Square Dames Part 2

No need to dillydally, let's get right back to the list.

Vagrants Story

I made the effort to get into this game, but it was too difficult.  I think I made it through the first dungeon and then grew weary of having to think to accomplish tasks in the game.  Not that I wasn't having fun but I felt like I should spend my gaming time elsewhere.  So there is no hot chick to mention.  Sorry.

Final Fantasy 8 - Rinoa

This is a CG-rendered picture, but you get the point: Square really refined their art in Final Fantasy 8.  It's quite obvious with this tasty morsel of SeeD, Rinoa.  I asked her to the SeeD graduation ball but she had already accepted that douche Squall's invitation.  I've been holding a grudge ever since.  I actually never beat this game out of spite.  Screw you, Squall.  You ruined my chances with Rinoa.  Enjoy being trapped in purgatory for the rest of eternity, asshole.

Final Fantasy 9 - Garnet

Final Fantasy 9 went back to a more medieval, more cartoonish design.  But they didn't drop the ball with the lead female character, Garnet.  First off, she is a princess.  Major bonus points there.  Secondly, she resembles a good friend's little sister.  So right off the bat, she has a lot going for her.  Her best attribute, though: she has no standards.  In the end, she falls for the male lead, who by the way, has a freaking tail.  So I like how I stack up in that match-up.  If, you know, I was a video game character and all.

Final Fantasy 10 - Lulu

When Final Fantasy made the jump to PS2, I wasn't sure what to expect.  It was a relatively new system and didn't offer an impressive catalogue of games at the time.  But I knew that the folks at Square were probably not going to drop the ball on their first major release on the world's most powerful console.  I was right.  They delivered the Murderer's Row of hot chicks in FFX (or XXX if you'd like.  Hehe, I'm so clever).  Not pictured here are Yuna and Rikku, both fine POAs that would have claimed a top spot in any of the other games.  Therefore it's Lulu who takes first prize in this competition.  She had enormous bombs and knew how to flaunt them.  If she was in the party after a successful battle, she would bend over and her tits would jiggle.  It's a small detail, but one that I, and countless others, enjoyed.  Thank you Square for creating Lulu, you lecherous, perverted bastards.  I salute you.

Dragon Quest 8 - Jessica Albert

Hmm.  I think you can tell where I'm going to go with this, but let's just run through the checklist first.  Pigtails, check.  Fire bush, check (we can hope).  Driven by an intense need for vengeance, check.  Tomboyish moxie, check.  Preposterously large yabbos, check.  Outlandishly low-cut blouse with absolutely no support whatsoever, check and check mate.  This is the pinnacle of outrageous female character design.  Anything more over the top than this and you are venturing into Leisure Suit Larry territory and nobody wants that.  Jessica Albert is probably the most absurd character model I've ever seen, but somehow the boys at Square (with a big assist to their Enix comrades) pulled it off.  My dick is better off for it.

Final Fantasy 12 - Fran

While not technically human, Fran still embodies a lot of the characteristics that most males find attractive.  Namely, she has boobs and can pilot a space pirate ship.  She suffers from violent, uncontrollable, illogical fits of rage, similar to modern human women.  So Fran gets the nod over Ashe for the top spot in FF12 even if she does have rabbit ears. Besides, Ashe is just a Yuna clone.  Fran brings some originality to the table.  Although I have to wonder what hairstyle she is sporting down below.  Hopefully a little more tidy than that flowing mane she is rocking up top. 

That's the list.  Feel free to post comments/concerns/death threats/etc. in the appropriate field.  

The Dames of Square (Soft) (Enix) (whatever, they are hot)

I've spent a lot of my life playing video games. Probably more time than any reasonable human should admit. There have been great experiences with games in the past: the multiple broken Guitar Hero guitars, the tears of sadness after Ocarina and the exhilaration of a blocked extra point in Madden. All great games and I'm a better gamer for having played them. But I'm an RPG enthusiast at heart; always have been, always will be. The one name that is synonymous with RPGs is Square. Throughout the years, they have developed some of the landmark games of the late 20th-early 21st century.

With games brimming with complex storylines, fully developed characters and amazing musical scores Square created an immense, and loyal, following for there games. By pushing the limits of the systems, they revolutionized the video game industry.

And they also had a habit of filling their games with hot bitches who aroused an intense sexual desire within my loins. So let's take a look back at some of the Square biddies that I grew to love in the most biblical sense...in my mind.

Final Fantasy 3 (or 6) - Celes

For all intents and purposes, Celes sucked in Final Fantasy 3. She could use magic when she entered your party, but wasn't as powerful as Terra either physically or magically. She is the only character available for a while right after the world was destroyed. If she hadn't been utilized up until that point, oops too bad, get ready to flee from battles. But you can't tell me you didn't feel something for her during the opera house sequence. Never have so few sprites looked and sounded so good. "Oh my hero...lick my 1x1 sprite vageen" or something along those lines.

Chrono Trigger - Marle

I wish I found a better picture of Marle because this one clearly does not do her justice. Chrono Trigger came around at the perfect time. I had an intense crush on a girl who (at least in my mind) resembled Marle. So I changed her name in the game to match that of my crush. I also was masturbating about four times a day. Life sure seems simple when you are 15 and are in love with a video game character named after the girl of your dreams.

Final Fantasy 7 - Tifa

It's hard to tell from this picture, but Tifa really gives Lara Croft a run for her money in the "Most Amazing Polygonal Tits" category. The Playstation came along and immediately pushed the boundaries of what chicks could look like in video games. I was just starting high school, my hormones were raging and there was no way in hell I was getting any ass. So Tifa became my imaginary slampig. Google image search her and you will see why. Just make sure the SafeSearch function is turned on.

Parasite Eve - Aya

Parasite Eve flew under the radar for the most part, overshadowed by the Final Fantasy series. But it is a solid game and features one of the hottest chicks to ever appear on the Playstation, Aya. I wish I could find a better screenshot to fully demonstrate her flaming beauty. But this one will have to do. She is wearing an evening gown and holding a firearm and is described in her Wikipedia page as having "a unique appearance as she boasts many Asian facial features, such as the shape of her face and eyes, while possessing typically Caucasian coloring, including blue eyes and fair blonde hair." If that isn't a recipe for a boner, then I don't know what is.

Chrono Cross - Miki

There are about 40 characters in Chrono Cross, one of the reasons why it's universally hailed as one of the best games ever. It was tough choosing the sexiest vixen of the bunch, but I settled on Miki because a) she is professional dancer and b) she has a move called "Sexy Wink." That works for me. She's agile, she's nimble, she can probably do a split and wants nothing more than to sit on your face. Possibly for money.

Stay tuned for part two tomorrow...

Wednesday Blog Teaser

Wednesday on CBSVG: a guaranteed blog post of decent quality.  Maybe not as good as the famous Boob post but it will be good nonetheless.  I need a little time for R & D (that's research and development for all of you not in the know) but it will be worth it.  At least I think it will be.  I'm actually really excited for it.  I wish I wasn't so f'ing tired right now or else I would give it to you this evening.  But you will just have to be patient.  So to keep you satiated feel free to learn the difference between the mullet, skullet and frullet.

It's also Liverpool vs West Ham on Wednesday.  It gives me a chance to relive this classic Stevie G Moment:

An announcer will never get closer to yelling "Holy Shit!" than in this clip.  Unless of course the announcer is Alan Partridge, but you knew that already.

See you Wednesday night for a B+ post.

Quick Friday Evening Clairvoyance

It's a remote edition of the 'Voyance this week, as I'm currently away from the Fletchinator Cave of Sorrows, my normal posting grounds.  It's the week before the Super Bowl, so everyone is getting to the stage where they are tired of hearing about it; just play the stupid game already.  There is only one thing worth watching this weekend and you had better hurry because it starts at 9:30pm ET Friday.  Behold, the Australian Open women's final: Maria Sharapova vs Ana Ivanovic:

VS.

I've had a soft spot in my heart for tall Russian chicks ever since that stripper stole my heart in Moscow...er, Private Eyes, so I'm pulling for Sharapova.  Do yourself a favor, turn on ESPN2 at 9:30 and watch this.  Hopefully in HD.  Just a heads up: your dick might explode if these two passionately kiss after match point.  It would totally be worth it, but don't say I didn't warn you.  Okay I need to prep.  Astroglide, check.  Tissues, check.  No pictures of Martina Navratilova within 25 meters, check.  I'm all set.  

Now go and watch tennis for the first time in your life.  Trust me, no one will think any less of you than they already do.

Man Bisque and Other Terms I Thought I Had Invented

I was in the creative mood during dinner the other night when something dawned on me: I was tired of using the term jizz.  It had a good run, but it was time to move on.  But what was I going to use in its place?  That was the problem that plagued me for about quarter of an hour.  I wanted an original line, something that was completely new to the scene of semen-based humor. Humans have been walking the planet for millennia, so most of the options had been extinguished, but I had faith in my abilities.  

The result of my brainstorm: Man Bisque.  

I felt so smart after coming up with the new term.  It brings so much to the table.  But I wanted to make sure it was my own.  So I went to Urban Dictionary to check it out.

Much to my chagrin, there was already an entry.  Fuck.  That really took the wind out of my sails.  Man Bisque - a hot think man load filled with the stickiest of man butter.

And just like that, I was right back where I started, not for the first time in my juvenile cussing history.  Here is a brief list of sexual terms I thought I had invented but later found out that someone beat me to it.  (Ed note: all definitions from Urban Dictionary).

Blodia - Marvel versus Capcom term for blow job.

I really thought this one was mine.  Goddamn Urban Dictionary.  Why do you have every slang term in the history of the world?  I remember playing Marvel vs. Capcom, using the character Jin and unleashing the Blodia punch.  Blow-job -> Blodia.  It just makes sense.

Slampig - a girl that is such a slut and has been fucked so many times, that most men realize she has some kind of venereal diease and decide not to go near her.

I won't claim this one as my own, but I was surprised at the widespread use of the term.  I still use this one on a regular basis and it never fails to describe 95% of the girls I see out on the weekends.

Grundle - the spot between your balls and asshole.

This was a great term in 7th grade.  Other things that were great in 7th grade: naked pictures of Pamela Anderson, searching for Playboy pictures on Webcrawler, trying to cram as much porn on a floppy disk as possible and L.O.R.D.

That's all for now.  If there are any other terms that should be added, please post them in the comments section.

Greetings from Minnesota

Here are some things that I have learned about Minnesota:

1) People talk strangely.

2) The lobster bisque sucks ass and resembles orange piss with lumps of fatty tissue in it, but they do make a good burger.

3) The TV guide function works about as well as a homeless person after multiple Valium. 

4) Being here changed me so profoundly that I actually enjoyed the final two-thirds of "The Devil Wears Prada."

5) I can say with little to no exaggeration that this is the coldest place on the face of the Earth.  

Much colder than here or here.

Friday Afternoon/Evening Clairvoyance

So, I'm getting some flak in the comments section for unoriginal posts.  Ouch, that stings.  I'm trying my best here people.  I'm not Ricky Bobby.  I don't wake up in the morning and piss excellence.  Sorry loyal fans, it has been a long week with a lot of distractions.  But for the second time this year, I'm rededicating myself.  Maybe I'll try a new format: more posts, less length.  It's worth a shot.  Life is going on the back burner and I'm focusing solely on the blog.  Screw everything else.

Onto the task at hand: the penultimate weekend of football.  At this point, I'm like a junkie dying for the next score.  See my TV?  I'll sell it to you for a dime-bag of football.  You've got a kilo of pigskin?  Here's my anus, fill it with whatever you so desire.  I need football or else I'm going to fucking die.  

That paragraph was not hyperbole.  Neither is this: "Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together." - Kent Brockman (Sorry Big Daddy Drew, I'm stealing your Gratuitous Simpsons Quote idea this week).

But let's not become football-centric here.  There are a lot of other great events going on this weekend besides football.  It is my duty as a part-time blogger to inform you of what those events are.  I will briefly address football, then move on.

Chargers vs Patriots - Patriots are going to win, plain and simple.  Fuck the Patriots, fuck Bill Simmons and fuck Boston.

Prediction - Patriots: I don't give a fuck, Chargers: Rot in Hell

Giants vs Packers - Every week I put up a picture of Eli Manning looking like he has either a) just crapped his pants or b) is crying out for his blankie.  I'm going to do it again because I don't want belligerent Giants fans blaming me if the G-Men lose this weekend.  I don't want this guy giving me a hard time:

To appease Carl and his flock of ravenous vultures, aka Giants fans, here is your weekly dose of Eli, this time in lovely 'cringe' form.

Prediction - Can Eli work the magic once more?  I'm going to say yes.  Giants win in Lambeau 31-28.

Other events of note: Australian Open.

The Return of King Kev:

More Australian Open:

Cloverfield not living up to the hype.

Roy Jones Jr. vs Felix Trinidad:

That's a lot of stuff to handle in one weekend.  Thank God Martin Luther King Jr. came around and got us all an extra day off.  That and the whole Civil Rights thing.  Somewhere Dr. King is frowning on the picture I just posted.  Sorry sir, but I felt it was necessary to poke fun at the age of the two pugilists.  Can't wait to burn in hell for that.  

Everyone else, enjoy the three-day weekend.

Tuesday Evening Video Cop-Out

I apologize for the lack of posts so far this week. What can I say besides "I'm a lazy fuck." Rest assured, I will be coming back with some real quality later in the week. But for the time being, you are going to have to entertain yourself with the some CBSVG favs. Or Japanese Bug Fighting.  Or the Jimmy Show.  Whatever you choose, you should be in good shape.

Chicks:

For a long time, I thought that I was going to marry Rebecca Romijn.  I was 16 and in love.  Then John Stamos got in the way and I moved on.  But goddamn, she can still bring it. 

Beer (Wait for it, wait for it...Midget!):

Sports:

Video Games (A classic, but still a good time):

Finally, a little bonus video for all the Rick Moranis fans out there.  Stand up and be heard.

Friday Afternoon Clairvoyance...NFL Playoff Addition

With the most sincere apologies to chicks and video games, this weekend is about sports and beer. Extrapolating on that, this weekend is about combining the viewing of sports with the drinking of beer. It's a winning combination any way you slice it. You get drunk, your team wins, the sky is the limit. You get drunk, your team losses, well, at least you're drunk and throwing things becomes more acceptable.

But what makes this weekend any different when it comes to sports and beer? There are a number of reasons, but you should need only one: the fucking NFL Divisional Playoffs. Fuck. Yes. In. My. Mouth. That's about 7-8 hours of top-notch football entertainment each day and more than enough time to get obliterated. Aim high during that time. Get fucked up. After this weekend there are only three, yes THREE, NFL games left this season. Take a moment if you need it to collect yourself after coming to that realization. We all know the Super Bowl usually sucks, so this is kind of a big deal. Might want to take advantage of it. Just some sage advice from someone who knows how painfully long the NFL off-season is.

I want to have sex with the slate of games this weekend. That probably isn't even possible, but I need to express how excited I am about watching these games. Even the NFC games. (Amazing segue countdown...3...2...1...blast off) Speaking of which, why not kickoff the predictions in Green Bay, where the NFL kicks off on Saturday.
Seattle vs Green Bay:

"We want the ball and we're going to score." Ahh, Matt Hasselbeck, you incredible clod. It's one thing to be confident. It's another to throw a pick six and single-handedly cost your team a playoff win. The irony was so delicious I ordered seconds to bring home in a doggy bag. Another interesting note, Mike Holmgren returns to the township that named a road after him with the chance to end the career of Brett Favre, who is in the early stages of the 'will I or won't I retire' game that he loves to play. Fuck you Favre, make up your mind. Your wife is a whore.

Getting back to the game, the Packers have a better ground game, better receivers, a better defense and the game is at Lambeau. All signs point to an overwhelming Pack victory.

But let's not crown their asses just yet. Favre has thrown 13 INTs in his last 5 playoff games. Ball control is not part of his vocabulary, just like saying "No" to a handful of painkillers. Even if Favre does soil his bedsheets, and I think he will, the Packers still have enough talent to beat a truly mediocre Seahawks.

Prediction- Favre turns the ball over twice, but the Pack survive, beating the Seahawks 23-17.

Jacksonville vs New England-

"Immortality! Take it! It's yours!" - Brad Pitt from Troy.
It's that simple for the Patriots. They are the best team in the league. That's an irrefutable fact. It pains me to write it, but it's true. They should win this game with very little difficulty. There's not much more to say about them except that no one will be sad if there is an ebola outbreak in Boston.

On the other hand, Jacksonville has the chance to be everyone's hero. Ninety-five percent of the population outside of New England is rooting for them right now. Don Shula has promised David Garrard all the whores he can pimp if they pull off the upset. So what do you do if you're Jack of River?  You sit your team down in front of a giant screen and show them this and give the following speech:

Jack Del Rio: You want that?  I know you fuckers do.  Well, she's waiting.  She's ready to take in up the ass for you boys.  But you need to do something for her first and that is to beat the living shit out of the Patriots.  You do that and she's all yours.  

Prediction- If Del Rio pulls the Scar-Jo inspirational speech, Jags win 42-10.  If he doesn't Patriots take this one handily, 31-13 and emasculate the entire Jacksonville franchise in the process.

A Whale's Vagina vs Indianapolis- 

It's not funny to joke about this sort of thing, but really, if both team's buses were bombed at some point on the way to the RCA Dome, I wouldn't be sad.  Actually it's quite funny to joke about it.  Please, someone bomb the Chargers team bus then someone take down the Colts bus.

All joking/not-really joking aside, this game really depends on the Chargers D.  If they can pressure Peyton Manning and keep the score in the 20s, they have a great chance to win.  If it becomes a track meet, the advantage goes to the Colts.  This is one of those games where I just hope for injuries to key players on both sides.  I'll have my LT voodoo doll out and I've already hired a West African witch doctor to put a hex on Manning.  I hope that was $7, 12 pieces of thread and 2 calf livers well spent.

Prediction- I honestly could give two shits about this game.  Whatever the outcome, I'm going to be unhappy.  But seeing as how this is a prediction post, I guess I should venture a guess: Colts 38-28 over the Bolts, with the number of Fletchinator frowns toppling the 50 mark.

New York Giants vs Dallas- 

This should be the most entertaining game of the weekend.  Two heated division rivals.  Two questionable coaches.  Two giant gaping vaginas (see above).  I'm not sure what I'm more pumped for: the game itself, or the inevitable shots of J. Simpson in the crowd sporting her gay/pink Tony Romo jersey.  Can't wait for that!

Checking out the sides heading into the game, the Giants have the momentum...and the Giants...hmmm...the Giants...fuck it..here is another gratuitous Jessica Simpson shot:

People, people.  Try to stay focused here.  I know that you're here for some hard-hitting and insightful anal sex...er, analysis and that's what you're going to get.  Giants have a lot of advantages heading into the game.  They are the hotter and, more importantly, healthier team.  It's difficult to beat a team three times in one season, even when your most potent offensive weapon is healthy.  It really boils down to whether or not Eli Manner has any testicles.  If he plays like he did against Tampa Bay, the Giants stand a chance.  If he plays like the Eli we all know and love to throw rocks and Molotov Cocktails out, the Giants are fucked six ways from Sunday.

Prediction- Cowboys eke out a close win 24-21 after Manning throws a pick on the Giants final drive.

Now go out and enjoy yourself this weekend.  You have haven't earned it, but pretend you have.

{Kissing Suzy Kolber}

Meh, it's Wednesday...I Think I'll Write About Boobs

The weekend is just around the corner and I cannot wait. It's a great time for both football and binge drinking to the point where it becomes a good idea to tell girls that you are leaving next week to go on an archeological dig in Greece. I'll get to the games in Friday's post (that's called a tease) but right now I'm watching Karate Kid and I feel that something needs to be addressed: Elizabeth Shue is Daniel-san's teenage love interest. How I missed that all these years is beyond me. But it happened. Time to move on...Hmm, moving on turned out to be difficult. I couldn't stop thinking about how just four short years later she was showcasing her yabbos to Tom Cruise in Cocktail. Unbelievable! I just had a "Wow" moment in my head and in my pants.

Let's take a look at some of the other actresses who caused "Holy shit! Those are her boobs! Insert name here just got topless!" reactions from guys around the globe.
The inspiration:
Next up, Ms. Christina Ricci, circa Addams Family fame...It was a long trip to Black Snake Moan:
Batting third for this murderer's row, Nicole Egghert. This Charles in Charge jailbait bared all for Blown Away, the 1992 crapfest, not the 1994 shitparty.
Raise your hand if you were stunned when you found out that Elizabeth Berkley, aka Jessie Spano, was the lead role in Showgirls.

This one is a bit of a stretch, but what the hell, why not. Thora Birch, who unleashed her sweater cannons in American Beauty, was much more innocent in Now and Then.

Moving right along, the next woman on the list needs no introduction. The legendary Drew Barrymore:

I was never a fan of Who's the Boss. But I'm a big fan of Alyssa Milano and her funbags. Even if she did date douche-cock Carl Pavano.

I've never heard of Stage Beauty, but apparently Claire Danes flashed some nip. Fans of My So Called Life are still recovering.

Saving the best for last, this next one is the ultimate. I remember where I was the exact moment I saw Katie Holmes topless in The Gift. And then I remember watching it 25 times in quick succession. I count it as one of the top 1o moments of my life. Some might think that's lame, but at least I've seen KH's boobs more than Tom Cruise.

That brings me back. Good times. Elizabeth Shue, my cock thanks you for blazing a trail for all those who would follow.

The New American Gladiators or: Somewhere Nitro Rolls Over in His Grave

The reviews are in for the revamped and modernized American Gladiators. From what I've read, they are ranging from bad to worse than watching your grandmother get nailed by a HIV-positive horse. Having seen a couple of episodes, I tend to lean towards the former, but I'm known as a generous individual. So how did NBC go so wrong?

There are a number of fundamental flaws with the new AG, from the trite, scripted Gladiatorial 'smack' talk (and I use that phrase loosely) to the nonsensical, post-event ramblings of both the contestants and the hosts. Shame on you, Hulkster. I would have expected it from Laila Ali, not from you Hulk. That little Hulkamaniac in me was dying to come out on Sunday night, just like an old WWF pay-per-view. Alas, he stayed buried deep within me, right alongside the memories of that time at sleep-away camp when it was dark and Counselor Joey wanted to play 'Touch the No No Zone" with the campers.

But I digress. NBC made some horrible casting decisions. The point of this is to see what might have been if the network had made more sensible choices when it came to filling the roles of the Gladiators and the show's hosts.

Hosts - On a show like Gladiators, it is imperative to have an experienced host. Obviously, Hogan and Ali don't have what it takes. If NBC wants a male/female duo, they should look no further than two of the great veterans of whatever genre Gladiators and its pre-pubescent second cousin Guts fall into: Joe Theismann and Moira Quirk.

Theismann, seen here being carted off the field during the last Monday Night Football broadcast of 2006 (ZING!), was one of the original hosts of Gladiators, alongside Mike Adamle, who, unbeknownst to me until this very minute, played in the NFL for the Chiefs, Jets and Bears and once ran for 316 yards in a collegiate game. Now spending his time getting bitched slapped by Jimmy Kimmel on live TV, Theismann must be dying to get back in the Gladiator game and make everyone forget the Todd Christensen and Larry Csonka years. In all seriousness, get the man back on TV. It's been way too long since he has had the chance to whine about the horrific leg break that become the gold standard for career ending injuries. So, one half of the booth is filled. Let's take a look at Theismann's better half:
Moira Quirk, aka Mo. We all know Mo. We all love Mo. She was the one responsible for making sense of the clusterfuck that was known as Guts and for keeping that asshat Mike O'Malley in line. A little Bill Simmons-esque sidenote here: didn't you always get the feeling that if you had the chance to compete on Guts, you would have dominated the other clowns on the show. I know I did, although I did have a reoccurring nightmare that I was scaling the Crag (that's what the popular kids used to call it) and couldn't find the actuators. I would keep searching and searching until finally the other two contestants had finished and I was left at the very first level, crying out for my mother. I had a strange childhood. Simmons-esque aside finished. Let me just hop in the shower real quick. Okay, back. Anyway, Mo is the perfect choice for the female co-host because she knows her way around competition and doesn't need to read off cue cards to introduce herself. And judging from her IMDB profile, she is available.

Other Candidates - Morbo. I must admit that I was a little tardy to the Futurama party. But what I missed in timing, I made up for in sheer volume of episodes. Morbo has a special talent. No one is capable of pointing out the deficiencies of humans quite like our large-headed green friend. Had he been announcing the premiere of the new American Gladiators, he would have referred to the woman who injured herself in the first 30 seconds of the first competition as "puny" and laughed at her for having two X chromosomes. "Puny woman, where is your Y chromosome when you need it!" Adds maniacal laughter for effect

One other name I'd like to throw into the ring is Alan Partridge. Loyal readers will know that I'm a big fan of this toothy Brit. With his down to earth style and his universal knowledge of all things sport, I think he could bring a lot to the Gladiator table.

No matter who NBC decided to bring into the booth, the show revolves around the Gladiators. It's not called American Midwives or American Caddies. No, its about the Gladiators pushing contestants in every physical way possible, outside of rape, although it is a little known fact that rape is sometimes encouraged. So it was absolutely vital that NBC not drop the ball on this one. Unfortunately, that is exactly what they did. They hired retarded stereotypes, she-males (not the sexy Thai kind) and fluffers for gay porn. Had they brought in the following and made them Gladiators, they might have a genuine hit on their hands and not just a filler until the writers quit bitching about DVD sales and iTunes. Just kidding! I love you guys, but honestly, if the Nip/Tuck season is cut short, someone is going to die.

The Ultimate Warrior - God knows where the Ultimate Warrior is these days. You could tell me he was running for a congressional seat in South Dakota and I would believe you. I'd also believe that he was living in a tent down in the Ozarks. Probably the latter is more likely. But you get my point. He is a wild card. You never know what he is going to bring. You put a script in front of his face and he chews it up and literally eats it. He will eat a fucking script if you put it in front of him. (Ed. note: Warrior may or may not actually eat script) If Warrior is on Gladiators, two thing are guaranteed: one, someone is getting maimed and two, someone is getting body slammed while being maimed. That's good television.

Courtney Paris - Who is Courtney Paris? I could list off some of her accomplishments at the University of Oklahoma. Instead, I will let you do the math:

Note to self: if ever in a room with Courtney Paris, make for nearest exit and alert local authorities that she has escaped her electrified pen.

Powerthirst Drinkers - I would imagine that most, if not all, of the Gladiators have taken some sort of performance enhancer at one time or another. But have they ever felt the surge of Powerthirst? Most likely. It would explain the actions of Toa and Wolf quite nicely.

A Beached Whale - Maybe I'm being a little harsh on Gladiator Hellga. But I get no pleasure in watching her stumble around the Gauntlet, letting women half her size run over, under and through her. You are a Gladiator for the love of Odin. Show some pride. She is easier to penetrate than Lindsay Lohan after a bottle of champagne and a pound of coke. If Bernie Kosar and Vinny Testaverde combined their semen and somehow impregnated a female sloth, the offspring produced would be more nimble than Hellga. What an embarrassment. Stop running her out there NBC. Get her out, sit her down and tell her to go back to whatever Norse saga she came from. In her stead, place a beached whale. Not only will the noxious smell deter contestants from approaching, it is also much easier to discard. Just wheel in a shitload of dynamite and blow it to hell. It's much less stressful than going through the process of firing someone.

Quad Pants: A New Year's Eve Adventure

Here's a math problem for all you Poindexters: Badass + Bitchin' = ?  Having a little trouble solving that brain buster?  The answer isn't at the back of the textbook.  The answer was actually on display New Year's Eve on my lower body.  Follow along as we retrace both the badass and the bitchin' from Monday night.

Prepped and ready to go.

Out the door.  Look out NYC, shit is about to go down.

New equation: Quad Pants + Velcro Kicks = Melting Sidewalk

Double fisting leads to...

Busting a gnarly dance move.

Someone clearly could not handle the infinite glory of Quad Pants.

Quad Pants tries to blend in with the commoners.  Not sure commoners are too receptive. 

Check yo'self foo'.  Quad Pants in the hizz, fuckin' up yo shizz'.  I have no idea what that means.

Quad Pants grow weary.  Quad Pants must rest.

Change of plans.  One more?  You're damn right.  Quad Pants thirst for adventure.

Maybe that last one was a bad idea.  2008 started with a hangover and a trip to the dry cleaner, but Quad Pants care not. 

More importantly, what the flip happened to the White Velcros?  Life diarrheaed on them.