armor. See for yourself:
Mets - Great offense, solid top of the rotation, good bullpen. But question marks over Pedro's health and the fourth and fifth starters.
D-backs - Best rotation in the NL. Young, exciting offense. Can they replace Jose Valverde? That remains to be seen.
Indians - Rock solid offense and one of the best bullpens in baseball, even with Joe Borowski's 5+ ERA. But will C.C. and Fausto give the team 200 innings again? And is Paul Byrd really winning 15 games again? Hmm.
Megan Fox - Unbelievable face/body. Sexy wavy hair. Only one notable film credit to her name and already has gone under the knife. Does she have any longevity?
These are all minor quibbles, but are the difference between being second best and being the cream of the crop. Which leads me to the final troika (another great segue).
The Teams to Beat - Red Sox, Tigers and Yankees
Enjoy the season everyone.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Holy Crow...Baseball Starts When? Part 1
First off, I'd like to take a moment to apologize to the loyal fans out there who missed me last week. There probably is a good excuse for the lack of blogs the past seven days, but I'm not going to shit on your pancakes and call it maple syrup. The bottom line: I was lazy. Sorry. Let's leave the past in the past and move forward.
Speaking of moving forward, anyone else realize that baseball starts tomorrow at 6am? That caught me a little off guard. I knew the Red DoucheCox (see what I did there? I changed Sox with DoucheCox! Tee hee!) and the A's were kicking things off in the Land of the Rising Sun, but the suddenness of it all caught me with my pants around my ankles. And not in the "funny romantic misunderstanding" way, but in the "you're about to get ass-pillaged by a Norseman" way.
That being said, here is a hastily thrown together ranking of teams. The difference between this list and 99% of the "expert's picks" you will see elsewhere, is that I have categorized the teams into groups of six, with each sextet represented by a female. The hotter the chick that represents the group, the better the teams and so on and so forth. You've been around the interwebs before, you get the drill.
The Turd-Covered Biscuits: Orioles, Giants, Pirates, Nationals, Royals and Rangers
Here we have the lowest of the low, the dregs of the league, the shit on the bottom of the shoe. I'd rather not waste valuable finger movements on writing about this group. These teams are garbage and have few, if any, redeeming qualities. Even for fantasy purposes avoid theses teams at all cost. For the fans of these lowly franchises, I can only suggest watching a hippo diarrhea as a remedy for the pain these teams will inflict this summer.
The Not-S0-Fast Boy-ohs: Rays, Marlins, Reds, A's, Astros and White Sox
That's Natasha Lyonne. You might remember her from such films as American Pie and The Slums of Beverly Hills. At her peak, she was decent. Probably would need 16-19 beers before approaching her, but still decent. After sliding on up to her, you strike up a conversation and buy a few shots. Next thing you know, you're sucking face in the men's bathroom with this meth junkie who, by some freak of nature, happens to be sporting a not-so-flaccid 11-inch cock (ed. note - previous statement might be embellished). That's Natasha Lyonne in a nutshell. That's those teams in a nutshell, as well. At their best, they might be serviceable, but fear their worst. For the love of God, fear their worst.
The Almost-Theres: Twins, Dodgers, Cardinals, Brewers, Braves and Mariners
God, these teams are close. Just like Miley Cyrus, they are almost ready to shed their 'teaser' persona and step up to the big time. Some days, these teams look like world beaters, cocks of the walk, if you will. You find yourself thinking: There has to be grass on that playing field, right? Then you realize that it's too early to have those thoughts, those shameful, perverse thoughts. They are still young and there is a lot of growing up that needs to be done. But one thing sticks out in the back of your mind like a twig jammed into two feet of Kentucky mud: they might not get any better than right now. You are just going to have to wait and see. Definitely the most frustrating type of team to root for. Sucks for you. Only thing left to do is finish growing that kid-toucher moustache.
Check back tomorrow for part 2 of the MLB preview. Guaranteed hotter chicks or else your next blog post is on me. Here is a sneak peak of what you might expect to find:
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Live Blog #2 - Liverpool vs Reading
Last week was such a rousing success I decided to give it another shot with the live blog. Today's match: Liverpool vs Reading, live from Anfield.
Team news: Liverpool have really nailed down a starting 11 it seems. Torres, Kuyt, Babel, Gerrard, Monster Masch seem to always be in the squad now. No complaints here. Xabi Alonso is back from watching the birth of his out of wedlock child. Congrats! Apparently, there is no such thing as birth control in Europe. Reina in goal, Carra, Skrtel in the central D. Fabio A and Arbeloa on the flanks.
00:21 - And we're off. Right away, Fabio gives the ball away and Reading crosses...Great start. I love turnovers 10 seconds into the game.
3:30 - Nando is looking for his 20th Prem goal of the season...A feat last achieved by Robbie Fowler in the 1990's. Let's have a moment of silence for a Liverpool legend. And celebrate the best goal celebration of all time:
4:19 - Corner kick-esque free kick for Reading. GOAL!!! Some dude, I can't pronounce his name or spell it (Matejovski?), scores his first goal for Reading with an incredible one-time blast from outside the box. I'm stunned. 1-0 to Reading. Shit, that sucks. Reading looking for the double over the Reds.
7:24 - Xabi Alonso fouled outside the Reading box. This will be an inviting chance for Stevie G. Can he hit back? A resounding no, as they try some passing nonsense and the eventual shot it is deflected.
10:00 - Babel in to the box, crosses to Nando. Ball out for a corner. Nothing doing, Reading clear.
12:22 - Nando is through from a Gerrard pass, but Marcus Hahnemann (sp?) is out quickly to deny the Spaniard. Big stop for the big, bald American.
14:27 - Terrible pass from Kuyt to stall a prospective break. Never a good thing when Sloth from the Goonies is playing for your team.
18:48 - MONSTER MASCH!!! GOAL!!! 1-1. His first ever for the Reds. Dekes around his defender and unleashes hell from his right boot. Just outside the box, his 20-yard cracker curls inside the right post and into the back of the net. A pulsating blast. Game on!
22:40 - Matejovski with the high boot about 30 yards out. This is a tasty distance for Stevie. Let's see what he can conjure up. Fabio is also standing around. I hope he doesn't go near it. Well, Fabio does and produces one of the most embarrassing free kicks of I've seen in a long time. I love throwing away decent chances. Just like I enjoy getting kicked in the junk.
26:38 - A little room for Babel, who tries his luck from outside the box. His effort is well wide and he quickly lapses into a dark, gloomy depression.
29:15 - Babel has one of the hardest shots in the leagues. I have no proof of that, but after watching almost every Liverpool game this season, I say that with confidence. Anyway, blasts another ferocious drive, but its saved.
29:49 - GOAL!!! NO. Waved off. Babel got his head on a Gerrard cross and drove it into the goal, but he was judged to be offsides. Looking at the replays, it was a good call.
32:19 - Good interplay by Liverpool outside of the box. Arbeloa feeds in a low cross to Kuyt who volleys narrowly over the goal. One-Eyed Willy looks on from his long forgotten pirate galleon with disgust.
34:57 - Bloodied, Arbeloa must leave the pitch. Obviously, the Woodsman was grazed by a wayward ax or saw. He returns a moment later, hopefully with a tetanus booster.
37:37 - Liverpool applying constant pressure, but not making much progress. Just as I type that Kuyt and the Woodsman work a 1-2 and get a corner out of it. First attempt is cleared behind the goal by Reading. Number 2 leads to nothing either. I can't recall the last time Liverpool scored on a corner kick. It's been a while maybe longer than Alan Smith goal drought. Burn!
40:44 - Announcer just used the term "Over-egging the pudding." A great phrase that I'm immediately bringing stateside.
43:35 - Perhaps a final flurry from Liverpool. Nice jinking run by Babel leads to a corner, but once again it is cleared without much difficulty.
45:25 - After a Reading turnover deep in their zone, Alonso tries an audacious left footed volley that surprises a stranded Hahnemann (sp?). A narrow miss; just a yard wide from being one of the top goals of the season.
HT - All tied at 1. Two great individual goals from each side should ensure that the final 45 minutes are as enthralling as the first. Judging from the way the final minutes of the half played out, I can't see Liverpool not scoring again, but stranger things have happened. Back after a bowl of Apple Jacks.
2nd Half kickoff - The Apple Jacks were kind of a let down. I didn't really have enough for a full bowl, so I tried to drag out half a bowl into something that it wasn't, ruining the experience completely. My Saturday is in shambles.
47:30 - NANDO NANDO NANDO!!!! GOAL! Free kick clipped in by Gerrard, Nando with a fairly open header perfectly place in the bottom left corner of the goal. 2-1 Liverpool. 20 league goals for Torres. +5 to the Boner Counter. We are over 1000 ladies and gentlemen. When I'm old, no need for Viagra. Just load a couple of Nando videos on YouTube v.42 and let nature takes its course.
54:33 - Babel decides to take on the entire Reading defense and manages to win a corner. Short corner taken, Kuyt wins a header, but directs it wide.
56:24 - Blatant dive by Monster Masch, but he gets away with it. Ronaldo would be proud.
61:55 - Great feed from Nando to Babel. Step-over from the Tower, beats his defender but blasts over the crossbar. God that would have been sweet and could have killed off the game. Alas, that will have to wait.
63:15 - We almost didn't have to wait long. Wayward back pass from Reading almost gifts Stevie G a goal. But Hahnemann was quick off his line to deny the marauding Gerrard.
68:10 - Weird stoppage in play. The ref just blew the whistle. Something went down, maybe a streaker? No, it was Skrtel. He had somehow managed to tumble over the advertising panels on the sidelines and they were letting him come back into play. That was generous, but lest we forget: he is Skeletor, he doesn't need any handouts.
72:07 - 35-yard pile driver from Fabio. Rebound headed goal wards by Nando, but just wide. That would have been something special from Fabio. You can sense another goal is coming.
73:14 - Kuyt, obviously on the same wavelength as me, tries his best to give Liverpool a two goal advantage. Unfortunately, his best sucks so he slices his shot way wide.
76:32 - Reading showing some life and I'm starting to get a little nervous...Can Liverpool hold on in these last 15 minutes? The fucking better or else I might just pack it in for the day.
77:50 - Gerrard and Bikke are in each other faces after a slight nudge from Bikke brought down Gerrard. That was intense. Almost a headbutt situation, luckily it didn't come to that and cooler heads prevail.
80:07 - Dirk comes out of the game, replaced by the Scientist. We can only assume that he is going to spend some quality time with Chunk. Game still very much in doubt and I'm starting to dread the worst. Please do not let Reading nip a point here.
82:25 - Ginger Legend comes in for Babel. Rafa trying to shore up the defense and try to hit Reading on a counter attack. This will be an anxious last 5 or so minutes.
87:30 - Liverpool backing off right now, looking to soak up the Reading pressure. I appreciate their willingness to make me sweat it out.
88:50 - Alonso in an acre of space with a chance to kill the game, but he fires well wide and well high. We can only assume that he baby is keeping him up at nights. Into the final minute of regular time.
90:00 - 4 minutes of extra time...Seems like a lot. But what do I know, I've only been watching the entire game.
91:35 - Free kick for Reading in a promising position. I'm going to be heated if they score here. Dave Kitson volleys from a really good free kick. Blocked by Gerrard behind the goal. Corner punched clear. Liverpool can't break cleanly though. Less than 60 seconds left.
93:34 - Final throw of the dice by Reading. Hahnemann has joined into the attack. Long free kick upcoming for Reading with everyone single player in the box. Vital that Liverpool win this header...They don't but Reina is able to collect the ball. The Reading goal is empty and Alonso tries his luck from 75 yards. Close, but no own-side goals for the new father. There it is, the final whistle! Liverpool hold on to win 2-1.
Another match winner from Liverpool's record buy, Fernando Torres and a gritty home win. Those are the type of games that they will need to keep winning as they try to solidify 4th place.
Fletchinator's live blog record is now 2-0. I'll keep this up until they lose.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Celebrating The Most Absurdly Outrageous Movie of All-Time
That, ladies and germs, is a movie poster for the most absurdly outrageous movie of all-time. If your mind is too blown by Arnold Schwarzenegger's right bicep to read the title, worry not, I will assist. It's called "Commando." Released in 1985 and the pinnacle of Arnold's jacked/badassness, Commando not only takes no prisoner, it starts wars just for the sake of taking no prisoners. I'm not going to go through a plot description. Why? Because there is no fucking plot. It's just Arnold killing people who fucked up his shit. Don't think Arnold has charisma? He fucks charisma up in this movie with a bowie knife.
If you are a man, or a masculine woman, see this movie now. I defy you to not to enjoy this 90-minute mule pummeling (one step ahead of ass kicking).
Here is a list of reason's why this movie is so unbelievably awesome:
1) The character Arnold plays in this movie is named John Matrix. Seriously, what kind of last name is Matrix? A fucking awesome one, that's what. It's not as over-the-top as Sledgehammer or Fucksupshit but just as potent. The only downside of having Matrix as a last name is that if you have any offspring who aren't as badass, it just sounds ridiculous. Take for example, John's daughter, Jenny Matrix (played by a spirited Alyssa Milano). Can you imagine how embarrassing it must be for her on the first day of school? And I thought "The Fletchinator" was a bad last named. That's nothing compared to Matrix. No wonder why she turned out to be such a slut in Commando 2, released in 1998 in my mind.
2) Commando's opening credits are absolutely hilarious. It's a "father loves daughter" montage cheesier than an elephant's smegma. But even its unbelievably hackneyed clips show a certain amount of badassness. Take for example the shot of Matrix and his daughter hand feeding a doe. Are you serious? When was the last time you were within 5 feet of a deer? They are the most skittish animals on the planet. That's why there is a challenge in hunting them; you aren't supposed to just walk up and be able to feed it. Yet, Matrix can pull it off. I can only assume that the doe is either heavily sedated or literally so fucking scared of how jacked Matrix is that it submits to his will.
3) Bennett. I'm not sure any villain in the history of movies has ever not been assumed gay when donning a chain mail vest and fingerless leather gloves. Bennett is no exception. For someone who was supposedly an elite covert-op military agent, he sure has let himself go. But still, you have got to give the man credit. Somehow he is able to hold his own against Matrix and even takes getting electrocuted in stride. Not many men could get up from that. What he has in brawn, he definitely lacks in brains, as we will discuss shortly.
4) The one liners in Commando are simply amazing. I've never seen a movie with better quips. Here is a sampling of some of Matrix's classics:
"You're a funny man, Sully, I like you. That's why I'm going to kill you last."
"I eat Green Berets for breakfast and right now I'm very hungry."
"Because all fucking hell is going to break loose."
To plane: "Come on you piece of shit, fly or die!" (note: Matrix actually scared an inanimate object into life)
I could to go, but I don't want to deprive anyone the thrill, and hilarity, of hearing these gems for the first time.
5) SPOILER ALERT - Only read on if you have already seen the movie or you want to know how Matrix kills Bennett.
The final fight scene does a great job of encapsulating the absurdity of this movie. The setting is an underground bunker/power plant/pipe facility located at least 25 feet below a mansion built on a small island off the coast of California. Naturally, that's where you'd expect to find such a complex. Anyway, Matrix enters looking for his daughter, while Bennett waits.
See for yourself how things go down:
Bennett is a fucking idiot. He has about 4 or 5 golden opportunities to kill Matrix. Instead he gets sucked into a macho pissing contest. If he had been paying attention to what was going on around him, he would have realized that Matrix had just killed about 500 armed men by himself. Engaging him in a one-on-one knife fight probably isn't a great idea. To top it off, he gets a fucking pipe thrown through his body. Some good that chain mail did, you bumbling homoerotic douchecock.
Right now I feel like I could throw a pipe through Bennett's chest. Just need to start working on witty one-liners and doing more than just 12-ounce curls.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Live Blog: Liverpool vs Newcastle
This is a first for me, a live blog. Let's see how it goes. I'll try to keep this as updated as possible then go back following the game to fix up any errors and to intersperse some pictures of hot chicks.
Pregame: Reporting live from the Fletchinator Dungeon of Sorrows, I'm the Fletchinator. Joining me should be the Mighty Buntaro, but I'm not sure where he is right now. It should make for an interesting commentary box, as I'm a die-hard Liverpool fan and he is a long-suffering member of the Toon Army. This should be interesting.
They are showing a nifty Liverpool montage, chock full of the amazing Fernando Torres and I think I just felt a little twitch in my groin. Yep, the Nando Boner counter just jumped up by 1. Meanwhile, following that montage, they flashed some of the recent Newcastle lowlights. My God, it's been a long time since they have won a game. They have been dreadful some weeks. Poor Kevin Keegan. As a Liverpool legend, I wish nothing but the best for him, but I think he is going to have to wait another week to end the winless streak.
Team News: Liverpool - Big week ahead for the Reds. They travel to Milan to see if they can hold on to a 2-0 advantage in the Champs. League and the team sheet reflects that. Monster Masch is out with an injury knock, Skrtel is in the back with Carra. Yossi "The Scientist" is in, as is Lucas and Jermaine Pennett. Well, there goes stability. I guess Rafa was tired of winning games easily with Babel on the left win. Nando is up front by himself, but Gerrard will slot in behind him in an attacking midfield role. Not really my favorite formation, but at least the gaffer didn't rotate out Stevie-G and Nando.
Newcastle: Smith and Owen up front. That's a potent partnership. To throw rocks at. Alan Smith hasn't scored in a generation. The analysts think that Duff and Milner will cause problems. We will get the Mighty B's thoughts on that when he sits his ass down on the couch.
Kickoff: And we are off, L'pool going from right to left, meaning that they will be attacking the Kop end in the second half. Always a good sign.
3:30 - Gerrand and Nando play a nice little one-two in the box. Amounts to nothing but nice to know that they are thinking about each other. I can't wait to name my first child, regardless of sex, Nando Stevie-G Fletchinator.
6:24 - Skrtel was just tossed into the ads behind the goal by Michael Owen. Dick. You can't do that to Skeletor, aka Squirt Squirt Skrtel.
7:30 - Corner to the Magpies. First threatening action from them. N'Zog to take, punched by Pepe Reina. That looked awkward. But Liverpool clear.
9:00 - Hopes are not high for the Mighty B, who has joined me but is barely paying attention to the game. Right now his major concern is figuring out where the m'fing box is to send the m'fing broken Xbox back to those greedy m'fers at Microsoft.
10:12 - Nando streaking down the right flank. Cuts in, shoots...Saved by Steve Harper. Results in a corner that comes to nothing. Almost had another addition to the Nando Boner counter. Can't wait to break the 1k mark this season.
14:00 - Almost 15 minutes into the game and Michael Owen has not touched the ball. Mighty B is focused on his smoothie right now.
16:15 - Good play outside the box by Liverpool. Riise with the cross, but Nando can't reach the header and Toon clear their lines and break. And somehow get a corner at the other end. First comment from the Mighty B about the strike partnership, "Why is Smith is in? He hasn't scored in 2 years. It's one thing to keep a guy in after 10 games and say 'He is due' but this is a completely different thing. When was the last time he scored? I might have been in college."
18:24 - Gerrard with a speculative shot. Easily held by Harper. Last week one of those took a bounce of the Bolton goalie, Jussi Juskalaanen's (sp?) face and into the goal. A strange goal indeed.
20:44 - L'pool corner, takes a deflection in the box, but amounts to nothing. Torres tracks back to snuff out a counter attack. Love the dedication.
23:39 - Newcastle break, Owen's shot deflected. I needed that to wake me up a little. Not much happening right now.
24:45 - Free kick to Newcastle outside the box on the right wing. A position of genuine menace but a terrible kick. Mighty B's take "It's okay, I still love you, N'Zog." Then goes back to trying to pronounce "Niko Kranjaer (sp?)"
28:22 - Lucas goes down in the box, not a penalty but any chance, but the Reds keep possession and get a free kick on the right. Gerrard's service is punched away by Harper. The Mighty B is disgusted that "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" grossed over $100 million.
30:00 - Faye with a sloppy back pass goes out of bounds, corner kick. Nothing. Ugh. Not pretty. England manager Fabio Capello is in attendance. He is not pleased. But then again, he is displeased when getting head, too. Or so I hear.
32:30 - Pennent down the right flank. Out for a corner. Hopefully this will be better. But it isn't. Harper catches and initiates a Newcastle attack. Which of course, leads to nothing. And the midfield attrition continues. Pardon me while I watch paint dry.
35:15 - Nice interception by The Woodman, Arbeloa, and is fouled. Kick free kick taken, Gerrard shoots, saved by Harper. That was cheeky.
36:25 - Good pressure from the Reds. Hasn't amounted to much. The Ginger Legend unleashes a half-cross/half-shot that accomplishes nothing besides giving the ball away. Riise has really sucked this year. There I said it. He has been one of the worst regulars this season. I never thought I would long for Fabio Aurelio, but right now I find myself longing for a man named Fabio.
38:11 - The Mighty Buntaro just gave me an abridged version of Chevy Chase's biography. It's safe to say he is less than enthralled with this game. He is now onto Natalie Portman.
41:05 - Gerrard with a bursting run into the box, gets clipped by Jose Enrique, but doesn't get the call and the ball goes out for goal kick. The Mighty B is much more impressed with Portman's schooling than his team right now. I'm not sure he could name the starting 11. Confidence is not high for the Toon Army right now.
42:45 - UNBELIEVABLE GOAL!!! 1-0 Liverpool. Nando plays in Pennant, but Jose Enrique gets there first. He tries to clear, but it deflects right off Pennant's shin and loops in over Harper's head and into the goal. Outrageous turn of events and completely unfair to Newcastle. Meanwhile, James Milner limps off the field injured and is replaced by Geremi. The season of misery continues.
45:00 - AND ANOTHER!!! 2-0 Liverpool. One-two with Nando and Gerrard around midfield releases Stevie down the left flank. He plays a perfect cross to Torres, who dummies Harper to the ground, rounds him, jizzes on his face and slots home into an open net. He just can't stop scoring. 25th goal of the season for Nando, 19th in the Prem. Boner Counter is up to 933. We might top the 1000 mark this game.
Halftime score: 2-0 Liverpool. Unfortunate turn of events for Newcastle who defended bravely for the first 40 minutes of the half. Things fell apart at the end of the half. You can't see Newcastle coming back from this. The Mighty B is not happy right now. I must ice my fingers.
Second Half kickoff: Not much of a halftime. Mighty B might not be long for this game. He mentioned how he needs to take a shower. Perhaps to wash off the stink of this performance.
46:35 - Mighty B bemoaning the lack of leadership at Newcastle. He offers a pointed criticism of Joey Barton and Michael Owen. Their spokesmen denied comment.
50:15 - GOALLLL!!! Nando returns the favor to Gerrard, who is released by the Spaniard, clips it over Harper and into the goal! 3-0 to the Reds. And it gets worse for Magpies. The Mighty B has accepted that Newcastle has a relegation battle on their hands.
54:25 - Newcastle has the spirit of a dying mule. I haven't seen a team this dispirited since...well I can't really think of one. Let's just say that morale is at an all time low. It looks like the Newcastle players would rather have their scrotums shorn with sandpaper than play the remainder of this game.
56:11 - Not sure where the Newcastle defense is, but Liverpool almost scored 2 more goals off the foot of Gerrard. This could get ugly soon. The one thing going for Newcastle is that Liverpool is likely to take off Nando and Gerrard with the big trip to Inter in a couple of days.
59:45 - The Mighty B is going off on Alan Smith. Some choice tidbits: "He shouldn't even be in the Prem. He doesn't fucking do anything. I could score more goals then him, I should be in the Prem."
62:48 - The barrage of corners continues. This is getting out of hand. Pepe Reina is now sporting a Liverpool hat. Good for him. Dirk Kuyt is coming in. Fans of the Goonies rejoice.
65:30 - The announcers are ripping on Oba Martins for going down after getting kicked in the chest. That was kind of harsh. On the substitution front, Kuyt comes in for Stevie-G. Great performance by the captain, scoring a goal and creating another. He has been on a tear recently. Fun to watch.
66:58 - Oba Martins breaks free of the defense, cuts in on his left, shoots, but it is easily saved by Reina. That was their best chance of the game and, to be fair, it was pretty tame. On an unrelated note, I am really hungry right now.
69:21 - A crazy volley effort for Martins from about 45 yards out. It caught Reina off the line but the goalie was saved by the crossbar. How is Martin's not starting for Newcastle? It boggles the mind.
71:09 - Nando is coming out. I'm sad, but I know that this is the right move. Peter Crouch, aka Human Marmite, enters in his stead.
73:33 - Worst decision of the Mighty B's life: buying a bag of Mediterranean 3-cheese Kettle chips. He is not long for this game.
76:49 - "Fire everyone on the team. Keep Given, keep Harper, keep Oba and fire everyone else." That is Mighty B's solution. And right now it seems reasonable. He has left the room and doesn't care what the final score is. Good thing we are getting drunk tonight. That will help ease the pain.
84:23 - To be honest, I've stopped paying attention to this game. It's wrapped up. It was a solid Liverpool performance, highlighted by outstanding displays from their stars: Nando and Stevie Boy. The verdict on Newcastle is much harsher. Right now, they are not a good team. Couple that with their obvious lack of determination and motivation and it is clear why they are in a relegation dogfight.
That was a nice little experiment. Check this space for more live blogging in the future and for an updated tally on the Nando Boner Counter.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
The 1st Annual People I Wish Death Upon List
Hate is a strong word. So is loathe. But sometimes potent one word insults are not enough. That's when I turn to the 'Disdain Scale.'
There are many levels to the Disdain Scale. At one end of the spectrum there is the 'I really can't stand you' sentiment. At the opposite pole, you will find some pretty vicious stuff. But nothing trumps 'I want you to die. I wish an extremely painful and agonizing death upon you. When you die, I will feel no remorse, only joy.'
Does it make me a bad person to feel that way towards some people? Actually yes, yes it does. But you only live once and it's my God given right to fucking hate some douches.
So here it is, the first annual list of people I want to die. The amazing thing is, that I'm generally a fairly magnanimous person so it takes quite a bit to piss me off. The following people have done that and more.
1) Cristiano Ronaldo
What can I say about this asshole that hasn't been said already? He is egotistical, he is arrogant, he is so fucking good it makes me sick to my stomach and he knows it. He dives and has the audacity to cry about it when referees don't call a foul. I literally mean that he cries. Tears stream down his cheeks as he pouts his way down the field. Often you will find Ronaldo staring into the crowd, searching for a goat's teat to suckle, as he was not properly weaned from his mother's bosom.
So we know he is a dick on the field. What about off of it?
Well, he cheated on Gemma Atkinson with a prostitute. Haven't heard of Ms. Atkinson? Here is a snapshot:
Just to clarify: C-Ron paid for sex when this was readily available to him. That alone is disgraceful. Couple that with his childish behavior on the pitch and you can understand why he is the number one person I wish death upon each night before I go to bed. It is always a cruel blow to my psyche when I check the news every morning and see that he is still among the living. Oh well, so it goes...
2) Bandwagon Red Sox Fans
I will defer to Urban Dictionary on this one:
"5% of red sox fans as of 2005. made up of mostly fat, irish, red faced women and scrawny white homeboys who will wear their 2004 world championship tilted to the side like a god damn monkey while their over sized manny jerseys will hang all the way down to their knees. 10 years ago these bandwagoners didn't have to suffer watching mo vaughn gain 300 pounds, jose offerman trot around the bases like he was a in beer softball league, or mark portugal tripping over his own feet while pitching off the mound in almost every god damn start. But now they feel like true fans because they can name 3 players on the team."
For some reason Red Sox Nation remains completely ignorant of this phenomenon. No wonder why they are the most universally reviled group of fans. You can go ahead and die now.
3) Whoever is dating ScarJo
You can't hide from me, Ryan Reynolds. I see you there, hiding behind your beard and under your chapeau. Don't think I don't know what's going on; I'm on to you. Just watch your back. That's all I'm going to say; watch your back.
That's the list. Like I said, I'm a pretty friendly guy and for the most part, I'm not out looking to make enemies. But once you are on this list, you might as well pull up a chair and get comfy because you are on it for the long haul, unless a large cash donation happens to find its way into my hands.
Make sure to check back in '09 to see who will be joining this cursed list of people. Or don't and risk winding up here. Your choice.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Friday Evening, err Saturday Morning Clairvoyance
It's that time of year again. Winter is rearing its ugly head making life miserable for those idiots still living outside of California, the movies coming out are complete dog-ass (College Road Trip, anyone?) and until March Madness kicks off, the sports scene is pretty barren. One could make the argument the NASCAR just started. To that I would reply: "NASCAR fan, die, but before dying, leave this site immediately. You are not welcome here."
So what the flip am I supposed to predict? When I gaze into my magic crystal dome (aka the Fletch-cot Center), there's not much to see, except the busty Asian women that always seem to appear. One of these days, I need to look into that.
Hold on, something weird is happening in my brain. What the hell is that feeling? Oh, inspiration! Get out of my head. Zounds, gadzooks and egads, that never happens! The whole reason I'm here is to write about chicks, beer, sports and video games. I'm always going on and on about sports and chicks, sometimes I wax poetic about beer/partying, but I haven't really given video games its proper due in this space.
That changes today. This week's 'voyance is going to look at a few upcoming video game releases. Come aboard and we will sail away to the most glorious of places: Videogamica.
XBox360 - Our XBox is f'ing broken right now. I've been staring at this for the past week and it is driving me insane:
Great job, Microsoft. Really, next time you make a next gen console, please make sure it works more than 86% of the time, you rich greedy fucks. So until the system is fixed, there is nothing to look forward to. Sorry, just thinking about it makes me upset.
PS3 - MLB '08 The Show. Give it to me now. I can't wait to see how this game plays. It's been a long time since I've been excited for a baseball game, possibly all the way back to the Triple Play days (aka the TPdees). Also, I'm particularly excited to try out a sports game not made by The Dogshit Factory, better know to the public as EA. Take that Electronic Arts. You are going to have to go through me first if you think you are taking over the world.
Wii - The forgotten system. This poor guy has been sitting on the TV stand for almost a year now and has been played only a handful of times. But that will change once Super Smash Bros. Brawl comes out. That is the claim. Whether or not that happens remains to be seen. But I'm fired up for this release. Beating the shit out of someone with this puff-ball is always so satisfying.
DS - My favorite system. Unfortunately, good games are few and far between for this handheld dandy. So there is nothing that I'm looking forward to. Not even Ninja Reflex. And you know that there must be a dearth of options available if a game involving ninjas and reflexes can't get the blood stirring.
That's what I'm looking forward in the next couple of weeks. If I'm missing anything obvious, feel free to leave a comment or just leave me the fuck alone.
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