Live Blog: Liverpool vs Newcastle

This is a first for me, a live blog.  Let's see how it goes.  I'll try to keep this as updated as possible then go back following the game to fix up any errors and to intersperse some pictures of hot chicks.

Pregame: Reporting live from the Fletchinator Dungeon of Sorrows, I'm the Fletchinator.  Joining me should be the Mighty Buntaro, but I'm not sure where he is right now.  It should make for an interesting commentary box, as I'm a die-hard Liverpool fan and he is a long-suffering member of the Toon Army.  This should be interesting.

They are showing a nifty Liverpool montage, chock full of the amazing Fernando Torres and I think I just felt a little twitch in my groin.  Yep, the Nando Boner counter just jumped up by 1.  Meanwhile, following that montage, they flashed some of the recent Newcastle lowlights.  My God, it's been a long time since they have won a game.  They have been dreadful some weeks. Poor Kevin Keegan.  As a Liverpool legend, I wish nothing but the best for him, but I think he is going to have to wait another week to end the winless streak. 

Team News: Liverpool - Big week ahead for the Reds.  They travel to Milan to see if they can hold on to a 2-0 advantage in the Champs. League and the team sheet reflects that.  Monster Masch is out with an injury knock, Skrtel is in the back with Carra.  Yossi "The Scientist" is in, as is Lucas and Jermaine Pennett.  Well, there goes stability.  I guess Rafa was tired of winning games easily with Babel on the left win.  Nando is up front by himself, but Gerrard will slot in behind him in an attacking midfield role.  Not really my favorite formation, but at least the gaffer didn't rotate out Stevie-G and Nando.

Newcastle: Smith and Owen up front.  That's a potent partnership.  To throw rocks at.  Alan Smith hasn't scored in a generation.  The analysts think that Duff and Milner will cause problems.  We will get the Mighty B's thoughts on that when he sits his ass down on the couch.

Kickoff: And we are off, L'pool going from right to left, meaning that they will be attacking the Kop end in the second half.  Always a good sign.

3:30 - Gerrand and Nando play a nice little one-two in the box.  Amounts to nothing but nice to know that they are thinking about each other.  I can't wait to name my first child, regardless of sex, Nando Stevie-G Fletchinator.

6:24 - Skrtel was just tossed into the ads behind the goal by Michael Owen.  Dick.  You can't do that to Skeletor, aka Squirt Squirt Skrtel.

7:30 - Corner to the Magpies.  First threatening action from them.  N'Zog to take, punched by Pepe Reina.  That looked awkward.  But Liverpool clear.

9:00 - Hopes are not high for the Mighty B, who has joined me but is barely paying attention to the game.  Right now his major concern is figuring out where the m'fing box is to send the m'fing broken Xbox back to those greedy m'fers at Microsoft.

10:12 - Nando streaking down the right flank.  Cuts in, shoots...Saved by Steve Harper.  Results in a corner that comes to nothing.  Almost had another addition to the Nando Boner counter.  Can't wait to break the 1k mark this season.

14:00 - Almost 15 minutes into the game and Michael Owen has not touched the ball.  Mighty B is focused on his smoothie right now.

16:15 - Good play outside the box by Liverpool.  Riise with the cross, but Nando can't reach the header and Toon clear their lines and break.  And somehow get a corner at the other end.  First comment from the Mighty B about the strike partnership, "Why is Smith is in?  He hasn't scored in 2 years.  It's one thing to keep a guy in after 10 games and say 'He is due' but this is a completely different thing.  When was the last time he scored?  I might have been in college."

18:24 - Gerrard with a speculative shot.  Easily held by Harper.  Last week one of those took a bounce of the Bolton goalie, Jussi Juskalaanen's (sp?) face and into the goal.  A strange goal indeed.

20:44 - L'pool corner, takes a deflection in the box, but amounts to nothing.  Torres tracks back to snuff out a counter attack.  Love the dedication.

23:39 - Newcastle break, Owen's shot deflected.  I needed that to wake me up a little.  Not much happening right now.  

24:45 - Free kick to Newcastle outside the box on the right wing.  A position of genuine menace but a terrible kick.  Mighty B's take "It's okay, I still love you, N'Zog."  Then goes back to trying to pronounce "Niko Kranjaer (sp?)"

28:22 - Lucas goes down in the box, not a penalty but any chance, but the Reds keep possession and get a free kick on the right.  Gerrard's service is punched away by Harper.  The Mighty B is disgusted that "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" grossed over $100 million.

30:00 - Faye with a sloppy back pass goes out of bounds, corner kick.  Nothing.  Ugh.  Not pretty.  England manager Fabio Capello is in attendance.  He is not pleased.  But then again, he is displeased when getting head, too.  Or so I hear.

32:30 - Pennent down the right flank.  Out for a corner.  Hopefully this will be better.  But it isn't.  Harper catches and initiates a Newcastle attack.  Which of course, leads to nothing.  And the midfield attrition continues.  Pardon me while I watch paint dry.

35:15 - Nice interception by The Woodman, Arbeloa, and is fouled.  Kick free kick taken, Gerrard shoots, saved by Harper.  That was cheeky.

36:25 - Good pressure from the Reds.  Hasn't amounted to much.  The Ginger Legend unleashes a half-cross/half-shot that accomplishes nothing besides giving the ball away.  Riise has really sucked this year.  There I said it.  He has been one of the worst regulars this season.  I never thought I would long for Fabio Aurelio, but right now I find myself longing for a man named Fabio.

38:11 - The Mighty Buntaro just gave me an abridged version of Chevy Chase's biography.  It's safe to say he is less than enthralled with this game.  He is now onto Natalie Portman.

41:05 - Gerrard with a bursting run into the box, gets clipped by Jose Enrique, but doesn't get the call and the ball goes out for goal kick.  The Mighty B is much more impressed with Portman's schooling than his team right now.  I'm not sure he could name the starting 11.  Confidence is not high for the Toon Army right now.

42:45 - UNBELIEVABLE GOAL!!! 1-0 Liverpool.  Nando plays in Pennant, but Jose Enrique gets there first.  He tries to clear, but it deflects right off Pennant's shin and loops in over Harper's head and into the goal.  Outrageous turn of events and completely unfair to Newcastle.  Meanwhile, James Milner limps off the field injured and is replaced by Geremi.  The season of misery continues.

45:00 - AND ANOTHER!!!  2-0 Liverpool.  One-two with Nando and Gerrard around midfield releases Stevie down the left flank.  He plays a perfect cross to Torres, who dummies Harper to the ground, rounds him, jizzes on his face and slots home into an open net.  He just can't stop scoring.  25th goal of the season for Nando, 19th in the Prem.  Boner Counter is up to 933.  We might top the 1000 mark this game.

Halftime score: 2-0 Liverpool.  Unfortunate turn of events for Newcastle who defended bravely for the first 40 minutes of the half.  Things fell apart at the end of the half.  You can't see Newcastle coming back from this.  The Mighty B is not happy right now.  I must ice my fingers.

Second Half kickoff:  Not much of a halftime.  Mighty B might not be long for this game.  He mentioned how he needs to take a shower.  Perhaps to wash off the stink of this performance.

46:35 - Mighty B bemoaning the lack of leadership at Newcastle.  He offers a pointed criticism of Joey Barton and Michael Owen.  Their spokesmen denied comment.

50:15 - GOALLLL!!!  Nando returns the favor to Gerrard, who is released by the Spaniard, clips it over Harper and into the goal!  3-0 to the Reds.  And it gets worse for Magpies.  The Mighty B has accepted that Newcastle has a relegation battle on their hands.

54:25 - Newcastle has the spirit of a dying mule.  I haven't seen a team this dispirited since...well I can't really think of one.  Let's just say that morale is at an all time low.  It looks like the Newcastle players would rather have their scrotums shorn with sandpaper than play the remainder of this game.

56:11 - Not sure where the Newcastle defense is, but Liverpool almost scored 2 more goals off the foot of Gerrard.  This could get ugly soon.  The one thing going for Newcastle is that Liverpool is likely to take off Nando and Gerrard with the big trip to Inter in a couple of days.

59:45 - The Mighty B is going off on Alan Smith.  Some choice tidbits: "He shouldn't even be in the Prem.  He doesn't fucking do anything.  I could score more goals then him, I should be in the Prem."

62:48 - The barrage of corners continues.  This is getting out of hand.  Pepe Reina is now sporting a Liverpool hat.  Good for him.  Dirk Kuyt is coming in.  Fans of the Goonies rejoice.

65:30 - The announcers are ripping on Oba Martins for going down after getting kicked in the chest.  That was kind of harsh.  On the substitution front, Kuyt comes in for Stevie-G.  Great performance by the captain, scoring a goal and creating another.  He has been on a tear recently.  Fun to watch.

66:58 - Oba Martins breaks free of the defense, cuts in on his left, shoots, but it is easily saved by Reina.  That was their best chance of the game and, to be fair, it was pretty tame.  On an unrelated note, I am really hungry right now.

69:21 - A crazy volley effort for Martins from about 45 yards out.  It caught Reina off the line but the goalie was saved by the crossbar.  How is Martin's not starting for Newcastle?  It boggles the mind.

71:09 - Nando is coming out.  I'm sad, but I know that this is the right move.  Peter Crouch, aka Human Marmite, enters in his stead.  

73:33 - Worst decision of the Mighty B's life: buying a bag of Mediterranean 3-cheese Kettle chips.  He is not long for this game. 

76:49 - "Fire everyone on the team.  Keep Given, keep Harper, keep Oba and fire everyone else."  That is Mighty B's solution.  And right now it seems reasonable.  He has left the room and doesn't care what the final score is.  Good thing we are getting drunk tonight.  That will help ease the pain.

84:23 - To be honest, I've stopped paying attention to this game.  It's wrapped up.  It was a solid Liverpool performance, highlighted by outstanding displays from their stars: Nando and Stevie Boy.  The verdict on Newcastle is much harsher.  Right now, they are not a good team.  Couple that with their obvious lack of determination and motivation and it is clear why they are in a relegation dogfight.

That was a nice little experiment.  Check this space for more live blogging in the future and for an updated tally on the Nando Boner Counter.