Happy Holidays from Chicks, Beer, Sports and Video Games

It's that time of year again. The time when people have to pretend to be excited about seeing relatives; the time when unfortunate souls have to look loved ones in the eye after opening a package full of worthlessness and say "I love it." The travel, the last minute shopping, the organizing of family get-togethers...it all adds up. And here you are, looking for something to take your mind off of the December hell that you life has quickly become. Sorry, I'm not sure how to break this to you, but, it's a solo flight for the next couple of weeks. Maintaining a modicum of sanity will be difficult, but with determination and a strong will, you will survive without my incoherent ramblings and nonsensical observations.

In all seriousness- because being serious is what this blog is all about- have a great holiday season. Get wasted, hook up with randomers, play new video games and watch sports like it's going out of style. Because from what I've gleaned from studying old people, it eventually does go out of style. Try not to let that get you down too much.

Enjoy the holidays, everyone.

The Remember Laughter Register Re-post

My two loyal readers are always telling me that I should post my fantasy football e-newsletter up on CBSVG. Because I have nothing else for today, why not? Please keep in mind that this is a family publication and does not feature kid-unfriendly language like "cock" or "yabbos." Or any pictures of hot chicks. That feature has yet to be introduced. All scoring and player valuation comes from the PremierLeague.com fantasy game. Please disregard all spelling and grammatical errors. I'm lazy.

The Remember Laughter Register

Volume XV, 12/19/08

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas! That’s a theme that has ongoing in the Register for the past couple of weeks, but it cannot be stressed enough. Now is the time that teams often make a move in the standings and the same opportunity is there for every fantasy owner, as well. Teams will be playing as many as four games between now and the first weekend of January. Expect changes at the top and bottom of the league. Well, maybe not at the bottom. West Brom sort of has that spot locked up for the time being. Be bold. Use that wildcard if it is still available. Optimize lineups and pay attention to who is playing and who is out. EPL managers will be busy spending this holiday season strategizing the best way to make the most out of this condensed schedule. Wise fantasy owners would do the same. So put down that egg nog, throw away the Xmas cards and forget to tip the mailman. There are more important things at stake here.


Star of the Week – Antonio Valencia, Wigan Athletic

It was quite a week for Steve Bruce’s highly sought after midfielder. Arguably Wigan’s best player this season, Valencia drove the final nails into Paul Ince’s managerial career at Blackburn with an inspired display during his team’s 3-0 victory. He had a part in each of the goals, tallying two assists and bagging one goal and also picked up clean sheet and bonus points. All told, Valencia was the top point getter in fantasy last week and has been rock solid all season. Wigan owes a lot to the midfielder and will be wise to hold off the advances of bigger clubs looking to secure his services.

Honorable mention: Steven Gerrard, Heurelho Gomes, Gabriel Agbonlahor


Scalawag of the Week – Paul Ince, Blackburn Rovers

No doubt that heads are bowed in solemn morning for the passing of one of the most inept managers in the Prem. Perhaps that is unfair to Ince, but recent form indicates that he struggled mightily to handle the pressures of the top flight. A winless run that reached double digits ultimately doomed Ince, but one could argue that given a team stripped of its most influential player (David Bentley) and one of the best keepers in the league (Brad Friedel), he never really had a chance. Things are pretty bleak right now for the Lancashire club and the winter months will prove to be even crueler unless Sam Allardyce can make an immediate impact for a team teetering on the edge of the relegation point of no return.

Dishonorable mention: Kevin Davies, Dmitar Berbatov, Tony Adams


Through the Looking Glass – Next Week’s Fixtures (Deadline to make transfers is 20 December 6:30am EST)

Blackburn v Stoke City
Bolton v Portsmouth
Fulham v Middlesbrough
Hull City v Sunderland
West Ham v Aston Villa
West Brom v Man City
Newcastle v Tottenham
Arsenal v Liverpool
Everton v Chelsea


Keep an Eye On – Nemanja Vidic, Manchester United, $7.1 million

A poor man’s John Terry, Vidic is a towering presence in both boxes. Guaranteed a start no matter what the circumstance, Vidic racks up clean sheets like a street sweeper cleaning up a dirty New York City road. Much to the delight of owners around the world, the big man will also bulge the old onion bag a handful of times throughout the season, either from corners or other set pieces. Essentially you are getting the exact same player as Terry, at about $.5m less, without the crying and missing crucial penalty kicks. There’s no downside here, really.


Under the Radar – Antonio Valencia, Wigan Athletic, $6.1 million

Star of the week gets the nod for Under the Radar. Even without Amr Zaki, Wigan maintained its mid-table position thanks in large part to Valencia. Expect a big rise in value for Valencia in the coming weeks. Expect more points from Valencia in the coming weeks. Expect teams like Liverpool and Manchester United to inquire about how much Valencia costs in coming weeks. Much like Charles’s Law, as Valencia’s renown continues to increase around the league, expect the price to keep rising in fantasy football.


Link-o-the-Week

Bored at work? Worry not, friend. Take this footballer’s quiz and see if you can correctly guess who has the horrifying hair: http://quizible.com/quiz/football-haircuts/540

I am the Smartest Man In the World. Challenge Me!

Ran across this little ditty today and I'll pass it along since you must be bored given that you came to this site.

Test your geography knowledge.

When you fail to beat my impressive score take solace in the fact that back in elementary score I was a perennial contender for selection into the National Geography Bee. Falling short of the ultimate goal of world geography domination, I'll have to get by knowing that my Traveler IQ score is likely never to be bested. Go ahead and try. Loser.

Here's my high score. It's something to strive for, but don't even think of beating it.

This Traveler IQ was calculated on Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 01:41AM GMT by comparing this person's geographical knowledge against the Web's Original Travel diary's 3,434,546 travelers who've taken the challenge.

Netflix Now: The Machine Girl

The Netflix Now post is a new feature that I'd like to introduce to CBSVG for when I can't come up with something more interesting to write about. The premise is simple: suggest a movie that incorporates one of the four tenets of this blog and write a brief review of it without paying any attention to important things like plot, directing or any of that mis en scene bullshit that I learned about in college. After reading the review, decide for yourself if it's worth a Netflix rental. If you disagree with my judgement of the film, you will be assassinated. This is a tyrannical blog.

First up in the Netflix Now queue: The Machine Girl

Just take a look at the poster for this movie:

and try to tell me that isn't awesome. I defy you to. Go ahead, I'll wait.

It's a hot Japanese college student, in a school girl outfit no less, with a mother fucking machine gun for an arm. It took every bit of my strength not to write that previous sentence in all caps with about 14 billion explanation points.

In this movie, the following things will happen:

• A person will be skinned alive by bullets
• An arm will be deep fried and turned into human tempura
• The most powerful ninja stars in existence will be thrown
• There is a drill bra
• A hot Asian chick will try to get revenge on the yakuza with a machine gun for an arm.
  
• The Fletchinator will pop a boner and beat off to said hot Asian chick

If that isn't enough to whet your appetite, then you are one of two things: a pussy or a girl. If you are the former, then watch this movie anyway and your pussy bitch status will be revoked for a period of 3 weeks. Think of it as a probationary period. If you are the former, then please leave the site and read something from Oprah's Book Club.

Without giving too much away, this is by far the bloodiest movie I've ever seen (a list that includes Saving Private Ryan, Ichi the Killer and various blood letting snuff films that I found under my parents' bed). But it manages to never take itself to seriously and reminds me of a collection of live action Mortal Kombat fatalities played for 96 straight minutes more than anything else. There's humor, gore and hot chicks abound in The Machine Girl. The only downside is that there is no nudity here but I can let it side here because there is such an excess of everything else.

Here's the trailer:


Those who have also seen it, please leave your impressions in the comments. Or don't. I'm just trying to help here.

Breaking Up Is Never Easy

Dear Pro Evolution Soccer 2009,
This is something that I hoped you and I could avoid but now, looking back, I see the path to heartbreak was simply inevitable. Let me preface the proceeding letter by letting you know that I will always cherish the time we spent together and a part of my heart will always beat to the PES tune. This is neither fun nor easy for me, but it is something I have to do. I have to walk away from you. I'm sorry Pro Evo but we are through.

Please, don't say anything or try to win me back. Just pack your bags and leave. It's harsh, I know, but it's what I need right now and you stopped caring about my needs a long time ago. You can't sway my decisions by bringing up the impeccable gameplay that you used to offer or the attention to real life soccer physics that made me fall in love with you in the first place, so many years ago. We've been through a lot, you and I, and I thank you for everything you've given me, but surely you must know that I wasn't going to put up with your refusal to change forever. Maybe we were both being naive: you thinking that I'd stick around even with your outdated graphics, lack of official licensing and mediocre online play and me thinking that next year would be different. It's best if we both agree that mistakes were made and move on with our lives.

The truth is I was willing to put up with your shortcomings when you were a superior title. It was easy to look past them when you gave me the best. But you're no longer the best. That's a tough pill to swallow. You're like an attractive girl who doesn't give head. Well, guess what, I've found someone hotter and continuing the simile from the previous sentence, the game gives amazing blodia. I'm not shallow, I just have high expectations that you were no longer able to meet.

I think you know who I'm playing now. It's Fifa. That must sting your pride given how I swore to stay loyal to you. In the past I would have been the first one to defend your honor; now it's near impossible to see you favorably in comparison. This shouldn't come as a surprise and, in fact, has been coming for some time. I'm just one of the last ones out the door.

So, where does that leave us going forward? Come talk to me again when you figure things out for yourself. I'm happy now and I expect you to respect that. Maybe this is the wake up call you need to get back to doing what you do best: bringing gamers the best goddamn soccer title out there. To see you land back on your feet would give me great pleasure and should you turn things around maybe I can see you again. As friends. You broke my heart, Pro Evo, and that wound is going to take a long time to heal.

I'm leaving now. Like I said, don't follow me. Let's make a clean break of it. I thank you for the hours of enjoyment you provided me. Good luck and good bye, old friend.

Best wishes,
The Fletchinator

Thanksgiving + Vacation = No Posting

It's been a great food coma. I woke up just in time to start the NFL double header on CBS and enjoy the Plaxico Burress-less Giants take on the Skins. My day should gradually continue to improve up until 4:15pm when it will precipitously fall off a cliff. But I don't want to dwell on the negative. I'm on vacation. Sorry loyal reader, but there will be scant updates in the next day or two. Pass the time by playing this game:

Fun Times!

Or head into the bathroom and get reacquainted with Adriana Lima:

The Return, Part 2: Friday Night Clairvoyance

Back in the day, when I was a fledgling blogger and an anti-social hermit, I used to do a semi-regular Friday column called "Friday Night Clairvoyance" that was my look ahead to the weekend in CBSVG because I was too lazy to put in the effort for any sort of weekend blogging. Aside from the occasional weekend live blog, I'm generally too lazy for any weekend posting; now my lethargy extends to Friday, as well. So that's the explanation behind the lack of predictions over the past few months. But you probably already assumed that.

Saturday is shaping up to be one of the great sporting days of 2008. Huge college football games litter the schedule, topped off by the epic Texas Tech/Oklahoma matchup. It's a perfect day for 12 hours of binge drinking. Are you up for the challenge? You better be. Here's what to expect this weekend:

Michigan State vs Penn State - The Nittany Lions have a chance to wrap up the Big Ten championship with a win over the Spartans at Beaver Stadium in Happy Valley. Repeat that last part again: Beaver Stadium in Happy Valley. Unless a team starts playing games at Cunt Stadium in Vag Valley, I'm pretty sure Penn State has the most sexually perverse home stadium in college football. That being said, the power of the innuendo leads the Nittany Lions to a 31-24 win over Michigan State.

BYU vs Utah - Regardless of who wins the Holy War and claims MWC superiority, Mormon chicks WILL be getting finger blasted Saturday night. They love that shit. Utah stays undefeated 41-31.

Michigan vs Ohio State - No one cares.

Texas Tech vs Oklahoma - The big one. The one that cannot possibly live up to the hype surrounding it. The one that won't even be close. The one that Oklahoma wins handily 45-28. The one that ruins Tech's chances of a national championship. The one that you should black out during halftime due to alcohol consumption. If you aren't time traveling during the second half of this game, then consider your Saturday an abject failure.

In case you forgot, there are some great NFL games also. So much football it hurts my face just thinking about it.

Games of Some Importance:
Jets vs Titans - Division leaders battle in Tennessee. Ugly uniforms no doubt will be on display. Titans try to hold on to its undefeated record, while Brett Favre attempts to squeeze more fun out of football. It will be interesting to see how much fun Brett has with Albert Haynesworth's junk on his head. Titans 23, Jets 14.

Dolphins vs Patriots - This could almost be considered an elimination game. That being the case...please, please, pretty please Dolphins win this game. Work some of that Wildcat magic again and and injure multiple Pats players. That's not too much to ask, is it? Fins 31, Sons of Lucifer 28.

Giants vs Cardinals - Are the Cards for real? Or are they a paper lion, a robin-sized bird that feats upon the birdseed of the NFC West but chokes when facing the league's condors? Does that bird metaphor even make sense? No. But it was still fun for everyone involved. Giants 40, Cards 24.

Hot Chick Alert - For no reason in particular, here's a picture of a hot chick who goes by the name of Eiko Koike. I'm sure you've never heard of her, but that doesn't take away from the fact that she has reeeeeeeeediculous yabbos.


Um, okay, that's just retarded. I'm not sure if I can continue.

Yeah, my mind just turned into a gooey paste. Thanks a lot Eiko.

Still Alive and Kicking

It's been lonely at CBSVG this past week. I've been getting evil stares from my blog about the lack of attention it has received. Never one for excuses, I'm just going to swallow my pride and admit that I was held hostage by Somali pirates. It was a hellish experience and one will be impossible to forget. But, the important thing to know is that I'm back and ready to dispense wisdom and childish humor two to three times a week, all for your enjoyment.

Time to make up for lost time. Here's a quick round-up of Chicks, Beer, Sports and Video Games to segue into a much more significant post tomorrow. On a Friday night no less. See what I'm willing to sacrifice for my fans?

Jeopardy style Q & A:
A: What is the above picture?
Q: The only acceptable reason for a man to purchase December's issue of Allure.

For English Premier League fans out there, do yourself a favor and watch Fanzone every once in a while. It's usually on at some weird hour and the game isn't live so there's a good chance you know the score anyway, but honestly, who cares? This is about dedicated fans rooting for their team and giving the most biased play by play commentary this side of Dicky V broadcasting a Duke game. Need proof that this show kicks ass? Watch away:


(Video compliments of The Offside and The Beautiful Game)

On the video game front, a new Mortal Kombat title just dropped (I'm so clearly from the ghetto). Not to date myself, but I was in 6th or 7th grade when the first MK was released. Let it be known that many quarters were spent playing that game, trying to figure out how to do the goddamn Fatalities. For a wee lad of 12 or 13, they were nigh on impossible to pull off. But as I grew older, and newer MKs came out, I was able to hold my own against some of the older kids at the Varsity Club, with their wispy mustaches and rat tails. In my opinion the pinnacle of the series is MK2, so here are the Fatalities from that memorable title.



What would any round up be without some drunken buffoonery? Certainly not a recap on CBSVG. When I'm an 83-year old woman, I hope to be able to pull off as an impressive a kegstand. Given that I can barely do a push up, I have my work cut out for me.

Live Blog - Jets vs Patriots

AFC East supremacy is at stake tonight. About down time someone throws a wrench in the Patriots juggernaut. Brady going down on week one was a good sign, now the Jets can put the second nail in the coffin tonight. Not the final nail, but a sturdy one. So, to honor the occasion, I figured I'd break out another live blog. Just like a bad case of the herp, I'm back. Pop some Valtrex and prepare for 3+ hours of inane observations. Side note: I'm watching alongside a huge Jets fan. I'll try to get some audio at some point.

8:09 - We don't get the NFL Network in New York, so we are watching on the CW Network right now. Let's just say that they've dropped the ball so far. Apparently the people singing the National Anthem (homely chicks) are cursing because half the song has been bleeped out. Great start CW. Loved how you started the broadcast with some audio from what sounded like a cross between Gossip Girl/90210/and the gayest nightmare that you can imagine.

8:15 - The game is underway. Over/under on Favre turnovers this game is holding steady at 3.5. I'll take the under, but that's just because I'm an optimist.

8:18 - First third down of the night. First opportunity for an explosion from the guy directly to my left.

8:22 - Challenge goes Jets way. And there is much rejoicing.

8:24 - Another big Jets 3rd down conversion on a crisp Favre pass down the seam. Well thrown ball and a big pickup for the Jets.

8:26 - TD for the Jets. Screen pass to Leon Washington who sneaks his way into the endzone. Great start for Gang Green. And Gillette Stadium falls silent.

8:35 - Pats driving. This is the only time you'll see me write BenJarvis Green-Ellis. From now on he will be known as BJ GE. Or maybe just Beej for short. He's been ineffective so far. Beej.

8:40 - I'm about to drop a little knowledge on you. Bill Belichick's spawn, Amanda, is not attractive. She looks just like him. And she is a huge whore. Suck on that Billers. Your daughter is a slut and loves cock.

8:42 = FG to the Pats. 7-3. Nice bend but don't break defense from the Jets.

8:47 - Dustin Keller, breakout tight end of the season. He and Favre have some telepathic shit going on. That was unexpected heading into the season and the football equivalent finding a $20 bill in a crumpled pair of khakis.

8:49 - Patriots tackling on a Brad Smith carry = fail.

8:51 - Two Favre tosses into the endzone, the first one should have been caught, the second one would have been a tough catch in traffic, but both fell incomplete. FG is good, 10-3 Jets. Remember this as a wasted opportunity for New York.

9:00 - Red zone alert for the Pats. Fade to Moss is terribly overthrown. He had single coverage and the ball sailed 15 ft over his head. No wonder why this guy hasn't started since high school. Jets hold. FG attempt is good, 10-6 Jets.

9:05 - Leon Washington return TD!!!! 17-6. His fourth return of the season for a score. Second TD of the game. The Pats are shellshocked. Amanda Belichick just spit the cock out of her mouth in disgust.

9:12 - Jets defense is looking pretty good right now. That might be a jinx. But whatever, my two eyes are telling me that they want this more than the Pats right now. No rhythm in the New England offense right now.

9:18 - No one bothered to guard Jericho Cotchery on a first down. Jets will take 15 yards all day. Patriots, are you planning on showing up tonight?

9:21 - Speaking of Cotchery, unbelievable one-handed catch on the sideline while getting raped by a defender.

9:22 - This drive is owned by Cotchery. Just scored a TD by breaking a tackle and stretching across the goalline. Jets offense on fire right now. NBA Jam type fire. Boomshakalaka, mother bitches.

9:24 - Just an FYI - this game is 24-6 right now. Can't imagine even the most optimistic Jets fan thought that this would be the score with 5 minutes left in the first half.

9:30 - Kris Jenkins just ate Heath Evans for a late dinner. That's how you devour fullback dive. Fullback dive tastes a lot like meatballs.

9:31 - 4th down...Sacked. Not sure if that's the right call. Jets have all the momentum right now. A TD before halftime might put this baby to bed early.

9:35 - I'd love to see an incompetence suck off between NFL officials and the umps from the MLB playoffs. Both have been awful. Is it too much to expect some professionalism from the judicial branch of our sporting events.

9:38 - 1:44 left in the first half, Pats ball. Jets would be wise to not let up on this drive. A 24-6 lead at the half is much nicer than 24-13.

9:41 - Another 4th down, Cassell runs the old DGFL favorite, QB Wedge, to pick up the first. Lame.

9:43 - Pats score with 15 ticks left in the half. Mangini can not be happy right now. Something might get thrown in the locker room for the lack of intensity shown by the Jets on the drive. Or he might just shoot a Soprano's cameo. Either way, someone might get whacked.

9:48 - Halftime: 24-13. Great first half for the Jets, although they will be disappointed about the late TD.

10:01 - Back to the live action. Rousing halftime of Youtube videos. Highlights include: RBI Baseball Bunt Home Run and Kermit the Frog Reacts to 2 Girls 1 Cup.

10:04 - Promising drive stopped as Ben Watson just decided to drop the ball under very little pressure. Jets pick up the fumble and restore order to the universe.

10:08 - So that drive didn't go anywhere for the Jets. Favre took a pair of sacks and New York goes three and out. Might we see a momentum shift here? Let's see what transpires on this Pats drive. If they can score a TD here, well, we might have ourselves a little bit of a game. Which would suck. I was comfortable with a Jets blowout. Now I'm uncomfortable. Time to remove the anal beads.

10:14 - Best way to kill a drive, fuck up a snap and lose 25 yards on one play. That pretty much will kill anything. No play for 2nd and 30. At least not in any playbook that I'm familiar with.

10:20 - Leon Washington. Guy gets the job done. Just picked up a big first down on a 3rd and 9. Jets have already entered milk the clock mode. Milk it. Milk it. /makes milking gesture with both hands.

10:28 - Conversation has shifted to Viagra and why men can't get it up. Someone threw out 'circulation problems,' which makes sense. I went with 'men just get tired of sticking their penis in the same hole for 25 years.' Probably a little bit of column A and a little bit of column B.

10:31 - FYI - According to some people in this room, if you're from New England, you're a bad person. Sounds about right.

10:34 - 3rd down penalty on the Jets gifts the Pats a first down. Things just got punched. Not people, which is good, but inanimate objects are on high alert right now.

10:36 - Matt Cassell scrambles, buys time, and completes a TD pass to Ben Watson. Big play for a guy who literally dropped the ball earlier in the quarter. Pats go for 2. And they get it. Gafney, wide open. Pats only down 3. 24-21. This should be a good 4th quarter. Ruing the fact that I need to go to work tomorrow.

10:42 - To say that the Jets defense is out of sync right now would be a huge understatement. Now is the time to assert their dominance and show the Pats that there is a new dog in town. Jets pick up a huge first down. That might settle their nerves.

10:46 - And by settling nerves, I didn't mean Jericho Cotchery fumbling the ball right into the Patriots lap. Things are looking dicey right now for New York. Their defense needs to make a stop right now. If they don't, no prostitutes for after the game.

10:49 - Cassell rips off a huge run. Jets defense is folding worse than moist origami in a $2 suit draped on a whore. That whore comment doesn't make sense, but I haven't hit my derogatory comments towards women quota yet.

10:51 - FG ties the game at 24. Pats have scored 18 straight points. Things are not good in Jetsville right now.

10:54 - Huge drive right now for the Jets. They need points here. Preferably a touchdown. Touchdowns are nice. Especially when the defense hasn't stopped anyone in the 2nd half.

10:57 - Jets in good position right now. Favre showing that he still has it as he whips in a pass to Keller. This could be the defining moment of the Jets 2008 season.

10:59 - I don't have a word right now for larger than huge, but the Jets just converted on 3rd and 2, and that's bigger than huge rightn ow. 4 minutes left in the game and this is looking like at least a guaranteed 3 points for the Jets. If I jinxed them, then I apologize. Let's see how this transpires.

11:02 - Things might be going the Jets way tonight as they pick up a first down on a Pats penalty. Hmm. Dubious call, but New York fans will take it. Gang Green knocking on the doorstep. Matt Cassell might have to pull off a Brady like comeback after the Jets score. Too bad he isn't Brady and he definitely isn't fucking Gisele tonight.

11:08 - Jets TD. Crushing drive from the Jets as they go up 7. Pats are going to have just over 3 minutes with one time out left to try to tie this up. Things might be thrown soon, regardless of the outcome of this Pats drive.

11:13 - The last thing the Pats needed was a three and out and that is exactly what the Jets got. New England punts. First down for the Jets probably ends this.

11:15 - 3rd and 2 upcoming. Two minute warning. If the Jets get this, chalk up a tally in the win column for the good guys.

11:18 - Jets come up a little short on a run up the middle. Clock keeps ticking. Jets will now punt giving the Pats about 1:10 left to work.

11:20 - 64 seconds is all that stands in the way of a Jets victory tonight. That and any last second heroics the Pats pull. Which would suck if it ended up happening.

11:21 - New England in striking distance right now. 25 yards out.

11:23 - 8 seconds. 2 plays maybe.

11:25 - Unbelievable Randy Moss TD. With one fucking second left. We are a PAT away from OT. This sucks. I love Moss but this sucks.

11:26 - We might have a broken BlackBerry. Parts went flying.

11:28 - PAT good. Overtime beckons.

11:29 - Had you told me that Matt Cassell would have 400 yards tonight I would have not believed you. In fact, that would have been the last thing I'd expect. Pats squib the kickoff and this game now rests on the result of a coin toss.

11:31 - Jets call tails. Tails it is. Jets are starting with the ball. This is has been a great game so far. It's a shame that it will have to end with sudden death. I think I just swallowed my tongue.

11:34 - Kickoff goes for a touchback. Jets are going to have to string together a drive. They only did it once in the 2nd half. This is the type of game that Favre either wins it or loses it. And it generally happens quickly.

11:35 - Sack on first down. Not the start that the Jets needed. The pressure mounts. That gods are frowning on the Jets. That is something that I can't understand. The gods are fickle bastards.

11:35 - Patriots decided that Dustin Keller had AIDS and the Plague. That is the only reason I can think of why no one guarded him. He was wide open 15 yards down the field.

11:40 - Favre is making magic happen right now. Jets are firmly in FG range. We might not see Matt Cassell again tonight.

11:42 - 33 yard FG to win the game. Jay Feely, does he have it?

11:44 - Jets win! FG to win. Jets win. That was intense. I need a shower.

Puppy Cam Is Taking Over My Life

This is the most adorable thing I've seen all year. I can't stop watching these little bundles of cuteness. My favorite is Ayumi (yellow collar) but I'd love to hear what other people think. Vote away:



Video courtesy of UStream.tv.

Vote Tomorrow

Whoever you like as a candidate, go out and vote for that person tomorrow tomorrow. Or else I will kill babies. Do you want dead babies on your conscience? Didn't think so. So get there early or late, whatever, just get there.

The Next 24 Hours Will Be Interesting

Congrats are in order to the Philadelphia Phillies for their World Series triumph this evening over the Tampa Bay Rays. Game 5, drawn out over three days was pretty entertaining to watch, but not nearly as exciting as what's going to happen in the sporting world over the next 24 hours. Here's 10 fearless predictions for what to expect in the coming hours.

1. In Philadelphia, there will be rioting, glorious, senseless rioting. Perhaps looting, as well. Raping and pillaging are not expected but arson is. Destruction of property is a given. So there will be slightly less criminal activity in Philly for the next day. Cops will be happy.

2. Millions of Americans will wake up tomorrow surprised to see a baseball celebration on the front page of the sports section. They will ask family members, train acquaintances and co-workers "Didn't the season end three weeks ago?" before returning to cups of dog piss coffee.

3. Bud Selig will remove his mouth from Fox Sports CEO David Hill's cock and ask Rupert Murdoch to kindly stop fucking him up the ass with a dollar bill laced condom long enough to award the Phillies the Commissioner's Trophy. He will then return to getting Eiffel Tower'ed by Hill and Murdoch.

4. This man will commit suicide by any means necessary:
5. Cubs fans will once again take solace in the fact that another 'cursed' team won the World Series and begin to dream of glory for next season. Then they will be rudely awakened from this reverie by the realization that they are pathetic losers and go back to hating life.

6. Instead of dragging his wife through the streets of Boston by her hair, Brett Myers will break a bottle of champagne over her head, then drag her through the streets of Philly by her bloody, matted mess of hair.

7. Ryan Howard will eat this:

8. Evan Longoria will get over his 1 for 20 performance in the World Series secure in the knowledge that one day, in the not too distant future, he will have redemption. He will also down multiple tequila shots out of a stripper's cleavage. That will help ease the pain.

9. Joe Maddon will regret not using David Price from the start of Game 5's second part. He will regret the mohawk on his head even more. But most of all, he will regret looking like a douchebag all season with those stupid glasses.

10. Thousands of Phillies will make personal promises not to boo the team next year no matter what happens. Then they will realize they are lying, eat a cheesesteak, watch Sixth Sense and bemoan the insufficiency of the black QB at the helm of the Eagles.

Quite Possibly the Funniest Video of All-Time

If you don't follow the Premier League, especially Liverpool, you probably won't find this very funny, but if your a fan, oh boy, you're in for a treat so tasty you'd swear you were eating a Zagnut. Behold Rafa, Stevie G, Carra, Michael Owen and Peter Crouch as you've never heard them before:



For some reference, here are some not hilarious interviews of each individual impersonated by the anonymous impressionist.

Rafa Benitez:


Steven Gerrard:


Jamie Carragher:


Michael Owen:


Peter Crouch:


Lots of dude on here right now. Time for a random hot chick picture. Here's a tasty picture of former jailbait, now perfectly legitimate jerk material, Hayden Panettiere:

A Question to Mull Before Bed

That's Mystique from the X-Men series. Her mutant power is that she can shapeshift into just about any human form. Do you think she beats off more as a girl, a guy or goes about 50/50? I can't decide. I'm thinking she is about a 75/25 female/male split.

Good night and good luck.

This Is For My Own Good

There are certain things in life that perplex me and from time to time I like to collect my thoughts and compile a list of said things, whether it be people, actions or other everyday occurrences that happen during my daily routine. Often times, the perplexity that comes over me gradually evolves into downright anger. So it would be fair to say that when something boggles my mind, most likely because of abject stupidity, I can go a little bit off the deep end. Which is why my doctor suggested that I write these down in one place and not go after people with a machete imbued machine gun, like the great Anger Rampage of '03.

This list will grow in time, but for right now, it's important to release the angry through my fingers and into the keyboard. If you can't stand the nonsensical grumblings of a grouchy curmudgeon, you might want to navigate to another page.

Things that I don't understand and, therefore, piss me off

If your standing on a subway car and the door keeps trying to cut you in half lengthwise, why is it so hard to realize that you need to get the fuck off the train? It shouldn't take the not so gentle prodding of automatic metal doors to tell you that you can't fit. People need to go to their miserable jobs or escape the hellish existence of their miserable jobs and you are only holding up that important process.

Why is this type of bike available:

Yet this one is not:
Are they both not outlandishly ridiculous and scream out pretentiousness? I don't give a shit if the top bike is practical, it looks idiotic. Seeing guys in suits ride one of those things to work is too much to take. How can anyone look impressive when they are riding around on the two wheel equivalent of this absurdity:


That is all for right now. Keep watching this space for more venting. I can already tell it's going to be a long winter and there will be much bitching to do.

Things To Do This Weekend

No EPL this weekend thanks to those communists at FIFA and their stupid World Cup qualifiers. If I had my way, admission to the World Cup would rely entirely on which country has the hottest chicks (in the case of a tie, two hot chicks must battle in a tub of KY Jelly until their clothes fall off and they start making out. Then a winner will be chosen by random drawing.)

Luckily, there's a lot of other shit going on this weekend. Of course, you could just stay home and stare at pictures of Aubrey O'Day all day.
I'm not sure who or what Danity Kane is, but apparently this chick is involved. So that's good enough in my book.

So maybe you're not a perverted shut-in with an internet connection. Fear not, there are some other things going on. Other sporting events of note:

A Shitload of College Football - Highlights include LSU vs Florida and Texas vs Oklahoma. Or my favorite matchup: Poon of the SEC vs Every Day Should be Saturday.

Not So Much NFL - Living in New York, you get the shaft when either the Jets or Giants play Monday night or have a bye. It just so happens that the G-Men take on the Cleveland Swollen Testicles on Monday and fuck over everyone else who has cable in the country's largest city. We have the Jets at 1pm then Cowboys/Cardinals at 4pm. Great. Really pumped for that slate. Look forward to the day when the NFL stops doing its Spielberg/Lucas raping Indy impression to its fans that don't have DirecTV.

LCS - Dear Red Sox charter plane captain,
Feel free to fly into a mountain on the way back from Tampa Bay. You will be doing everyone a favor. Do your civic duty. That is all.

Beer - I've said it before, and I'll say it again, when beer is involved there are no losers.
Enjoy the next two days. And if you're one of the lucky SOBs with Monday off, I hope you step on a tack. I'm not bitter or anything.

Three Movies That I Wish To Napalm Back to the Spanish Inquisition

The title of this blog post makes no sense. It is literally impossible to napalm something, let alone a movie, back to the Spanish Inquisition. Yet, that is the insatiable urge beating through my soul right now, coursing through my veins. The blog doesn't cover movies very often, but when it does, there's no fucking around. That being the case, I would personally like to introduce these movies to Tomás de Torquemada by way of napalm, who would be undoubtedly befuddled by the moving images and sounds presented before him and immediately call the films heretics. It would be only a matter of time before these films were garroted and then burned at the stake. Then all would be right with the world again.

These are without a doubt my least favorite movies of all time. They are equally offensive to my sensibilities as a member of a civilized society, so therefore, are listed in no particular order. Should anyone associated with greenlighting any of these three rolls of a celluloid shit ever approach me, they will be cut.

Cruel Intentions (1999)


This is the only movie I've ever actually walked out on. After being dragged to the theater by my girlfriend at the time (who was on the verge of creaming herself over the thought of seeing Ryan Phillippe for almost 100 minutes), my initial expectations were not high. But I figured there was enough eye candy spread amongst Witherspoon, Gellar and Blair to make it someone palatable. How wrong I was.

If I wanted to watch privileged "teenagers" take advantage of their naive and/or virtuous contemporaries, I'd go to high school and participate in it myself. Hell, I did all the time. Corrupting sophomore girls was one of my crowing achievements in high school. No need to see it on the big screen, that was my life. Perhaps if I had stuck around long enough to see the only redeeming scene from the film, Phillippe (character name: Sebastian. Reminds me of the crab from Little Mermaid. Spent entire movie wishing crabs on everyone associated with the movie) getting run over by a car, my opinion might be higher than where it currently stands: slightly below a combination of all the different types of shit that is produced by a traveling circus. Needless to say, that's 45 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Not that I'd have done anything with it, but just knowing it's at my disposal for that time I need to run away from the amputee prostitute in a recumbent bike is great piece of mind.

Curly Sue (1991)


Just watching the trailer makes me want to beat the shit out of a mulleted James Belushi. There are literally no laughs to be had in this film, yet the trailer would have you believe that this is a family friendly movie out of the Home Alone mold. I remember watching this with my family on Movie Night and, after it mercifully ended, slapping my parents in the face for subjecting me to this horror (ed note: the preceding story might not have happened).

The shame this wretchedness has caused director John Hughes has seen him completely abandon his craft and focus entirely on writing, which is a loss for all fans of the cheesy, yet endearing, 80's flick. His pre-Curly Sue resume contains multiple quintessential 80's classics like Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Planes, Trains and Automobiles. I appreciate you going into hiding to hide from the public's cries for your Director's Guild badge, John, but enough time has passed. It's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and bring back the magic.

Mr. Baseball (1992)

visit videodetective.com for more info

Fuck this movie. It came out when I was just at that age when playing baseball over the summer was basically the only reason to suffer through the school year. So naturally, I was pretty excited to see it. Unfortunately, when I finally did, I got hit in the face with a truck load of suck. Just like Curly Sue, it's a movie that, at least from the trailer, is supposed to be a comedy. I defy you to watch this movie and laugh. You hear that...I defy you.

The best part of this entire movie is the not so subtle "Fuck you!" to Cleveland seen in the trailer. Good times. Anytime the Forest City has its name sullied, I'm down. But that isn't enough to save Tom Selleck and the rest of the international cast of thousands from my fiery wrath. You're being trashed in a fledgling blog with an audience of 3! How does that make you feel? Like you need to grow a mustache to be a real man? Pussy.

Looking for a Good Time? Try Skitch and Pictures of Al Davis

If you are a Mac user, do yourself a favor and download Skitch. It's an easy to use screen capture tool that also allows for some basic editing. When you partner that with pictures of the living dead, the possibilities for hilarity are practically endless.

Observe:

See how funny that is? Just imagine the enjoyment I experienced coming up with that biting caption above Al Davis's head.

Here's another example:
I'm so creative. No one else is doing this on the interwebs at all.

NFL Week 4 Blog-o-Rama on Your Face

I've got my Subway tuna sub. The TV is broadcasting high definition NFL entertainment. You know what that means. Sit down, strap in and look your eyeballs on the computer screen; it's time for another installment of the NFL Live blog.

1:12 - Off to a late start, apologies. The day is not off to a great start; I wore my inside sandals outside in the rain, the Broncos allowed a 60+ yard jaunt to LJ and the only game on right now is Jets/Cards. It might be slow going during the first block of games.

1:17 - If I was in CT this weekend, I could be watching Chefs/Broncos. Instead, I'm watching Brett Favre loft passes across his bottom that are almost pick sixed. Good times in the Meadowlands.

1:22 - My Yahoo game channel has informed me that the Broncos have had the ball for all of 2 plays and now find themselves down 6-0 at the Chefs, who aren't even good enough to have their name spelled correctly. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm not watching this.

1:29 - After a blocked field goal, the Jets showing a little life with a 4 down conversion and a goalline situation. 3 runs in a row?

1:30 - 1st and goal for the Jets = Run. End of quarter.

1:32 - Thx Fox. Came back late from a commercial and the Jets have a TD nullified by a holding penalty. I guess 3 runs in a row is out of the question.

1:34 - Favre throws a laser to Lav Coles for the TD. Back to the Broncos quickly. A 26 yard punt gives the Chefs excellent field position. Had someone told me Denver was going to be down 6-0 at the end of the first quarter, I would have called you a yellow bellied liar and slapped you with the backside of my hand.

1:39 - You know your defense is bad when Damon Huard is 7/9 already and Larry Johnson is on place for 3,000 yards in the game.

1:42 - Somehow the Broncos manage to avoid more trouble and N. Novak (not sure who that is) misses a 48 yard field goal. Can we wake up now please? I realize it's a 1pm start, but seriously, Cutler needs to share his insulin with his teammates and get a drive going.

1:51 - Brandon Marshall Tid!!!! Mama and Papa Fletchinator, just an FYI: expect to see an authentic B. Marsh jersey on the old X-Mas list in a couple of months.

1:55 - Fox just showed Brian Billeck in the announcing booth. Needless to say, he does not look happy to be there right now. If there was a thought bubble over his head it would look a little something like this:

BB: Is Scott Linehan still employed? What about Lane Kiffin?

1:57 - Meanwhile, Lav Coles waltzes into the endzone after a defender is either assassinated or blows out his knee leaving the speedster wide open down the left sideline. Can't blame the cornerback there for getting hurt, but he might want to crawl into a hole for a while.

2:02 - We might have just seen the end of Kurt Warner for hte day. The Bible thumper decided to dump the ball off right to the Jets and pins his defense deep in their own zone. It's not unfathomable to think that the Jets could be up 28-0 with 5 minutes left in the half.

2:06 - Jets D has 28 fantasy points this week so far. Pretty solid effort from Gang Green. Meanwhile, Arizona is rocking 3. Guess what one of those teams that I'm playing. Just keep in mind that I'm a fantasy troglodyte and my team's name is "Suck Your D for a QB."

2:09 - Jay Feely = Portuguese soccer player. He dives his way out of a shanked field goal and converts on the re-try. You stay classy, Jay. Cheater.

2:11 - BTW - 24-0 Jets. Thanks for showing up Cardinals. Enjoy that cross country flight back to AZ.

2:13 - Must eat Subway. Be back in 2 minutes. Yes, that's how long it takes me to eat a sub.

2:23 - Words cannot describe the anger that I'm feeling after Matt Prater misses a 28-yard field goal that would have pulled the Broncos within 3. Something that combines every cuss word in English language probably would get close to getting the point across. Love the fact that Denver is now going to go into half time trailing by 6 (if they are lucky).

2:26 - Dear Fox, no need to broadcast the 2nd half of the Jets/Cardinals game. Kurt Warner literally just handed the ball to the Jets defense. This is the worst offensive performance I've ever seen.

2:33 - So, um, Matt Prater, I think I owe you an apology. Anytime you can bury a 56-yarder, twice as long as the one you just missed, I will give you a little tip o' the cap. Now you have shown your worth, you are never to miss anything less than 30 yards again. If you do, your testes will be removed.

2:42 - Kurt Warner snaps off prosthetic legs in his spare time. Great humanitarian.

2:46 - Ordering a Reuben. Yes I did just polish of a foot-long tuna sub 30 minutes ago. It's clear that I don't give a shit about my arteries over the weekend.

2:46 - Matt Prater, getting shit done. Tie game. Get that man a high priced escort.

2:58 - Higher probability: me falling asleep or the Cardinals making this interesting? I'm leaning towards the former.

3:04 - According to Brian Billeck, refs don't call illegal procedure every time. Occasionally, refs will give offensive linemen warnings before throwing the flag on them. Sounds like complete ass-hat-ery, but still good to know going forward.

3:09 - So, ummmm, Jets. What's going on here? A 34 point lead has turned to 20 in just under 10 minutes of game play. And the Cardinals just recovered an onside kick. Wow. Might be time for Mangini to light a fire under his team's ass. Just a thought.

3:11 - More wisdom from Billick: "Sometimes you need to take the 2x4 to the head of the mule." That's a new one for all of us non mule owners.

3:13 - Reuben time. Warm up the defibrillator.

3:24 - Worst idea of the day = the Reuban. That was gluttonous and just a terrible decision. I will now forgo any other meal today. This is my punishment.

3:31 - Note to Fox producers: Please alert Brian Billick that the Jets aren't what most people would classify a 'storied franchise.' A more accurate description would be something along the lines of 'mired in mediocrity for decades.'

3:34 - Broncos down 3 to the Chefs head to the 4th quarter. This is not how I expected things to turn out today.

3:38 - Damon Huard is carving up the Broncos with the precision of a Jedi master with a fully customized Lightsaber. His TD pass gives the Chefs a 10 point lead with just under a full quarter remaining. Watching your team get picked apart through Stat Tracker is like getting stabbed to death by needles. It's a long, painful process.

3:51 - Jets finish off the game with a long TD to Cotchery on a 4th and 1. Arizona has surrendered 48 points to a team that had received considerable criticism for being too conservative offensively. That makes sense.

3:55 - Broncos now down by 7 with 8 minutes or so. A 3 and out is a necessity. I'm wringing my hands nervously.

3:58 - A kickoff return to midfield by the Chefs. Broncos = pussy bitches.

4:07 - Unless the Broncos can force a turnover, the Chefs will beat the Broncos and I will punch myself in the balls.

4:14 - Brett Favre just threw his 6th TD pass of the game. In other news, I need a moment to recover from punching myself in the balls.

4:22 - Huge hit in the waning seconds of Jets/Cards. Anquan Boldin knocked out cold in the endzone. Very Jerry McGuire like. Meanwhile, this is eating into quality Cowboys Redskins time. And the Broncos gave up another touchdown. Fuck this shit. Worst NFL Sunday of the year so far.

4:37 - For all you baseball fans, it's looking dire for the Mets right now. 3 outs left, down by 2, needing a win.

4:42 - Still smarting from the Broncos loss. The only person feeling worse than me right now is Anquan Boldin.

4:53 - Mets season hangs in the balance. This is sweet. New York baseball = fail.

5:07 - Halfway through the 2nd quarter of SD/OAK and I've seen SD run two offensive plays. If there is justice in this world, the Raiders will pull off the upset.

5:16 - The Reuben is making it hard to type/stay awake. Posts might become sporadic.

John McCain in Swiftboat Willie

Somewhere, Walt Disney rolls over in his grave. Meanwhile, we can laugh at the topical humor.

I'm a Fantasy Soccer Nerd

Perhaps this is not the type of information that should be spread publicly across the interweb tubes, but if Clay Aiken feels comfortable enough admitting that he enjoys the company of penis, then I can at least do my part. I'm a fantasy soccer nerd. Last season alone I had fantasy teams for the Premership, Serie A, La Liga, Ligue 1 and the Champions League. Things have calmed down a little since then, but I still spend way too much time obsessing over a sport that most people in this country couldn't care less about. But as you can probably tell from the countless Liverpool/WAG posts, I can't get enough of it. So much so that I write a weekly e-newsletter that recaps the last week's Prem games and looks ahead the following weekend's matchups. I do this once a week. Not including me, there are two people who receive this, one of whom is already considering cancelling subscription even though the newsletter is free. That's how big of a nerd I am.

So, in an attempt to make myself seem less pathetic, I bring to my loyal fanbase a taste of the Remember Laughter Register, the weekly Premiership fantasy e-newsletter. If you're interested in signing up, or just want to laugh at me for being lame, just drop me a line in the comments or send me an email. Minor edits have been made to protect the innocent subscribers (both of them) and to avoid any fantasy value confusion that might arise from being registered on different fantasy sites.

The Remember Laughter Register

Volume V, 9/25/08

The world steadies its eyes towards Wall Street and Washington D.C. as the fate of the American economy hangs in the balance. Will the $700 billion bailout rescue the plummeting economy? Or is it just a quick fix to a deeper problem? Meanwhile, the eyes of football fans are squarely focused on a similar crisis happening in the northeast of England. When will the turmoil that has sent Newcastle spiraling to the relegation zone end? Is there a bailout awaiting the Toon army at the end of this murky tunnel? Who will be their savior? The hole is deep for the Magpies and without any solution (or manager) in sight, it’s worrying times for Newcastle fans around the world. In other news around the league, Manchester United and Chelsea draw in the marquee match day four meeting and Liverpool failed to breakthrough a stubborn Stoke City rearguard, earning the Potters a famous point at Anfield.

Star of the Week – Michael Chopra, Sunderland

Finding the pace of the game can be a tough ask for any player coming off the bench, but that role seems to suit Sunderland striker Michael Chopra. His ten minute double against Middlesbrough secured three points for the Black Cats and sent them rocketing up to the top half of the table. Whether manager Roy Keane decides to keep this goal predator on the bench or elects to send him out in the starting 11 remains to be seen, but the gaffer would be wise to give Chopra an extended run and see what the young man can do. Honorable mention: Robinho, Thomas Sorensen, David Di Michele

Scalawag of the Week – David James, Portsmouth

The first repeat scalawag of the season and it goes to a man at the receiving end of a 6-0 drubbing by the suddenly potent Manchester City. Not at fault for a number of the half dozen, the dishonor bestowed upon him is a reflection of the total fantasy package rather than any horrendous howler. The quixotic James continues to baffle spectators throughout the land, with a combination of jaw dropping saves and gasp inducing blunders. Now inching closer to his 40^th year, James is strikingly consistent in his inconsistency. Dishonorable mention: Harry Redknapp, Robbie Keane, Steven Taylor

Through the Looking Glass – Next Week’s Fixtures

Everton v Liverpool

Aston Villa v Sunderland

Fulham v West Ham

Man Utd v Bolton

Middlesbrough v West Brom

Newcastle v Blackburn

Stoke City v Chelsea

Arsenal v Hull City

Portsmouth v Tottenham

Wigan v Man City

Keep an Eye On – Robinho, Manchester City

Two games and two goals for the diminutive Brazilian. Should any less be expected from the most expensive player in the history of English football? Regardless of the expectations, the former Real Madrid galacticos, has become an instant hero at the City of Manchester stadium and with the supporting cast around him, should have no problem finding the back of the net on a regular basis. As the quick, small guy in his strike partnership with compatriot Jo, Robinho will find space abound as defenses struggle to adapt to the new, and undeniably, improved Man City.

Under the Radar – Kevin Davies, Bolton Wanderers

After an aberrantly dry spell all of last season, the Bolton target man has already tallied as many times this year (3) as he did in 2007/8. The style of play at Bolton remains ploddingly direct, so there isn’t really an explanation for the drop in production for Davies. What’s important is that he has regained his goal scoring touch and owners should expect Davies to hit the double digit goal mark with little difficultly this campaign. As the main target for any and all corners and free kicks, there’s no reason to think otherwise.

From the Terrace

Dear Remember Laughter Register Editor (yes I made up a fake letter to the editor section):

My favorite team is Tottenham. We got rid of one of the best strike partnership in the Premier League for a group of mostly unproven foreigners and now we are at the bottom of the table. How long can we expect to wait before this team starts to show signs of progress?

Best,

Distressed in N. London

To Distressed:

It has been an awful start to the season for one of the teams pipped to possibly make the jump into the top four. Now a top half finish would probably suit Spurs fans. To answer your question, at least another four to five games will go by before we see any cohesion with this team. That doesn’t mean to expect a string of losses for your beloved squad, but don’t be surprised if wins are hard to come by for another month or so. Once the manager settles on his preferred 11, then the winning ways will return to Tottenham. Having only played a handful of games so far, it’s nigh on impossible to separate the real quality out from the bunch. Juande Ramos will get there in time. Patience and expectation control is the key here.

Link-o-the-Week

http://www.worldcupblog.org/world-football/emmanuel-adebayor-wins-award-for-biggest-asshole-alive.html#more-3162

(scroll down for the head scratching hilarity)

No Live Blog for Week 3

Just got an iPhone. Must play around with it. Here's a picture of Elisha Cuthbert and Mila Kunis looking hot. I'm not quite sure why they aren't making out, but I guess the photographer was too busy being artistic to even ask. Is it asking too much to break out a strap on? I guess so. Do your job, sir.

Week 2 NFL Live Blog

Last week was such a rousing success (read: 40 uniques a day) that I decided to hunker down and rip off another live blog. Main screen: Giants/Rams (ugh another Rams game, I might not make this survive this). Secondary screen: Colts/Vikes.

Big game of the day: the 4:15 Jets/Pats game. There might be a lost mind or two during that affair.

First unwarranted fantasy mention of the day: the Bears just blocked a kick and returned it for a TD. Chicago's defense is on the team I'm facing. The day is not off to a great start. Although I'm still reveling in the glory that was the Liverpool victory over Manchester United.

Not having Direct TV is brutal. That's going to be a tough pill to swallow during the DEN/SD game.

1:16 - Something is seriously off kilter with Peyton Manning. Brady is already done. Imagine if Manning goes down, also. Who is the NFL going to turn to for commercials?

1:23 - Remember when Dante Hall was good? Those were good times. Especially that game where he faced-raped the Broncos to the tune of multiple special team touchdowns. Here's a refresher.


1:30 - Marc Bulger = the only man in the NFL who gets hurt handing the ball off to his teammate. Good times to be a Rams fan.

1:33 - The Colts cannot stop Adrian Peterson. Eight men in the box and still he bursts through for a five yard gain. A dropped surefire TD pass has cost the Vikes a 10-0 lead over the Colts. That is going to come back to haunt them. Mark my words. Minnesota will rue the fact that they are only up by six over the Ponies. Also mark these words: if I have to watch another Bill Gates/Jerry Seinfeld Microsoft commercial, I will spill someone's blood.

1:39 - The pitch is not working for the Colts. Scratch pitch.

1:40 - Hi Stat-Tracker,
I just paid $10 for you. Can you update more regularly than once per quarter? Much appreciated.

Your's truly,
The Fletchinator

1:44 - Worst blocking attempt ever on Jared Allen. Tight end tried to block the reigning sack champ by turning around and attempting to box out Allen. Needless to say, it was a marvelous fail.

1:55 - The Aaron Rodgers era is off to a flying start. 21-0 over the Lions with 6 minutes left in the first half. Multiple Favre-ian plays. Will he follow in his predecessor's shoes and start at painkilling regiment? I sure hope so.

2:01 - Discussion of Lehman Brothers has been going on for the past 15 minutes. Riveting stuff. The aural equivalent of watching paint dry.

2:07 - A Steven Jackson 15 yard gain almost was able to divert attention away from finance and back to football. Unfortunately, the conversation quickly reverted back to the shit our country is in right now.

2:12 - Not sure if I've ever seen Peyton Manning look this uncomfortable in a football game. Hosting SNL, yes. But never in football. Also, little sidenote directed at Chris Johnson: now that you are America's fantasy darling, step up your game. I'm going to need more than 7 yards per half from you. Find the mf'ing endzone. Immediately.

2:20 - Eli Manning just through the ball left handed. Countdown to Favre reference...4.3.2.1... Aikman wouldn't take the bait. Thank God.

2:27 - Down 2 at halftime in fantasy. That 60 yard run by Chris Johnson at the end of the Titans 1st half really helped. Glad to see my pep talked worked.

2:34 - Stat-Tracker update: I have it running on two separate browsers simultaneously (Safari and Firefox) and with two different accounts. No wonder why Jerry Yang is going to be out of a job soon. I'm going to get regular updates if I have to go all the way to Yahoo and hack into there database.

2:47 - Rams rush defense < Air

2:50 - Had someone told me that the Colts would be shutout halfway through the 3rd quarter vs the Vikings, I'd have called that person a liar and slapped them in the face because that's what I do to liars. Now, I'd be slapping myself in the face for doubting the Vikes.

3:01 - Ridiculous play in the Colts game. Manning deep to a wide-open Anthony Gonzalez, who streaks down the field, cuts inside, and in the act of being tackled laterals the ball to Reggie Wayne. After hurdling his teammate, Wayne stumbles into the endzone. But is it a TD? It was called a score on the field, but it's being reviewed right now. Regardless of what happens, that was the most exciting play of the weekend.

3:05 - Play reversed, Wayne was down. I'm going to be really pissed if Joe Addai runs this in for a TD. Addai, obviously, is on the fantasy team I'm playing right now. After two stuffed QB sneaks, Addai get in(?). On further review, it doesn't look like he scored. God I hope they review this call. I'm calling in my yearly favor.

3:11 - Sometimes, you really just want to fuck up a referee. Now is one of those times. I want to mailbox the referee's home. He clearly blew that TD call. Addai didn't cross the line. I have two eyes, it was clear as day the he didn't score. I need to walk off my rage.

3:20 - Remember when Adam Vinateiri was good? That's not the case any more. He just missed a chip shot. He's going to have to pay for sex tonight.

3:26 - Outrageous juggling catch by Tory Holt in the endzone. Maybe the Rams are going to decide to make this interesting. But again, this is the Rams. They will unquestionably fuck this up somehow.

3:38 - And just like that, the G-Men roll down the field and score a game clinching TD. Meanwhile, the Colts score then convert the 2 point conversion to tie the game. I told you the Vikes were going to regret not putting this game out of reach when they had the chance.

3:43 - My back is killing me from being hunched over the computer. Quasimodo would be proud of me.

3:45 - Stat tracker appears to be working. About damn time. That only took 3.5 quarters. Thanks Yahoo. Enjoy your stock plummeting.

3:48 - Greg Gumball (sp?) just threw out "whale of day" as a line. Welcome to the 20th century.

3:54 - I blinked and Detroit took the lead vs Green Bay. Calvin Johnson and Roy Williams have to be the most talented receiver combo in the league. I would kill someone to be one of those guys. The Rams, meanwhile, somehow managed to give up about three TDs in the space of 5 minutes. What a pathetic ragtag bunch of second-rate players. I'd be surprised if they won more than 4 games this year.

4:02 - Indy and Minnesota both appear to be playing for OT. Either that or they don't realize that the game is still tied.

4:03 - I stand corrected. Manning throws a seam to Reggie Wayne for 20 yards. On comes Vinateiri with a chance to win. Here's the game...

4:04 - That looks to be the ballgame. Vinateiri splits the uprights. That's going to stick in the craw of Vikes fans. They had the game and let it slip away. Might be time to realize that Tavaris Jackson is not the answer.

4:27 - Trying to figure out how to watch the Broncos on my computer. Any suggestions?

4:39 - Watching the Broncos on a bootlegged Mexican broadcast through my computer. Posting might become light.

My Friend, the Jets Fan

One of the many reasons why I love football. (For some reason, I can't get this to work on Firefox, but it is working on IE)

NFL Week 1 Live Blog and Musings

The NFL is back mother-bitches. Welcome to the CBSVG live blog. Right now on the main screen we have Jets-Fins. I'm sitting next to a huge Jets fan. He already asked for a forced fumble on the opening kickoff. This should be fun. Second screen is Eagles/Rams. Hopefully we'll get through this alive.

Standard typos and spelling error Live blog rules apply.

1:05 - 3 and out for the Fins. The Tony Sporano (sp?) era is off to a great start. Here comes the Brett Favre era. Jim Nantz is loosening up his jaw for an afternoon of verbal fellatio.

1:07 - Favre scrambles for the first down. I was half expecting an underhand pass.

1:11 - Great punt return by the Fins. I'm still being berated for the obvious PI call on Will Allen that was overlooked by the zebras.

1:15 - Phil Simms just made the claim that the Fins greatest asset is Ricky Williams. Going to be a long season for either Simms or Miami. I'm guessing it's Miami.

1:16 - First look in at the Rams/Eagles games. The Birds scored on their opening drive. Speaking of birds, Falcons QB Matt Ryan just throw a strike to Mike Jenkins who housed it. Welcome to the NFL Matt. Back to the Rams, Drew Bennett is hurt and it doesn't look good.

1:19 - During a channel changing snafu, we missed Favre's first ever Jets TD pass. There is a lot of hostility in the room right now. But also a lot of joy. Like the time I found out that Scar Jo gave me herpes.

1:26 - The Pennington era is not off to a great start. 1 for 6 for -1 yard. He just fluttered a pass out to the sideline that would not have been able to rip through a stretched out moist paper towel. To say that Chad's arm is weak is the equivalent of saying that Lexington Steel's cock doesn't make a horse envious. Not sure that made sense, just wanted to give a shout out to my boy Lex.

1:32 - James Brown just informed me that Tom Brady limped into the locker room. Early favorite for "Best news of the day" award.

1:36 - Jets first injury concern of the year: Mike Nugent hobbled off the field after pushing a short field goal wide right. Cuss words are flying.

1:45 - Dolphins are driving right now. Pennington showing a little life on there. That Chad, he's a fighter. Awaiting further word on Tom Brady's injury. God this is so sweet. Speaking of sweet, great drive by the Fins results in a touchdown. Game's picking up a little. Although the same can't be said for the Rams. They suck. Scott Linehan might get fired at halftime. Stay tuned for the second half...Only on Fox.

1:54 - Just a little fun little thing I noticed about Yahoo Stat Tracker. LT's last name doesn't completely fit within the name plate, so it reads: L. Tomlinsor. That's pretty badass. Here's the proof:

By the way, Deep Penetration is my fantasy team. Marvel at it. Also, we had our first Favre forced ball that almost resulted in a picks. A sack on the next play makes it 3/17. A dump off leads to a 4/13. In field goal range, the Jets decide to go for it before calling time out. Minds are being lost here as it slowly dawns on everyone that the Jets might be without a kicker for the rest of the game. In the Rams game, DeSean Jackson just got raped on a fade route and no flag. PI no longer exists in the league.

2:03 - 4/13 for the Jets. Unbelievable turn of events. Favre hoists up a hail mary that inexplicably finds an open receiver at the front of the endzone. Without a kicker, the Jets are forced to go for 2. Denied. Somehow not having a kicker is going to come back to bite them this game. Mark my words.

2:07 - Nantz is killing Ben Graham for a poor kickoff. Dude, cut the dude some slack. He was playing Aussie rules football a couple of years ago. He doesn't know how to kick off a fucking tee.

2:14 - Steven Jackson just got destroyed going up the seam. Completely decleated. His helmet might have exploded. But give them man credit, he held onto the ball and looked pretty sharp doing so. Steven Jackson = Beastlord.

2:19 - Still searching for a kicker on the Jets sideline. Kellen Clemens should start practicing.

2:22 - McNabb to Hank Baskett for like 90 yards. The Rams have a solid secondary. McNabb might throw for 400 yards this game. Oh, all this with 45 seconds left in the first half. What did the Rams practice during training camp?

And that about wraps it up for the first half in our games. Looking forward to the Tom Brady update. Also the 3 minute piss I'm about to take.

Gayest thing I've ever seen: The CBS Scene outside of Foxboro Stadium. Could they want to teabag the Pats more?

2:38 - Left knee injury to Tom Brady. Someone might be collecting that bounty from Kissing Suzy Kolber. About damn time.

2:43 - First Favre turnover. A fumble that kills a promising Jets drive. I was almost killed by a wayward punch that was directed at that couch.

2:54 - Jake Long, tackling defensive ends doesn't work in the NFL. Kthxbai.

2:56 - Asanti Samuel should have had a pick-6 for the Eagles. Coach B would have berated him for not taking advantage of the green grass ahead of him.

3:00 - Apparently Favre has been playing football since the dawn of time. Sims claims that he has started 6000 games in a row. I know it's hyperbole, but come on. Let's keep it in the realm of credibility.

3:05 - Thomas Jones TD for the Jets, that should pretty much kill off the Fins. Send them to the tuna net and the Bumblebee factory. Meanwhile, in Philly, DeSean Jackson is making the Rams his bitch. 28-0 in the 3rd quarter. Thanks for getting your team, Coach Linehan. Way to earn your paycheck.

3:15 - I know I'm harping on this, but the Rams are one of the worst teams I've seen in a while. Yes, it's week 1 and they can improve. But outside of Steven Jackson, this is a team of asshat scrubs. Oh, DeSean Jackson almost just housed a punt return. Most impressive rookie ever. That's Phil Sims hyperbole for you.

3:25 - Watching Pennington throw a deep pass is about as depressing as seeing a homeless man beat off in a urinal stall at Grand Central. If that makes sense, hat tip to me.

3:36 - Jets goalline stand might just end it in Miami. There are 9 minutes left and I'm calling it. That's how bad the Fins have looked on offense. Preparations have begun for the 4:15 Dallas-Cleveland game that has the most important fantasy implications in the history of the world. See, Phil, it's not hard to exaggerate. I hate you.

3:41 - Is it too early to make the claim that Ted Ginn sucks and will never develop into anything else besides a mediocre return man? I'm ready to take that plunge. Who's with me?

3:47 - Dolphins score and decide to show a little fight. Last year, they would have given up 21 points in the last 3 minutes. That's a change in the culture. Or just a team with some balls. Just under 4 minutes, onside kick or kick it deep? The keep goes deep. Fins need a 3 and out or else this game is over.

3:51 - 2 minute warning down in Miami. Jets with a 3/2. There will be either a positive or negative outburst forthcoming. Full audio later.

3:55 - Jets run on 3rd down after a procedure penalty. The punt is decent, but the Fins have decent field position, 1:43 left in the game and zero timeouts to win the game. The tension is palpable here.

4:04 - Valiant drive by the Dolphins comes up a little short as Chad throws a pick in the endzone with less than 10 seconds remaining. Not the only thing thrown during that drive, as shirts were removed and pillows were sent flying as we led up to the final conclusion. Good start by the Jets. Great first half of the doubleheader.

4:16 - We're off in Cleveland. Here's to the fantasy eruption that's about to happen on the field and in my pants.

4:19 - Great 3 and out for the Cowboys. Would have loved for them to recover that fumbled snap, but I won't complain. Still rocking those 10 shutout points right now. Now it's time for the offense to step up and put some points on the board. Let's go MaToFe (Marion Barber, Terrell Owens, Felix Jones).

4:27 - Cowboys = Best offense ever. They might score 400 points this game. Although Marion Barber has started a little slowly. There appear to holes on the outside. Maybe Felix Jones time? Or Jason Witten time. Fuck, he's on my roommates GF's team, who I'm also playing in fantasy. BTW - she autodrafted. I love losing to autodrafted teams. This is the reason why I hate fantasy football. Very little skill, mostly luck. Although my first round draft pick Marion B. just punched in a 1-yard TD.

4:31 - The celebration for the Jets win? Boilermakers. I'm a coward so I'm passing but they are going down right now. I love the NFL.

4:34 - Fattest coach in the NFL? Might be a toss up between Andy Reid and Romeo Crennel. Still awaiting the first sideline coronary explosion.

4:39 - Braylon Edwards just dropped a surefire 60 yard TD pass. That hurts. We just got a little closer to the first Romeo Crennel heart attack. And I'm nearing that point as well.

4:53 - Pacman Jones just stole a BrayBray TD by dragging him down in the endzone after he was clearly beaten with an outside-in move. That stings. 6 points just slipped through my fingers and there was little I can do. Pacman, you and I are going to the gentleman's club and we're going to make it fucking rain. Then you are going to fuck up some strippers so you're out of the league again and someone else can get burned for a TD. This is happening at halftime. No more fucking around. I need you to put a bullet in a stripper.

5:03 - Question: Is Cleveland going to put any pressure on Tony Romo? No? Just checking, just wanted to be clear.

5:o5 - Incredulous coverage from the Browns who decided that not getting within 5 yards of TO was a good idea. As you can expect, the result is a TD for Owens. The subsequent celebration was a homage to Olympic sprinters and because the NFL is fucking lame, he gets hit with a penalty for excessive celebration. Maybe Vince McMahon was on to something when he called the NFL the "No Fun League." Joyful expression is not allowed in this game where people can literally get paralyzed and/or die at any point during the course of the 60 minutes. That seems fair.

5:10 - Can Jim Brown look more surly? I don't think I've seen a more disgruntled face on anyone at a football game.

5:18 - Tony Romo has so much time in the pocket that Jessica Simpson could get on her knees and blow him before he had to worry about getting hit by a Browns defender. An outrageous level of protection.

5:21 - Braylon Edwards might want to work on his hands during practice next week. I've seen at least 3 drops so far. One of which was 60 yard TD bomb. That is frustrating. There needs to be a word for how I'm feeling. Maybe something along the lines of "Murrrgggaaahhh!"

5:31 - The BK Wrapper intrigues me.

5:36 - Cowboys are walking all over the Browns. Marion Barber is having a huge first half. As is Terrell Owens. There is much rejoicing as we head into halftime of our double header. I'm going to eat my second Subway sub of the day. See you in 1000 calories.

5:53 - I am full. Let the entire interwebs hear my cry of satiation.

5:58 - Worst offensive pass interference call in the history of offensive pass interference. I have not been impressed with the referees today. Let's go zebra hunting.

6:12 - FELIX! 1 carry, 1 TD. That's a great ratio. Sorry for the lack of updates recently; we were discussing an orgy and my attention wavered from football for a moment.

6:17 - The Browns fans are turning on their team. Maybe a little early for that. But then again, no one ever equated Cleveland with classy. That was harsh. But I've been blogging for 5.5 hours straight, I'm getting a little bit punchy.

6:26 - The Browns are going quietly into the night. The Cowboys are driving for their 5th touchdown of the game and the only remaining question is whether or not Braylon Edwards is going to have more than 1.4 fantasy points. Douche. Drop another ball and I'll cut your face.

6:30 - Something I typed must have stirred something within the Browns. A endzone pick and a 24 yard burst from Jamal Lewis and suddenly, it doesn't look completely improbable that they may score another touchdown. Psst - look towards BrayBray. I shouldn't get greedy though, my afternoon players have come through in big way and I'm now sporting a 37 point fantasy league over Autodraft McGee.

6:43 - Cleveland decides to kick a field goal down by 3 TDs with 10 minutes left. Calling that questionable is an understatement. Someone needs to explain the rules of the game to Crennel. He's too focused on staving off the heart attack right around the corner.

6:52 - This game is just about over. As is this live blog. My fingers are killing me, my back is shot, my eyes are watery. I won't promise a weekly live blog but keep checking this space. Maybe I'll surprise even myself.