Fantasy Football Draft Highlights or: How I Threw Away $40...Again

I despise fantasy football. I think it's a complete waste of time. Yet, every year, I get suckered into tossing down a decent amount of money on a team that has no chance of winning anything. Why? Great question. I guess it's just my generous nature. Lining the pockets of good friends is what I was put on this earth to do. My confidence heading into the season is a rickety as a moist house of cards supporting Oprah after a trip to the Cheesecake Factory.

Instead of boring you with insipid details of my shitty ass team, here are some highlights from the stimulating draft that took place tonight at 11pm EST. Here's the cast of characters and draft order:

1) Jess-UGA - Unoriginal name award + bonus points for auto-picking...let's wrap this thing up by midnight people
2) Ralph Wiggum - Not the Simpsons character, in case you were curious
3) Dr. Shocker - Hopefully will figure out how to use the draft center without sabotaging his team
4) Team Nightmare - Most likely to throw something across the room after draft target is taken with the pick right before him
5) Rippling Cunt Lips - Best team in the fucking Universe!
6) Three Toed Sloth - Nothing interesting to say about this team, sorry
7) Bumblebee tuna - I was hoping we could get Team Gramblor, but I'll accept this name
8) Team Big Time - Defending champ, would like nothing more to see this team miss the playoffs
9) Ugly on the Inside - Only slightly insufferable Steelers fan
10) The Cleveland Browns - Last and most certainly least, I just call it like I see it

I'll be updating in real time, so apologies for any typos. Let's get this bitch started.

Pre-Draft banter: Is focused squarely on Soulcalibur IV. How do we ever get laid?

11:00pm - 1st round, 1st pick - Jess-UGA auto-picks LT. Well done, artificial intelligence. You've come a long way since the Apple IIGS.

11:02pm - 1st round, 5th pick - RCL (Rippling Cunt Lips) goes with Marion Barber. Fantastic pick. Shockingly, Dr Shocker took injured Tom Brady with the 3rd overall pick. Living up to his namesake.

11:03pm: Rusty trombone is thrown out for the first time. I hope it's not the last.

11:06pm: 2nd round, 15th pick - TO falls into my lap. How 'bout them Cowboys? Week 10 is going to be tough for the RCL. Hopefully by then I'll be 9-0. If Tony Romo goes down this year, I'm fucked.

11:08: Not as much smack talk as I'd like. I blame that on the fact that I'm sober.

11:09: I'm making one of the cardinal sins of fantasy football. Going with wide receivers over RBs in the 2nd and 3rd rounds. This is not going well. I'm an idiot.

11:10: 3 QBs taken in a row. Hmmm. I'm noticing a trend here.

11:12: Thinking of taking Edgerrin James. Hopefully, he is still available. He is!! I probably shouldn't be too excited about that. That's the state of the union though.

11:15: Another fantasy sin: taking a player from your favorite team too early. And I'm going with Jay Cutler. Probably a bad idea, but whatever, I won one game last year. I can't do that badly again, can I?

11:16: I'm catching flack for the Cutler pick and deservedly so. But whatever, at least he doesn't have a debilitating genetic disease that requires constant monitoring and insulin shots to maintain life functions. Also, I've given up on writing down the round and the pick number. Too much work for a blog that only 4 people read.

11:19: Cleveland Browns just logged into the draft. Looking at his team, it's already better than mine. I should have just auto drafted.

11:21: First "I had no idea" pick of the night: Three Toed Sloths taking Kevin Curtis. You can tell that a lot of research went into this draft.

11:25: Just talked myself out of picking Greg Jennings and going with Roddy White instead. And you wonder why I know that I'm throwing away 40 bucks.

11:28: So glad that it's a long weekend coming up. And I just got Greg Jennings with my next pick. Hot dang! The gods have smiled upon me this day.

11:32: Unrelated note: Stanford has a white running back. Why am I not surprised? What is surprising is that he is ripping up shit. Oh god, my pick. And I need a QB. Jeff Garcia feels right. And so does my junk when I look at his wife. Hello! Whammo!

11:36: Lendale White must have the plague. Either that or went on an In-and-Out binge during the offseason that only the people in my league are aware of because no one is going near him.

11:39: Into the 10th round, picks are slowing down. I'm getting groggy. Shouldn't have had that warm panda's milk before the draft. Ricky Williams was just drafted. That would have been newsworthy if this was 2003.

11:43: From now on, strickly going with best available player for the rest of my picks. Time to shut the ole brain down. You served me well tonight, my gray mushy friend. I will try my best not to completely kill you with booze this weekend.

11:48: I now have both backs in the Cowboys backfield. Watching Hard Knocks has convinced me that this is the best team in the universe right now. Somehow this will come back to bite me in my pimply ass.

11:53: This is starting to drag.

11:56: QB or another RB? I'm leaning towards RB, but probably should go with a QB. Fuck it. I'm drafting Mike Vick again. Take that Department of Corrections.

12:02: We're past the witching hour and a kicker was just drafted. I think my fairy godmother just crapped herself.

12:05: Might be time just to go to sleep. Chad Pennington is on my fantasy team. A 20 year old used condom is more durable than Pennington. And just like a 20 year old used condom, I'm going to have major regrets with Chad the morning after.

12:10: Barely sitting up straight right now. Sleeping on the couch sounds like an amazing idea right now.

12:15: Apparently a guy by the name of JT O'Sullivan is the starting QB for the 49ers. Could have fooled me. I thought that was the name of the Irish pub in the 7th circle of Hell. Last pick coming up. It's about damn time.

Finally, it's over. Hope that this is the last time you have to suffer through a live draft.