Huzzah! Baseball Has Begun...Part 2

Scroll down for part one of this informative look at the upcoming baseball season. Somewhere Rob Neyer cringes. Eighteen teams down, twelve to go. No need to beat around the bush, time to get to it.

The Would-Be Contenders - Blue Jays, Phillies, Cubs, Padres, Rockies and Angels


Let me introduce you to Kelly Carlson. She is pretty much all you could ask for in a woman. Yet, outside of Nip/Tuck fans, who really knows about her? Why has she flown under the radar for so long? I don't have a legitimate answer to that question. I wish I did because I'd love to see this tight little package get some more publicity but for some reason, it just isn't happening. How does her relative anonymity connect with the six ball clubs I listed before? Simple: on their day, they can beat anyone, just like Carlson can out-hot anyone. But by the end of the season, for whatever reason, they are going to come up just short of the ultimate goal. Sure, a couple might sneak into the playoffs, but I can't see any of these squads winning it all just as, much to my chagrin, I can't see Carlson pulling in the lead role in an upcoming blockbuster. Maybe it's a weak bullpen, or an untimely injury or a refusal to do full-frontal that holds them back. Whatever it is, they just can't match the star power of the next group. Speaking of...

The 2nd in Command - Mets, Diamondbacks and Indians


These are great teams. And Megan Fox is a great looking woman. Each could very well win the World Series and she could very well be the hottest chick on the face of the earth. But, there are still three teams that I think are better and one chick who I think is hotter. We will get to them in a second.

It's hard to find a flaw here. But if I dig deep enough, I can uncover the slightest of chinks in the armor. See for yourself:

Mets - Great offense, solid top of the rotation, good bullpen. But question marks over Pedro's health and the fourth and fifth starters.
D-backs - Best rotation in the NL. Young, exciting offense. Can they replace Jose Valverde? That remains to be seen.
Indians - Rock solid offense and one of the best bullpens in baseball, even with Joe Borowski's 5+ ERA. But will C.C. and Fausto give the team 200 innings again? And is Paul Byrd really winning 15 games again? Hmm.
Megan Fox - Unbelievable face/body. Sexy wavy hair. Only one notable film credit to her name and already has gone under the knife. Does she have any longevity?

These are all minor quibbles, but are the difference between being second best and being the cream of the crop. Which leads me to the final troika (another great segue).

The Teams to Beat - Red Sox, Tigers and Yankees

Seriously, was there ever a doubt who was going to top this list. Big surprise here: ScarJo dominates another chick-related competition. If she wanted to drop a deuce on my face, I'd consider it. I think that is the ultimate compliment you can pay a girl. As for the teams, the Yankees probably don't belong in this category, but they're my favorite team, so it felt right to stick them here. Josh Beckett and Dice-K are really fat, so that would concern me if I didn't hate Boston so much. The Tigers are stacked and should win the World Series. And ScarJo's hotness is unmatched in all the world. I'd say that about sums it up right there.

Enjoy the season everyone.