Holy Crow...Baseball Starts When? Part 1

First off, I'd like to take a moment to apologize to the loyal fans out there who missed me last week. There probably is a good excuse for the lack of blogs the past seven days, but I'm not going to shit on your pancakes and call it maple syrup. The bottom line: I was lazy. Sorry. Let's leave the past in the past and move forward.
Speaking of moving forward, anyone else realize that baseball starts tomorrow at 6am? That caught me a little off guard. I knew the Red DoucheCox (see what I did there? I changed Sox with DoucheCox! Tee hee!) and the A's were kicking things off in the Land of the Rising Sun, but the suddenness of it all caught me with my pants around my ankles. And not in the "funny romantic misunderstanding" way, but in the "you're about to get ass-pillaged by a Norseman" way.

That being said, here is a hastily thrown together ranking of teams. The difference between this list and 99% of the "expert's picks" you will see elsewhere, is that I have categorized the teams into groups of six, with each sextet represented by a female. The hotter the chick that represents the group, the better the teams and so on and so forth. You've been around the interwebs before, you get the drill.

The Turd-Covered Biscuits: Orioles, Giants, Pirates, Nationals, Royals and Rangers

Here we have the lowest of the low, the dregs of the league, the shit on the bottom of the shoe. I'd rather not waste valuable finger movements on writing about this group. These teams are garbage and have few, if any, redeeming qualities. Even for fantasy purposes avoid theses teams at all cost. For the fans of these lowly franchises, I can only suggest watching a hippo diarrhea as a remedy for the pain these teams will inflict this summer.

The Not-S0-Fast Boy-ohs: Rays, Marlins, Reds, A's, Astros and White Sox

That's Natasha Lyonne. You might remember her from such films as American Pie and The Slums of Beverly Hills. At her peak, she was decent. Probably would need 16-19 beers before approaching her, but still decent. After sliding on up to her, you strike up a conversation and buy a few shots. Next thing you know, you're sucking face in the men's bathroom with this meth junkie who, by some freak of nature, happens to be sporting a not-so-flaccid 11-inch cock (ed. note - previous statement might be embellished). That's Natasha Lyonne in a nutshell. That's those teams in a nutshell, as well. At their best, they might be serviceable, but fear their worst. For the love of God, fear their worst.

The Almost-Theres: Twins, Dodgers, Cardinals, Brewers, Braves and Mariners

God, these teams are close. Just like Miley Cyrus, they are almost ready to shed their 'teaser' persona and step up to the big time. Some days, these teams look like world beaters, cocks of the walk, if you will. You find yourself thinking: There has to be grass on that playing field, right? Then you realize that it's too early to have those thoughts, those shameful, perverse thoughts. They are still young and there is a lot of growing up that needs to be done. But one thing sticks out in the back of your mind like a twig jammed into two feet of Kentucky mud: they might not get any better than right now. You are just going to have to wait and see. Definitely the most frustrating type of team to root for. Sucks for you. Only thing left to do is finish growing that kid-toucher moustache.

Check back tomorrow for part 2 of the MLB preview. Guaranteed hotter chicks or else your next blog post is on me. Here is a sneak peak of what you might expect to find: