The New American Gladiators or: Somewhere Nitro Rolls Over in His Grave

The reviews are in for the revamped and modernized American Gladiators. From what I've read, they are ranging from bad to worse than watching your grandmother get nailed by a HIV-positive horse. Having seen a couple of episodes, I tend to lean towards the former, but I'm known as a generous individual. So how did NBC go so wrong?

There are a number of fundamental flaws with the new AG, from the trite, scripted Gladiatorial 'smack' talk (and I use that phrase loosely) to the nonsensical, post-event ramblings of both the contestants and the hosts. Shame on you, Hulkster. I would have expected it from Laila Ali, not from you Hulk. That little Hulkamaniac in me was dying to come out on Sunday night, just like an old WWF pay-per-view. Alas, he stayed buried deep within me, right alongside the memories of that time at sleep-away camp when it was dark and Counselor Joey wanted to play 'Touch the No No Zone" with the campers.

But I digress. NBC made some horrible casting decisions. The point of this is to see what might have been if the network had made more sensible choices when it came to filling the roles of the Gladiators and the show's hosts.

Hosts - On a show like Gladiators, it is imperative to have an experienced host. Obviously, Hogan and Ali don't have what it takes. If NBC wants a male/female duo, they should look no further than two of the great veterans of whatever genre Gladiators and its pre-pubescent second cousin Guts fall into: Joe Theismann and Moira Quirk.

Theismann, seen here being carted off the field during the last Monday Night Football broadcast of 2006 (ZING!), was one of the original hosts of Gladiators, alongside Mike Adamle, who, unbeknownst to me until this very minute, played in the NFL for the Chiefs, Jets and Bears and once ran for 316 yards in a collegiate game. Now spending his time getting bitched slapped by Jimmy Kimmel on live TV, Theismann must be dying to get back in the Gladiator game and make everyone forget the Todd Christensen and Larry Csonka years. In all seriousness, get the man back on TV. It's been way too long since he has had the chance to whine about the horrific leg break that become the gold standard for career ending injuries. So, one half of the booth is filled. Let's take a look at Theismann's better half:
Moira Quirk, aka Mo. We all know Mo. We all love Mo. She was the one responsible for making sense of the clusterfuck that was known as Guts and for keeping that asshat Mike O'Malley in line. A little Bill Simmons-esque sidenote here: didn't you always get the feeling that if you had the chance to compete on Guts, you would have dominated the other clowns on the show. I know I did, although I did have a reoccurring nightmare that I was scaling the Crag (that's what the popular kids used to call it) and couldn't find the actuators. I would keep searching and searching until finally the other two contestants had finished and I was left at the very first level, crying out for my mother. I had a strange childhood. Simmons-esque aside finished. Let me just hop in the shower real quick. Okay, back. Anyway, Mo is the perfect choice for the female co-host because she knows her way around competition and doesn't need to read off cue cards to introduce herself. And judging from her IMDB profile, she is available.

Other Candidates - Morbo. I must admit that I was a little tardy to the Futurama party. But what I missed in timing, I made up for in sheer volume of episodes. Morbo has a special talent. No one is capable of pointing out the deficiencies of humans quite like our large-headed green friend. Had he been announcing the premiere of the new American Gladiators, he would have referred to the woman who injured herself in the first 30 seconds of the first competition as "puny" and laughed at her for having two X chromosomes. "Puny woman, where is your Y chromosome when you need it!" Adds maniacal laughter for effect

One other name I'd like to throw into the ring is Alan Partridge. Loyal readers will know that I'm a big fan of this toothy Brit. With his down to earth style and his universal knowledge of all things sport, I think he could bring a lot to the Gladiator table.

No matter who NBC decided to bring into the booth, the show revolves around the Gladiators. It's not called American Midwives or American Caddies. No, its about the Gladiators pushing contestants in every physical way possible, outside of rape, although it is a little known fact that rape is sometimes encouraged. So it was absolutely vital that NBC not drop the ball on this one. Unfortunately, that is exactly what they did. They hired retarded stereotypes, she-males (not the sexy Thai kind) and fluffers for gay porn. Had they brought in the following and made them Gladiators, they might have a genuine hit on their hands and not just a filler until the writers quit bitching about DVD sales and iTunes. Just kidding! I love you guys, but honestly, if the Nip/Tuck season is cut short, someone is going to die.

The Ultimate Warrior - God knows where the Ultimate Warrior is these days. You could tell me he was running for a congressional seat in South Dakota and I would believe you. I'd also believe that he was living in a tent down in the Ozarks. Probably the latter is more likely. But you get my point. He is a wild card. You never know what he is going to bring. You put a script in front of his face and he chews it up and literally eats it. He will eat a fucking script if you put it in front of him. (Ed. note: Warrior may or may not actually eat script) If Warrior is on Gladiators, two thing are guaranteed: one, someone is getting maimed and two, someone is getting body slammed while being maimed. That's good television.

Courtney Paris - Who is Courtney Paris? I could list off some of her accomplishments at the University of Oklahoma. Instead, I will let you do the math:

Note to self: if ever in a room with Courtney Paris, make for nearest exit and alert local authorities that she has escaped her electrified pen.

Powerthirst Drinkers - I would imagine that most, if not all, of the Gladiators have taken some sort of performance enhancer at one time or another. But have they ever felt the surge of Powerthirst? Most likely. It would explain the actions of Toa and Wolf quite nicely.

A Beached Whale - Maybe I'm being a little harsh on Gladiator Hellga. But I get no pleasure in watching her stumble around the Gauntlet, letting women half her size run over, under and through her. You are a Gladiator for the love of Odin. Show some pride. She is easier to penetrate than Lindsay Lohan after a bottle of champagne and a pound of coke. If Bernie Kosar and Vinny Testaverde combined their semen and somehow impregnated a female sloth, the offspring produced would be more nimble than Hellga. What an embarrassment. Stop running her out there NBC. Get her out, sit her down and tell her to go back to whatever Norse saga she came from. In her stead, place a beached whale. Not only will the noxious smell deter contestants from approaching, it is also much easier to discard. Just wheel in a shitload of dynamite and blow it to hell. It's much less stressful than going through the process of firing someone.