The title of this blog post makes no sense. It is literally impossible to napalm something, let alone a movie, back to the Spanish Inquisition. Yet, that is the insatiable urge beating through my soul right now, coursing through my veins. The blog doesn't cover movies very often, but when it does, there's no fucking around. That being the case, I would personally like to introduce these movies to Tomás de Torquemada by way of napalm, who would be undoubtedly befuddled by the moving images and sounds presented before him and immediately call the films heretics. It would be only a matter of time before these films were garroted and then burned at the stake. Then all would be right with the world again.
These are without a doubt my least favorite movies of all time. They are equally offensive to my sensibilities as a member of a civilized society, so therefore, are listed in no particular order. Should anyone associated with greenlighting any of these three rolls of a celluloid shit ever approach me, they will be cut.
Cruel Intentions (1999)
This is the only movie I've ever actually walked out on. After being dragged to the theater by my girlfriend at the time (who was on the verge of creaming herself over the thought of seeing Ryan Phillippe for almost 100 minutes), my initial expectations were not high. But I figured there was enough eye candy spread amongst Witherspoon, Gellar and Blair to make it someone palatable. How wrong I was.
If I wanted to watch privileged "teenagers" take advantage of their naive and/or virtuous contemporaries, I'd go to high school and participate in it myself. Hell, I did all the time. Corrupting sophomore girls was one of my crowing achievements in high school. No need to see it on the big screen, that was my life. Perhaps if I had stuck around long enough to see the only redeeming scene from the film, Phillippe (character name: Sebastian. Reminds me of the crab from Little Mermaid. Spent entire movie wishing crabs on everyone associated with the movie) getting run over by a car, my opinion might be higher than where it currently stands: slightly below a combination of all the different types of shit that is produced by a traveling circus. Needless to say, that's 45 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Not that I'd have done anything with it, but just knowing it's at my disposal for that time I need to run away from the amputee prostitute in a recumbent bike is great piece of mind.
Curly Sue (1991)
Just watching the trailer makes me want to beat the shit out of a mulleted James Belushi. There are literally no laughs to be had in this film, yet the trailer would have you believe that this is a family friendly movie out of the Home Alone mold. I remember watching this with my family on Movie Night and, after it mercifully ended, slapping my parents in the face for subjecting me to this horror (ed note: the preceding story might not have happened).
The shame this wretchedness has caused director John Hughes has seen him completely abandon his craft and focus entirely on writing, which is a loss for all fans of the cheesy, yet endearing, 80's flick. His pre-Curly Sue resume contains multiple quintessential 80's classics like Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Planes, Trains and Automobiles. I appreciate you going into hiding to hide from the public's cries for your Director's Guild badge, John, but enough time has passed. It's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and bring back the magic.
Mr. Baseball (1992)
Fuck this movie. It came out when I was just at that age when playing baseball over the summer was basically the only reason to suffer through the school year. So naturally, I was pretty excited to see it. Unfortunately, when I finally did, I got hit in the face with a truck load of suck. Just like Curly Sue, it's a movie that, at least from the trailer, is supposed to be a comedy. I defy you to watch this movie and laugh. You hear that...I defy you.
The best part of this entire movie is the not so subtle "Fuck you!" to Cleveland seen in the trailer. Good times. Anytime the Forest City has its name sullied, I'm down. But that isn't enough to save Tom Selleck and the rest of the international cast of thousands from my fiery wrath. You're being trashed in a fledgling blog with an audience of 3! How does that make you feel? Like you need to grow a mustache to be a real man? Pussy.
1 comment:
Have you seen Cruel Intentions 3? i have- on cable, late at night. THere is a particular shower sceen that might change your view on the whole franchise... check it out.
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